Slope 45
10 years ago
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
VIDEO: Bugging You
And here's the Minnie Riperton original:
3 mts 21 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
A collaborative essay
From the class of an English professor from the University of Phoenix:
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
(Gary)
Bitch
(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER)
*A+ - I really liked this one.*
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
(Gary)
Bitch
(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER)
*A+ - I really liked this one.*
Sunday, October 30, 2005
DOC: The $2000 Car
The Tatas of India are coming up with a brand new $2000 car. The GMs and Fords of the world are watching with bated breath.
Click here to read
Click here to read
Monday, October 17, 2005
VIDEO: What Men and Women Fight About
1 mts 01 secs
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0 mts 22 secs
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Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
0 mts 22 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Escalator Angel
"Live in such a way that those who know you but don't know God will come to know God because they know you." - Anonymous
The crisp February morning chilled the crowd that waited to catch the MARTA, Atlanta's public rail system. When the train arrived, I moved with the others toward vacant seats. Mechanical sounds punctuated the trip: the humming of electric motors and the loud bell before the doors slid shut.
As we settled into our parallel journeys, I looked around. I work at home, and consequently don't often take public transit at rush hour. This morning I was on my way into the city for a seminar. The size and diversity of the crowd on the train surprised me. In our single car, there were African-Americans, European-Americans and Asians -- a generous representation of world society.
But there was no interaction. Business men and women had their briefcases open, poring over papers filled with charts and columns. Casually dressed students studied books. One young man had headphones on and swayed in a slow dance to his private music. I'm a fiction man, myself. I travel with a novel handy.
But today I didn't open it. I was too busy studying those around me; something felt strange.
I didn't realize what it was until I'd disembarked at Five Points, the connecting point for the east and west trains. In this cavernous space, I joined perhaps a thousand commuters waiting for their trains.
Here I realized what was so eerie: the total silence. One thousand people, packed cheek to jowl, looking straight ahead, pretending the others didn't exist. And I, a 50-year-old white man, wearing a blue suit and glasses, was one of them. The only sound two stories under Atlanta's streets was the hum of the escalators.
And then came a woman's voice. "Good Morning!"
The greeting echoed through the station. A thousand heads snapped up in unison, scanning the space. The voice had come from a woman riding the descending escalator on the far side of the platform. "How y'all this morning?"
She practically sang her words, punctuating her speech with long vowel extensions. People began to turn toward her.
The petite African-American woman reached the bottom of the escalator and walked purposefully to the edge of the throng. She grabbed a surprised businessman's hand, shook it and looked him in the eye. "Good morning! How ya doing this morning?"
The man looked at the small woman who had him in her grip. He broke with a smile. "Fine, thank you."
Her clothes were a little ragged, but her purposeful smile overcame her stature and appearance as she moved through the crowd, shouting greetings, shaking hands and laughing freely. Finally, she looked across the tracks at the crowd on my side of the platform. "How ya'll folks over there this morning?"
"Just fine" I shouted back. Others answered with me. We surprised each other so much that we broke out laughing.
"That's good," she said. She paused and looked around. Now everyone was listening. "God sent me here to cheer you up this morning. And that's the God of the Jew, the Christian, the Muslim and any other religions ya'll brought or didn't bring along."
From where I stood, I could see a twinkle in her eye. Amazingly, the train station came alive with good-natured conversation. As we chatted with each other, few noticed the slight woman quietly ascend the up escalator.
When the northbound train arrived, I squeezed into a car already stuffed with riders. I didn't get much past the door and grabbed a chrome pole that already had hands of every racial color gripping it. My face looked straight into that of an African-American woman about my age. She wore a light yellow business suit. I sensed she didn't like the press of people around us.
Before I could stop myself, I said, "Good morning."
"What?" she seemed surpised.
"Good morning. How are you doing?" A few people watched us. A smile overtook her. "Fine," she chuckled. "You know, nobody's asked me that this morning. Really, nobody ever says hello."
I grinned and told her about the unexpected visitor back at Five Points, wondering aloud if she might have been an angel. "Isn't that what angels do? They're messengers. That woman demonstated the goodness of simply greeting each other, sharing our humanity, instead of guarding it."
Others around the pole joined the discussion, and smiles spread through the car.
The woman across from me, now grinning, said "If It weren't so crowded in here, I'd give you a good hug. You've made my morning."
When the train arrived at my stop, I moved toward the door. "I hope you have a good day!" I called back to my fellow traveler.
"I will, and thank you."
As I looked back into the car, I saw lots of smiles. People were chatting. Someone else touched my shoulder and waved goodbye. I felt happy and alive.
Since then, I've often wondered who that woman was. She didn't have wings; she ascended and descended an escalator and she spoke in a Southern drawl. But silent people who were temporarily buried two stories below Atlanta began to talk and laugh. A chilly February day felt warmer, and a shy guy like me suddenly hasn't been able to keep himself from greeting and talking with strangers on subway trains, elevators and airplanes. But isn't that what a more famous angelic message proclaimed: "Good will to all"?
The crisp February morning chilled the crowd that waited to catch the MARTA, Atlanta's public rail system. When the train arrived, I moved with the others toward vacant seats. Mechanical sounds punctuated the trip: the humming of electric motors and the loud bell before the doors slid shut.
As we settled into our parallel journeys, I looked around. I work at home, and consequently don't often take public transit at rush hour. This morning I was on my way into the city for a seminar. The size and diversity of the crowd on the train surprised me. In our single car, there were African-Americans, European-Americans and Asians -- a generous representation of world society.
But there was no interaction. Business men and women had their briefcases open, poring over papers filled with charts and columns. Casually dressed students studied books. One young man had headphones on and swayed in a slow dance to his private music. I'm a fiction man, myself. I travel with a novel handy.
But today I didn't open it. I was too busy studying those around me; something felt strange.
I didn't realize what it was until I'd disembarked at Five Points, the connecting point for the east and west trains. In this cavernous space, I joined perhaps a thousand commuters waiting for their trains.
Here I realized what was so eerie: the total silence. One thousand people, packed cheek to jowl, looking straight ahead, pretending the others didn't exist. And I, a 50-year-old white man, wearing a blue suit and glasses, was one of them. The only sound two stories under Atlanta's streets was the hum of the escalators.
And then came a woman's voice. "Good Morning!"
The greeting echoed through the station. A thousand heads snapped up in unison, scanning the space. The voice had come from a woman riding the descending escalator on the far side of the platform. "How y'all this morning?"
She practically sang her words, punctuating her speech with long vowel extensions. People began to turn toward her.
The petite African-American woman reached the bottom of the escalator and walked purposefully to the edge of the throng. She grabbed a surprised businessman's hand, shook it and looked him in the eye. "Good morning! How ya doing this morning?"
The man looked at the small woman who had him in her grip. He broke with a smile. "Fine, thank you."
Her clothes were a little ragged, but her purposeful smile overcame her stature and appearance as she moved through the crowd, shouting greetings, shaking hands and laughing freely. Finally, she looked across the tracks at the crowd on my side of the platform. "How ya'll folks over there this morning?"
"Just fine" I shouted back. Others answered with me. We surprised each other so much that we broke out laughing.
"That's good," she said. She paused and looked around. Now everyone was listening. "God sent me here to cheer you up this morning. And that's the God of the Jew, the Christian, the Muslim and any other religions ya'll brought or didn't bring along."
From where I stood, I could see a twinkle in her eye. Amazingly, the train station came alive with good-natured conversation. As we chatted with each other, few noticed the slight woman quietly ascend the up escalator.
When the northbound train arrived, I squeezed into a car already stuffed with riders. I didn't get much past the door and grabbed a chrome pole that already had hands of every racial color gripping it. My face looked straight into that of an African-American woman about my age. She wore a light yellow business suit. I sensed she didn't like the press of people around us.
Before I could stop myself, I said, "Good morning."
"What?" she seemed surpised.
"Good morning. How are you doing?" A few people watched us. A smile overtook her. "Fine," she chuckled. "You know, nobody's asked me that this morning. Really, nobody ever says hello."
I grinned and told her about the unexpected visitor back at Five Points, wondering aloud if she might have been an angel. "Isn't that what angels do? They're messengers. That woman demonstated the goodness of simply greeting each other, sharing our humanity, instead of guarding it."
Others around the pole joined the discussion, and smiles spread through the car.
The woman across from me, now grinning, said "If It weren't so crowded in here, I'd give you a good hug. You've made my morning."
When the train arrived at my stop, I moved toward the door. "I hope you have a good day!" I called back to my fellow traveler.
"I will, and thank you."
As I looked back into the car, I saw lots of smiles. People were chatting. Someone else touched my shoulder and waved goodbye. I felt happy and alive.
Since then, I've often wondered who that woman was. She didn't have wings; she ascended and descended an escalator and she spoke in a Southern drawl. But silent people who were temporarily buried two stories below Atlanta began to talk and laugh. A chilly February day felt warmer, and a shy guy like me suddenly hasn't been able to keep himself from greeting and talking with strangers on subway trains, elevators and airplanes. But isn't that what a more famous angelic message proclaimed: "Good will to all"?
Monday, October 03, 2005
VIDEO: Dan Nainan Leaves Seattle in Splits
23 mts 07 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Stand-up comedian Dan Nainan performs at Moore Theater in Seattle
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Stand-up comedian Dan Nainan performs at Moore Theater in Seattle
Saturday, October 01, 2005
So, why did the chicken cross the road?
The responses of Indian personalities when posed the eternal question:
Atal Behari Vajpayee : "Chicken ?" (3 minute pause) "Let me compose An Ode to a Chicken in my shudh Hindi... "
Fernandes:"I am deeply hurt that this question is being asked after my 40 clean years of public life. I don't own a house, or a car, leave alone a chicken !!!"
Mulayam:"I demand a 50% reservation of the road for the chicken class, so that they can cross the road freely without their motives being questioned"
Abdul Kalam:"Yes, why did the chicken cross the road? ... please tell me why? .. they crossed to go to the other side of the road... now repeat after me ...."
Advani: "I see the hands of Pakistan in this ..."
Bal Thackarey: "Chickens crossing the roads is against our culture, my followers (gundas) will stone all such chickens which cross the road".
Jayalalitha:"From a reliable source I've got the information that the chicken belongs to Karunanidhi who made his chicken cross the road to create law & order problems. The chicken is now imprisoned under POTO".
Mamta Baneerji:"I'm made Union Railbay minstaar, I bill shee that chickans will trable by train... no cross road anymoore!".
A.K Antony:"Zimmmmply! ...that's a question you should ask Karunakuran..Heee, heee."
Amitabh Bhachan:"The chicken has crossed the road?.. are you sure.. very sure ... really sure..."
Sonia Ghandhi:"That the chicken crossed the road clearly demonstrates the fact that the people and chicken have lost confidence in the Government. The Government should own moral responsibility and resign!!!"
Narendra Modi: "I called out the army and have brought the chicken crossing incidents under control within 72 hours. The media is blowing it out of proportion."
Ekta Kapoor: "The chicken krossed the road 'kause "k"it kould "k"not "k"tolerate "k"her "k"saas's "k"torture."
Mukesh & Anil Ambani: "Though the chicken moved forward it was a right step in backward integration. Reliance shareholders will will get a 1:5 egg bonus."
Maneka Gandhi:"Chicken crossed the road alone...!! If a vehicle had passed over it, we would have lost one of our dearest creatures. Ban all vehicles from using the road. Protect Our Chickens..."
Salman Khan:"I ran over the chicken(Hic!). t was not intentional ... It was accidental (Hic!)... you're now asking this question to me only because I'm a celebrity(Hic!)".
Abu Salem:"Hmmm delicious chicken... Monica darling want a bite ...now what was that question!?"
Sachin Tendulkar: "I will let my bat do the talking. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go for another ad shoot."
Saurav Ganguly: "Nowhere is it written in our BCCI contract that we have to answer such questions. I will take this issue up with the players' association."
Sri Sri Ravi Shanker: "The answer lies within you. Seek it. Your insecurities and anxieties prevent you understanding simple actions like a chicken crossing the road. Please sign up for my Art of Living course for Rs 5000 and everything will become clear."
Azharuddin:"I am totally innocent, you know, I'm unnecessarily being dragged into this, you know, because I'm from the minority..... I neither know the chicken nor the road, you know...."
Deve Gowda:"zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....mmmm...mm... chicken ??? Thanks, I'll have it later !! mm.. snooore... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Atal Behari Vajpayee : "Chicken ?" (3 minute pause) "Let me compose An Ode to a Chicken in my shudh Hindi... "
Fernandes:"I am deeply hurt that this question is being asked after my 40 clean years of public life. I don't own a house, or a car, leave alone a chicken !!!"
Mulayam:"I demand a 50% reservation of the road for the chicken class, so that they can cross the road freely without their motives being questioned"
Abdul Kalam:"Yes, why did the chicken cross the road? ... please tell me why? .. they crossed to go to the other side of the road... now repeat after me ...."
Advani: "I see the hands of Pakistan in this ..."
Bal Thackarey: "Chickens crossing the roads is against our culture, my followers (gundas) will stone all such chickens which cross the road".
Jayalalitha:"From a reliable source I've got the information that the chicken belongs to Karunanidhi who made his chicken cross the road to create law & order problems. The chicken is now imprisoned under POTO".
Mamta Baneerji:"I'm made Union Railbay minstaar, I bill shee that chickans will trable by train... no cross road anymoore!".
A.K Antony:"Zimmmmply! ...that's a question you should ask Karunakuran..Heee, heee."
Amitabh Bhachan:"The chicken has crossed the road?.. are you sure.. very sure ... really sure..."
Sonia Ghandhi:"That the chicken crossed the road clearly demonstrates the fact that the people and chicken have lost confidence in the Government. The Government should own moral responsibility and resign!!!"
Narendra Modi: "I called out the army and have brought the chicken crossing incidents under control within 72 hours. The media is blowing it out of proportion."
Ekta Kapoor: "The chicken krossed the road 'kause "k"it kould "k"not "k"tolerate "k"her "k"saas's "k"torture."
Mukesh & Anil Ambani: "Though the chicken moved forward it was a right step in backward integration. Reliance shareholders will will get a 1:5 egg bonus."
Maneka Gandhi:"Chicken crossed the road alone...!! If a vehicle had passed over it, we would have lost one of our dearest creatures. Ban all vehicles from using the road. Protect Our Chickens..."
Salman Khan:"I ran over the chicken(Hic!). t was not intentional ... It was accidental (Hic!)... you're now asking this question to me only because I'm a celebrity(Hic!)".
Abu Salem:"Hmmm delicious chicken... Monica darling want a bite ...now what was that question!?"
Sachin Tendulkar: "I will let my bat do the talking. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go for another ad shoot."
Saurav Ganguly: "Nowhere is it written in our BCCI contract that we have to answer such questions. I will take this issue up with the players' association."
Sri Sri Ravi Shanker: "The answer lies within you. Seek it. Your insecurities and anxieties prevent you understanding simple actions like a chicken crossing the road. Please sign up for my Art of Living course for Rs 5000 and everything will become clear."
Azharuddin:"I am totally innocent, you know, I'm unnecessarily being dragged into this, you know, because I'm from the minority..... I neither know the chicken nor the road, you know...."
Deve Gowda:"zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....mmmm...mm... chicken ??? Thanks, I'll have it later !! mm.. snooore... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Friday, September 30, 2005
Do you know the meaning of tenjewberrymuds?
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You willunderstandwhat 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest androom-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East EconomicReview:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wansahntoes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin webodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it!
You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin webodderon sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest androom-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East EconomicReview:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wansahntoes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin webodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it!
You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin webodderon sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
VIDEO: How to Open Beer
0 mts 31 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
VIDEO: A Little Teamwork
1 mt 04 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
I was looking for a specific video on teamwork when I came across this hilarious clip. Enjoy!
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
I was looking for a specific video on teamwork when I came across this hilarious clip. Enjoy!
Friday, September 16, 2005
Sunday, September 04, 2005
VIDEO: Candid Camera - Belgian Style
1 mts 16 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
GAME: Help the drunk get home
Help the drunk get home. He tends to stumble, fall and sleep. Use your mouse to keep him balanced long enough to reach home. Let's see what's your personal record.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
VIDEO: Jana Gana Mana
6 mts 41 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Bharatbala's music video with A.R.Rahman's rendition of Jana Gana Mana. While the lyrics are largely the same, don't mistake this for the official national anthem of India; the national anthem has a specified play duration of 52 secs, and this video is obviously much longer.
Jana-Gana-Mana-Adhinayaka, Jaya He
Bharata-Bhagya-Vidhata
Punjab-Sindhu-Gujarata-Maratha
Dravida-Utkala-Banga
Vindhya-Himachala-Yamuna-Ganga
Uchchhala-Jaladhi Taranga
Tava Subha Name Jage
Tava Subha Ashisa Mage
Gahe Tava Jaya Gatha.
Jana-Gana-Mangala Dayaka, Jaya He
Bharata-Bhagya-Vidhata,
Jaya He, Jaya He, Jaya He,
Jaya Jaya Jaya, Jaya He
(Thou art the ruler of the minds of all people,
dispenser of India's destiny.
Thy name rouses the hearts of Punjab, Sindh, Gujarat, the Maratha country,
in the Dravida country, Utkala (Orissa) and Banga (Bengal);
It echoes in the hills of the Vindhyas and Himalayas,
it mingles in the rhapsodies of the pure waters Jamuna and the Ganges.
They chant only thy name,
they seek only thy blessings,
They sing only thy praise.
The saving of all people waits in thy hand,
thou dispenser of India's destiny.
Victory, victory, victory to thee.)
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Bharatbala's music video with A.R.Rahman's rendition of Jana Gana Mana. While the lyrics are largely the same, don't mistake this for the official national anthem of India; the national anthem has a specified play duration of 52 secs, and this video is obviously much longer.
Jana-Gana-Mana-Adhinayaka, Jaya He
Bharata-Bhagya-Vidhata
Punjab-Sindhu-Gujarata-Maratha
Dravida-Utkala-Banga
Vindhya-Himachala-Yamuna-Ganga
Uchchhala-Jaladhi Taranga
Tava Subha Name Jage
Tava Subha Ashisa Mage
Gahe Tava Jaya Gatha.
Jana-Gana-Mangala Dayaka, Jaya He
Bharata-Bhagya-Vidhata,
Jaya He, Jaya He, Jaya He,
Jaya Jaya Jaya, Jaya He
(Thou art the ruler of the minds of all people,
dispenser of India's destiny.
Thy name rouses the hearts of Punjab, Sindh, Gujarat, the Maratha country,
in the Dravida country, Utkala (Orissa) and Banga (Bengal);
It echoes in the hills of the Vindhyas and Himalayas,
it mingles in the rhapsodies of the pure waters Jamuna and the Ganges.
They chant only thy name,
they seek only thy blessings,
They sing only thy praise.
The saving of all people waits in thy hand,
thou dispenser of India's destiny.
Victory, victory, victory to thee.)
Monday, August 01, 2005
VIDEO: Presidential Sex (George Bush Sr. on Ronald Reagan)
14 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
George Bush (Sr.) speaking of Ronald Reagan, "A word about the President: For seven and a half years I've worked alongside him, an I'm proud to have been his partner. And we've had triumphs, we made some mistakes, we've had some sex...er, setbacks"
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
George Bush (Sr.) speaking of Ronald Reagan, "A word about the President: For seven and a half years I've worked alongside him, an I'm proud to have been his partner. And we've had triumphs, we made some mistakes, we've had some sex...er, setbacks"
Thursday, July 28, 2005
The Courageous CFO
A CEO (and member of Forbes 400!) throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can start by telling me who the hell pushed me in that pool!!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can start by telling me who the hell pushed me in that pool!!"
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
AUDIO: Bush and the new premier of China (Who's Hu?)
2 mts 16 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
VIDEO: Pehchaan (Identity)
6 mts 30 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Kansas University Clultural India Club's Diwali presentation set to the title song from Swades.
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Kansas University Clultural India Club's Diwali presentation set to the title song from Swades.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Pakistan Maths Question Paper
Examination Paper - Mathematics
Full Marks 100
Instructions:
i) Students found copying will be shot on the spot.
ii) Any student coming late after 10 minutes after the exam starts will be forced to join Al Qayda group .
iii) AK47's and grenades are not allowed in the exam hall. Students may keep their daggers,Revolvers and pack of anthrax bombs only for self defense.
iv) Time 3 hours
v) All questions are compulsory.
1. Abdul was sent to jail for murder .He has 7 wives in his house.
Abdul distributed money to his wives in such a proportion that the youngest and most recent wife receives maximum and oldest wife gets minimum, and each wife gets double of her former competitor. Abdul has 1700 Rupaye left in his house. Abdul's oldest wife needs atleast 25 rupaye per month. Find out the time when Abdul will have to break Jail to come out and earn money so that his wives do not starve.
2. Karim is a Drug seller. Prices per gram of Marijuana, hasis, haroine and LHD s are 50, 60,70,80 Rupaye respectively. Karim offers a discount of Rupaye 20 for his buyers who buys more than 50 grams of drug. If Rahim , a buyer gets Rupaye 37 discount , find out the grams of LHD he bought.
3. Imran tampers the ball thrice per over. He deforms the ball .02% of its original shape each time . Find the percentage deformation the ball due to tampering in a one day series against India in which Imran bowled 9.3 overs.
4. Mohammed has a Company named Al Allah Kidnapping & Murder Private Limited. He has to threat 10 people per day over Telephone. 40% of the people he threats are cinema stars in Mumbai, 30% are Businessman in Delhi, 20% are Cricket Players in Madras and 10% are shopkeepres in Calcutta . If ISD charges are rupaye 15, 25, 40, 50 per minute from Mohammed's city Islamabad to Bombay, Delhi,Calcutta and Madras respectively and he gets a Telephone bill of 10,230 Rupaya in a month Find out The No of Cinema stars in Mumbai ,threatened in that particular month.
5. A terrorist group has to provide one Ak 47.one AK 49,one Rocket Launcher, 50 Grenades and one pack of RDX to its Ron roots for training.One AK 47 costs 100$; One Ak 49 costs 150 $,A Bazuka rocket Launcher costs 250 $ , grenade is 3 $ each, a pack of Rdx Bomb attached with remote Control is 500 $. The terrorist group admits 2000 new people every year out of which 30 % are court-martialed. Find the amt of Foreign Money Pakistan Govt has to provide each year to run such a group.
6. If stabilty of democratic Govt. in pakistan is given by the following equation X exp3 +X exp2 -16 = i, where the notations have their usual meaning; Find out x.
7. Probaliblity of a Pakistani prime minister to be shot is 78%. Probabilty of a Military general to be shot is 80%. Find the joint probability of a Prime minister to be shot who is also a Military general.
8) Find out geometrically the area of Paktunistaan using PI Theorem with Osama BIn Ladens Correction (That is taking the value of PI = 786 instead of 3.14....), if Paktunistaan is taken as a heptagon.
9) A 'GHAURI' missile tries to fly from Drass to Kargil which is not too far from Drass (say 100 miles) and is exactly to the East of Drass . The wind is blowing from the South and the speed of the wind is exactly equal to the speed of the airplane. (The speed of the airplane is measured with respect to the air!) The pilot decides to steer straight to Kargil all the time during the flight. Will the airplane ever reach Kargil ? What if the speed of the wind is k times the speed of the airplane, where k is a positive number (can be greater or less than 1)? Try to sketch the trajectory of the airplane (with respect to the ground, of course) in each of the three cases: k=1, k1 and k<1.
10) Briefly discuss the Unsolved problem of "Bisection of a Triangle" with a Compass and an unmarked ruler if the triangle is named as KASHMIR.
Full Marks 100
Instructions:
i) Students found copying will be shot on the spot.
ii) Any student coming late after 10 minutes after the exam starts will be forced to join Al Qayda group .
iii) AK47's and grenades are not allowed in the exam hall. Students may keep their daggers,Revolvers and pack of anthrax bombs only for self defense.
iv) Time 3 hours
v) All questions are compulsory.
1. Abdul was sent to jail for murder .He has 7 wives in his house.
Abdul distributed money to his wives in such a proportion that the youngest and most recent wife receives maximum and oldest wife gets minimum, and each wife gets double of her former competitor. Abdul has 1700 Rupaye left in his house. Abdul's oldest wife needs atleast 25 rupaye per month. Find out the time when Abdul will have to break Jail to come out and earn money so that his wives do not starve.
2. Karim is a Drug seller. Prices per gram of Marijuana, hasis, haroine and LHD s are 50, 60,70,80 Rupaye respectively. Karim offers a discount of Rupaye 20 for his buyers who buys more than 50 grams of drug. If Rahim , a buyer gets Rupaye 37 discount , find out the grams of LHD he bought.
3. Imran tampers the ball thrice per over. He deforms the ball .02% of its original shape each time . Find the percentage deformation the ball due to tampering in a one day series against India in which Imran bowled 9.3 overs.
4. Mohammed has a Company named Al Allah Kidnapping & Murder Private Limited. He has to threat 10 people per day over Telephone. 40% of the people he threats are cinema stars in Mumbai, 30% are Businessman in Delhi, 20% are Cricket Players in Madras and 10% are shopkeepres in Calcutta . If ISD charges are rupaye 15, 25, 40, 50 per minute from Mohammed's city Islamabad to Bombay, Delhi,Calcutta and Madras respectively and he gets a Telephone bill of 10,230 Rupaya in a month Find out The No of Cinema stars in Mumbai ,threatened in that particular month.
5. A terrorist group has to provide one Ak 47.one AK 49,one Rocket Launcher, 50 Grenades and one pack of RDX to its Ron roots for training.One AK 47 costs 100$; One Ak 49 costs 150 $,A Bazuka rocket Launcher costs 250 $ , grenade is 3 $ each, a pack of Rdx Bomb attached with remote Control is 500 $. The terrorist group admits 2000 new people every year out of which 30 % are court-martialed. Find the amt of Foreign Money Pakistan Govt has to provide each year to run such a group.
6. If stabilty of democratic Govt. in pakistan is given by the following equation X exp3 +X exp2 -16 = i, where the notations have their usual meaning; Find out x.
7. Probaliblity of a Pakistani prime minister to be shot is 78%. Probabilty of a Military general to be shot is 80%. Find the joint probability of a Prime minister to be shot who is also a Military general.
8) Find out geometrically the area of Paktunistaan using PI Theorem with Osama BIn Ladens Correction (That is taking the value of PI = 786 instead of 3.14....), if Paktunistaan is taken as a heptagon.
9) A 'GHAURI' missile tries to fly from Drass to Kargil which is not too far from Drass (say 100 miles) and is exactly to the East of Drass . The wind is blowing from the South and the speed of the wind is exactly equal to the speed of the airplane. (The speed of the airplane is measured with respect to the air!) The pilot decides to steer straight to Kargil all the time during the flight. Will the airplane ever reach Kargil ? What if the speed of the wind is k times the speed of the airplane, where k is a positive number (can be greater or less than 1)? Try to sketch the trajectory of the airplane (with respect to the ground, of course) in each of the three cases: k=1, k1 and k<1.
10) Briefly discuss the Unsolved problem of "Bisection of a Triangle" with a Compass and an unmarked ruler if the triangle is named as KASHMIR.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
The Chemistry of Trust
A person's level of trust can be changed with a chemical spray
SUSPICION and trust are two sides of the same coin. Over the course of evolution, humans and other animals have walked a line between the need for self-preservation and the benefits and delights of social co-operation. When a swarthy man beckons you into a dimly lit alley, you would do well to walk briskly away, but in reality you might be losing an opportunity to discover a delightful but out-of-the-way little restaurant.
A paper in this week's Nature, by Michael Kosfeld and Markus Heinrichs of the University of Zurich and their colleagues, explores the biological underpinnings of trust in such interactions. The researchers found that trust is surprisingly mechanistic: sniffing a spray containing a hormone called oxytocin increases a person's level of trust in others.
Oxytocin, a hormone produced by part of the brain called the hypothalamus, plays many roles. It stimulates contractions during childbirth and, once a child is born, helps to release milk when its mother feeds it. In some species, notably voles, it has been shown to regulate behaviours such as pair bonding, maternal care and the ease with which an animal will approach a stranger. Dr Kosfeld and Dr Heinrichs therefore had good reason to suspect that it plays a role in trust. They also knew from the work of others that hormones consisting of protein fragments known as peptides can cross into the brain if administered as a nasal spray. Oxytocin is one such peptide.
To probe oxytocin's role in promoting trust between people, the researchers invented a game. This game involved an “investor” and an anonymous “trustee” in whom money, in the form of “monetary units” worth 40 Swiss centimes (32 cents) was invested. Investor and trustee never met, and were allowed to interact only once. In addition to being paid for their time, participants were able to cash their monetary units in at the end of the game, in order to get the proper economic juices flowing. Each investor received 12 units. He could choose to keep all of them, or to give four, eight or all 12 of them to the trustee—which would result in their value being tripled. The trustee then chose whether to reward or abuse the investor's trust by sharing a portion of the proceeds with him.
All the investors and all the trustees had something sprayed up their noses before the experiment started. In some cases, though, there was no oxytocin in this spray. Of the investors who were sprayed with oxytocin, 45% invested the maximum of 12 units, while only 21% of those who received the control spray did so. On average, the oxytocin-sprayed group transferred 17% more money to their trustees than the controls. Oxytocin, therefore, seems to promote trust.
The proof that it is trust that is being promoted, rather than a general bonhomie towards others, or a reduced aversion to risk, comes in two parts. The first is the response of the trustees. These people did not, as some might expect, simply take the money and run. The investors usually got something back, albeit less than half of the trebled amount. But the sum returned did not depend on whether there was oxytocin in the spray a trustee had sniffed—as it might have been expected to if oxytocin promoted generally sociable behaviour, rather than trust specifically.
The second piece of proof that oxytocin is “trust-specific” came when the investors were told that a computer rather than a human trustee would be on the other end of the transaction, and that the amount returned would be decided at random. In this set-up, the oxytocin-sprayed group and the control group invested equal amounts. The researchers thus concluded that oxytocin was not simply lowering a person's risk aversion.
Besides helping to unravel the biological basis of an important emotion, Dr Kosfeld and Dr Heinrichs also raise questions about some of the fundamentals of economics. Studies like these are beginning to shed light on the extent to which humans actually resemble Homo economicus, the proverbial rational economic agent. This particular case raises the possibility that those with different hereditary propensities to produce oxytocin, or different sensitivities towards it, might reach different conclusions when presented with similar economic decisions.
While acknowledging that these results could be put to nefarious use to “induce trusting behaviours that selfish actors subsequently exploit”, the authors hope their findings will instead be used to treat mental disorders such as extreme social phobia. Nevertheless, untrusting readers might beware of strange odours or mysterious vapours in the boardroom.
SUSPICION and trust are two sides of the same coin. Over the course of evolution, humans and other animals have walked a line between the need for self-preservation and the benefits and delights of social co-operation. When a swarthy man beckons you into a dimly lit alley, you would do well to walk briskly away, but in reality you might be losing an opportunity to discover a delightful but out-of-the-way little restaurant.
A paper in this week's Nature, by Michael Kosfeld and Markus Heinrichs of the University of Zurich and their colleagues, explores the biological underpinnings of trust in such interactions. The researchers found that trust is surprisingly mechanistic: sniffing a spray containing a hormone called oxytocin increases a person's level of trust in others.
Oxytocin, a hormone produced by part of the brain called the hypothalamus, plays many roles. It stimulates contractions during childbirth and, once a child is born, helps to release milk when its mother feeds it. In some species, notably voles, it has been shown to regulate behaviours such as pair bonding, maternal care and the ease with which an animal will approach a stranger. Dr Kosfeld and Dr Heinrichs therefore had good reason to suspect that it plays a role in trust. They also knew from the work of others that hormones consisting of protein fragments known as peptides can cross into the brain if administered as a nasal spray. Oxytocin is one such peptide.
To probe oxytocin's role in promoting trust between people, the researchers invented a game. This game involved an “investor” and an anonymous “trustee” in whom money, in the form of “monetary units” worth 40 Swiss centimes (32 cents) was invested. Investor and trustee never met, and were allowed to interact only once. In addition to being paid for their time, participants were able to cash their monetary units in at the end of the game, in order to get the proper economic juices flowing. Each investor received 12 units. He could choose to keep all of them, or to give four, eight or all 12 of them to the trustee—which would result in their value being tripled. The trustee then chose whether to reward or abuse the investor's trust by sharing a portion of the proceeds with him.
All the investors and all the trustees had something sprayed up their noses before the experiment started. In some cases, though, there was no oxytocin in this spray. Of the investors who were sprayed with oxytocin, 45% invested the maximum of 12 units, while only 21% of those who received the control spray did so. On average, the oxytocin-sprayed group transferred 17% more money to their trustees than the controls. Oxytocin, therefore, seems to promote trust.
The proof that it is trust that is being promoted, rather than a general bonhomie towards others, or a reduced aversion to risk, comes in two parts. The first is the response of the trustees. These people did not, as some might expect, simply take the money and run. The investors usually got something back, albeit less than half of the trebled amount. But the sum returned did not depend on whether there was oxytocin in the spray a trustee had sniffed—as it might have been expected to if oxytocin promoted generally sociable behaviour, rather than trust specifically.
The second piece of proof that oxytocin is “trust-specific” came when the investors were told that a computer rather than a human trustee would be on the other end of the transaction, and that the amount returned would be decided at random. In this set-up, the oxytocin-sprayed group and the control group invested equal amounts. The researchers thus concluded that oxytocin was not simply lowering a person's risk aversion.
Besides helping to unravel the biological basis of an important emotion, Dr Kosfeld and Dr Heinrichs also raise questions about some of the fundamentals of economics. Studies like these are beginning to shed light on the extent to which humans actually resemble Homo economicus, the proverbial rational economic agent. This particular case raises the possibility that those with different hereditary propensities to produce oxytocin, or different sensitivities towards it, might reach different conclusions when presented with similar economic decisions.
While acknowledging that these results could be put to nefarious use to “induce trusting behaviours that selfish actors subsequently exploit”, the authors hope their findings will instead be used to treat mental disorders such as extreme social phobia. Nevertheless, untrusting readers might beware of strange odours or mysterious vapours in the boardroom.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
MUSIC VIDEO: Blood Brothers (My Soul is in the Same Place)
4 mts 08 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
The above is the music video of Blood Brothers
from Karmacy: The Movement
by Swapnil Shah and Nimesh Patel
The lyrics are in Gujarati and English and tell the story of two brothers, one of whom is besotted by the American Dream
Swap/Nimo
Eye hie soo chaleche yaar,
Kusoo nai baila chokri ne paisa
Mare tho America javuche ne millionaire thavuche
Evu chai, thya su karse ena kartha aiya re
Thane kabar nathi pardthi, India maa kasu nathi
Akho divas bhanvanu ne cricket ramvanu pan ena pachi su
Papa su bolse, mami tho radsej, kochu thane thari sate badha tho lades
Ema su, kasija, ave ooh jowchu, mari jingi pachi lochu avirite moto tochu
Badha ne kaida ooh garib nati revano,
Badha ne kaidas thya America ma revado
Navai lageche, dharma ni yaad nai, todik dook bi nai,
Lagan karis koni sathe
Mare pivuche, tho pivade ah navu pani
Tho jaa, pun maro dil tho resej Hindustani
Chorus
Maru dhil, my heart, maru loi, my blood from the start
Mari nath, my family two worlds apart,
How do I move on bhai,
Kevirithe jais, cuz no matter where I go,
My sould is in the same place
Nimo
dear bro its been a long time since we talked,
four years since I stepped off that plane, how’s mom and pops
as for me I’m workin’ hard learnin’ the ropes of the game
I went from a nobody to lots of fortune and some fame
In my own eyes, I think I’m doing really well,
Got lots of money so tell nobody to worry about my wealth
As for my health, well, it could be a little better
But take care of yourself, love your bro, I’ll storm through this weather
Swap
Maro bhai, mane lageche ke thane bho faveche
Saru tho jivan jivo pun thabyat kevi lageche
Mami ne papa ni yaad aveche ke bulighayo
Emni thabyat bagdeche jare thu pasai pache padigayo
Harigayo, ah jingi aveche ne jaiche
Saru to maro bhai, saro bhai, thu maro dhai chu,
Tho maro bhailu, thu maro dhil chu
Seni mate avirete jivan jivu chu
Nimo/Swap
Hello my brother how are you
Bhai kem che
You like my new suit just got it tailored Sergio valente
Ah mari vow meena ne apri baby chivani, besija kasu kah, cha, nasto ke pani
Here’s a gift for your wife, a baby doll for your girl,
I can’t wait till its my turn to bring a new life into this world
Tho lagan kyare karis, threes varus pathigaya
There’s no time for all that and I refuse to do a biodata
Family joyeche, pun lageche ke maligayo,
Thu ne thara paisa, tharo lagan thaygayo
Let it go, let it flow, I already know where I stand
What I have, my two hands, my one life and my fam
Aah vaat, kari che, ke thu kali kali boluchu,
Why do you keep on asking me this, you know that you know its true
Evu che? I guess that’s it…
Ave ooh America jochu..
No I would never let you go what I’ve gone through
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
The above is the music video of Blood Brothers
from Karmacy: The Movement
by Swapnil Shah and Nimesh Patel
The lyrics are in Gujarati and English and tell the story of two brothers, one of whom is besotted by the American Dream
Swap/Nimo
Eye hie soo chaleche yaar,
Kusoo nai baila chokri ne paisa
Mare tho America javuche ne millionaire thavuche
Evu chai, thya su karse ena kartha aiya re
Thane kabar nathi pardthi, India maa kasu nathi
Akho divas bhanvanu ne cricket ramvanu pan ena pachi su
Papa su bolse, mami tho radsej, kochu thane thari sate badha tho lades
Ema su, kasija, ave ooh jowchu, mari jingi pachi lochu avirite moto tochu
Badha ne kaida ooh garib nati revano,
Badha ne kaidas thya America ma revado
Navai lageche, dharma ni yaad nai, todik dook bi nai,
Lagan karis koni sathe
Mare pivuche, tho pivade ah navu pani
Tho jaa, pun maro dil tho resej Hindustani
Chorus
Maru dhil, my heart, maru loi, my blood from the start
Mari nath, my family two worlds apart,
How do I move on bhai,
Kevirithe jais, cuz no matter where I go,
My sould is in the same place
Nimo
dear bro its been a long time since we talked,
four years since I stepped off that plane, how’s mom and pops
as for me I’m workin’ hard learnin’ the ropes of the game
I went from a nobody to lots of fortune and some fame
In my own eyes, I think I’m doing really well,
Got lots of money so tell nobody to worry about my wealth
As for my health, well, it could be a little better
But take care of yourself, love your bro, I’ll storm through this weather
Swap
Maro bhai, mane lageche ke thane bho faveche
Saru tho jivan jivo pun thabyat kevi lageche
Mami ne papa ni yaad aveche ke bulighayo
Emni thabyat bagdeche jare thu pasai pache padigayo
Harigayo, ah jingi aveche ne jaiche
Saru to maro bhai, saro bhai, thu maro dhai chu,
Tho maro bhailu, thu maro dhil chu
Seni mate avirete jivan jivu chu
Nimo/Swap
Hello my brother how are you
Bhai kem che
You like my new suit just got it tailored Sergio valente
Ah mari vow meena ne apri baby chivani, besija kasu kah, cha, nasto ke pani
Here’s a gift for your wife, a baby doll for your girl,
I can’t wait till its my turn to bring a new life into this world
Tho lagan kyare karis, threes varus pathigaya
There’s no time for all that and I refuse to do a biodata
Family joyeche, pun lageche ke maligayo,
Thu ne thara paisa, tharo lagan thaygayo
Let it go, let it flow, I already know where I stand
What I have, my two hands, my one life and my fam
Aah vaat, kari che, ke thu kali kali boluchu,
Why do you keep on asking me this, you know that you know its true
Evu che? I guess that’s it…
Ave ooh America jochu..
No I would never let you go what I’ve gone through
Sunday, June 26, 2005
VIDEO: The Annoying Thing
2 mts 55 secs
Please click the Play button above.
This is driving UK crazy! It's repeated all the time on TV, on radio, as cellphone ringtones, and many people are getting really, really annoyed. Originally drawn as The Annoying Thing, the character is also known as the Crazy Frog.
Please click the Play button above.
This is driving UK crazy! It's repeated all the time on TV, on radio, as cellphone ringtones, and many people are getting really, really annoyed. Originally drawn as The Annoying Thing, the character is also known as the Crazy Frog.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Monday, June 20, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
Funny Retorts
I am nobody.
Nobody is perfect.
Therefore, I am perfect.
God is love.
Love is blind.
Ray Charles is blind.
Therefore Ray Charles is blind.
Q. Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.
24 hours in a day.
24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?
I think not!
No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is winning.
Ham and Eggs.
A day's work for a chicken;
A lifetime commitment for a pig.
I still miss my ex.
But my aim is getting better.
To all you virgins:
Thanks for nothing!
If you think there is good in everybody,
you haven't met everybody.
I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
It's a small world,
so you have to use your elbows a lot.
I spent most of my money on whisky, women and cigarettes.
The rest, I just wasted.
It may be your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
People who say you can't buy happiness, just don't know where to shop.
Join the army.
Travel the world,
meet interesting people,
and kill them.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
Don't drink and drive.
You might hit a bump and spill something.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
It's not whether you win or lose but how you place the blame.
If we weren't meant to eat animals then why are they made of meat?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
If you are going to lay around the house and drink beer all day, you've gotta start early in the morning.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I want to die asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I'm not insensitive.
I just don't care.
One good thing about alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
Artificial itelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Always give 100% at work:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
Confession is good for your soul,
but bad for your career.
Meetings.
A practical alternative to work.
To err is human.
To forgive is against company policy.
Tell me again how lucky I am to work here.
I keep forgetting.
If you love something set it free.
If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it.
I think sex is better than logic,
but I can't prove it.
- bumper sticker -
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
Is reading in the bathroom considered multitasking?
Chaos, panic and disorder.
My work here is done.
I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Atheism:
A non-prophet organization.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I don't have a license to kill.
But I do have a learner's permit.
First draw the curve,
Then plot the data.
Life is uncertain...
Eat dessert first!
I pretend to work.
They pretend to pay me.
All I want is less to do,
more time to do it,
and more money
for not getting it done.
Some push the envelope.
Some just lick it.
And some can't find the flap.
The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.
Wanted:
A meaningful overnight relationship.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy.
Other times, I let her sleep.
I'm busy.
You're ugly.
Have a nice day.
Nobody is perfect.
Therefore, I am perfect.
God is love.
Love is blind.
Ray Charles is blind.
Therefore Ray Charles is blind.
Q. Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.
24 hours in a day.
24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?
I think not!
No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is winning.
Ham and Eggs.
A day's work for a chicken;
A lifetime commitment for a pig.
I still miss my ex.
But my aim is getting better.
To all you virgins:
Thanks for nothing!
If you think there is good in everybody,
you haven't met everybody.
I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
It's a small world,
so you have to use your elbows a lot.
I spent most of my money on whisky, women and cigarettes.
The rest, I just wasted.
It may be your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
People who say you can't buy happiness, just don't know where to shop.
Join the army.
Travel the world,
meet interesting people,
and kill them.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
Don't drink and drive.
You might hit a bump and spill something.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
It's not whether you win or lose but how you place the blame.
If we weren't meant to eat animals then why are they made of meat?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
If you are going to lay around the house and drink beer all day, you've gotta start early in the morning.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I want to die asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I'm not insensitive.
I just don't care.
One good thing about alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
Artificial itelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Always give 100% at work:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
Confession is good for your soul,
but bad for your career.
Meetings.
A practical alternative to work.
To err is human.
To forgive is against company policy.
Tell me again how lucky I am to work here.
I keep forgetting.
If you love something set it free.
If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it.
I think sex is better than logic,
but I can't prove it.
- bumper sticker -
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
Is reading in the bathroom considered multitasking?
Chaos, panic and disorder.
My work here is done.
I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Atheism:
A non-prophet organization.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I don't have a license to kill.
But I do have a learner's permit.
First draw the curve,
Then plot the data.
Life is uncertain...
Eat dessert first!
I pretend to work.
They pretend to pay me.
All I want is less to do,
more time to do it,
and more money
for not getting it done.
Some push the envelope.
Some just lick it.
And some can't find the flap.
The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.
Wanted:
A meaningful overnight relationship.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy.
Other times, I let her sleep.
I'm busy.
You're ugly.
Have a nice day.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
VIDEO: The Many Faces of Romania
7 mts 38 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Very interesting video. Interesting and informative.
But towards the end, if Bush's endorsement is supposed to lend any credibility to the little nation, I must say the the makers of the video are sorely mistaken. All that Bush's appearance does is remind one of the fact that Romania was a member in Bush's "coalition of the willing", and trust me, that is not a pleasant memory.
Anyways, Bush aside, the video provides a glimpse into this beautiful country.
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Very interesting video. Interesting and informative.
But towards the end, if Bush's endorsement is supposed to lend any credibility to the little nation, I must say the the makers of the video are sorely mistaken. All that Bush's appearance does is remind one of the fact that Romania was a member in Bush's "coalition of the willing", and trust me, that is not a pleasant memory.
Anyways, Bush aside, the video provides a glimpse into this beautiful country.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
AUDIO: Andrii Popa - A Romanian folk song
3 mts 29 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
This is a folk song's rendition by Pasarea Colibri. Andrii Popa is a folk-hero, something of a Romanian Robin Hood. Enjoy!
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
This is a folk song's rendition by Pasarea Colibri. Andrii Popa is a folk-hero, something of a Romanian Robin Hood. Enjoy!
Cine trece-n valea seaca Cu hangeru fara teaca Si cu pieptul dezvelit Andrii Popa cel vestit Andrii Popa cel vestit Sapte ani cu voinicie Si-a batut joc de domnie Si tot prada neincetat Andrii Popa hot barbat E haiduc si e vestit Andrii Popa cel voinic E haiduc si e vestit Andrii Popa cel voinic Zi si noapte tot calare Trage fir din drumu mare Si din tara peste tot Fug neferii cat ce pot Fug neferii cu ce pot Caci el are-o pusca plina Cu trei glonti la radacina Si are un murg de patru ani Care musca din dusmani E haiduc si e vestit Andrii Popa cel voinic E haiduc si e vestit Andrii Popa cel voinic E haiduc si e vestit Andrii Popa cel voinic Si are frati de cruce sapte Ce au supt sangele cu lapte Si nu-i pasa de nimic Andrii Popa cel voinic Andrii Popa cel voinic E haiduc si e vestit Andrii Popa cel voinic E haiduc si e vestit Andrii Popa cel voinic E haiduc si e vestit Andrii Popa cel voinic E haiduc si e vestit Andrii Popa cel voinïc | Who roams in the dry valley With the sword unsheathed And open chest Andrii Popa the famous For seven years with bravery He has mocked authorities Robbing constantly Andrii Popa the thiefman He's an outlaw and he's famous Andrii Popa the strong Riding day and night Barricades the big roads And from all over the country Tyrants run away as fast as they can ‘Cause he has a loaded gun with 3 bullets at the root and a 4 years old brown horse which bites enemies And he has seven cross-brothers Who have drunk milk with blood And he cares about nothing Andrii popa the strong |
Saturday, May 21, 2005
It's a dog's life
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth.
He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please? The dog has money in its mouth, as well."
The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog.
So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.
It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy.
"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me! "To which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."
Moral of the story.....
You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations.
It's a dog's life after all.....
He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please? The dog has money in its mouth, as well."
The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog.
So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.
It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy.
"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me! "To which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."
Moral of the story.....
You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations.
It's a dog's life after all.....
This is Globalization
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalisation?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess . . .
with an Egyptian boyfriend . .
crashes in a French tunnel . . .
driving a German car . . .
with a Dutch engine . . .
driven by a Belgian . . .
who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change
the spelling). . .
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi . . .
on Japanese motorcycles . . ,
treated by an American doctor . . .
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Indian . . .
using Bill Gates's technology and . . .
you're probably reading this on your computer - that use Taiwanese chips . .
and a Korean monitor . . .
assembled by Bangladeshi workers . . .
in a Singapore plant . . .
transported by Indian truck drivers . . .
hijacked by Indonesians . . .
unloaded by Sicilian wharfies . . .
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals . . .
That, my friend, is Globalisation!!
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess . . .
with an Egyptian boyfriend . .
crashes in a French tunnel . . .
driving a German car . . .
with a Dutch engine . . .
driven by a Belgian . . .
who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change
the spelling). . .
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi . . .
on Japanese motorcycles . . ,
treated by an American doctor . . .
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Indian . . .
using Bill Gates's technology and . . .
you're probably reading this on your computer - that use Taiwanese chips . .
and a Korean monitor . . .
assembled by Bangladeshi workers . . .
in a Singapore plant . . .
transported by Indian truck drivers . . .
hijacked by Indonesians . . .
unloaded by Sicilian wharfies . . .
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals . . .
That, my friend, is Globalisation!!
Santa Banta Strike Back
Banta’s son: dad there is some one on the door 2 collect donations for a swimming pool.
Banta: give him a glass of water.
***********************************
Santa singh got his first job, came home and told his parents the good nows. He told them, "but I will not get any vacation until I get married."
His father asked him, “how is that?”
Santa singh explained that the benefit manual says, “vacation time may not be taken until you have had your first anniversary.”
***********************************
Santa : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and the other one is blue with red spots!
Banta : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
***********************************
Santa: What is the difference between a MOSQUITO and a FLY?
Banta: A FLY can FLY but a MOSQUITO cannot MOSQUITO!
***********************************
Banta: When did George Washington die ?
Santa: Two days before his FUNERAL
***********************************
Banta : Tell me five FERROCIOUS animals you can think of...
Santa : 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.
***********************************
Banta singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say. "They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta singh. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE.
***********************************
Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.
Santa singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Banta singh : Yes, I have.
Santa singh : Well, my father dug it.
Banta singh : That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?
Santa singh : Yes, I have.
Banta singh : Well, my father killed it.
Banta: give him a glass of water.
***********************************
Santa singh got his first job, came home and told his parents the good nows. He told them, "but I will not get any vacation until I get married."
His father asked him, “how is that?”
Santa singh explained that the benefit manual says, “vacation time may not be taken until you have had your first anniversary.”
***********************************
Santa : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and the other one is blue with red spots!
Banta : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
***********************************
Santa: What is the difference between a MOSQUITO and a FLY?
Banta: A FLY can FLY but a MOSQUITO cannot MOSQUITO!
***********************************
Banta: When did George Washington die ?
Santa: Two days before his FUNERAL
***********************************
Banta : Tell me five FERROCIOUS animals you can think of...
Santa : 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.
***********************************
Banta singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say. "They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta singh. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE.
***********************************
Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.
Santa singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Banta singh : Yes, I have.
Santa singh : Well, my father dug it.
Banta singh : That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?
Santa singh : Yes, I have.
Banta singh : Well, my father killed it.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Philosophy and Proof
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, propped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. As is usual for philosophy exams, most students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.
One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "Which chair?"
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, propped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. As is usual for philosophy exams, most students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.
One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "Which chair?"
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Ads I Hate: IBM - I'm Not Like Everybody Else
1 mt 00 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
This ad sucks so badly, that I had to create this special category "Ads I Hate". Seriously, what were they thinking? Probably, this sort of thinking is what led to the downfall of the Big Blue.
I mean, the commercial sets a negative tone right in the beginning with that factory chimney from which cute blue flowers float out. Contrary to whatever the admakers' intention must have been, it looks like a truant, polluting factory. And though the people keep singing the catchily composed "I'm not like everybody else", they all look the same. They all look like automatons churned out of some human factory. I am sure this is not by design.
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
This ad sucks so badly, that I had to create this special category "Ads I Hate". Seriously, what were they thinking? Probably, this sort of thinking is what led to the downfall of the Big Blue.
I mean, the commercial sets a negative tone right in the beginning with that factory chimney from which cute blue flowers float out. Contrary to whatever the admakers' intention must have been, it looks like a truant, polluting factory. And though the people keep singing the catchily composed "I'm not like everybody else", they all look the same. They all look like automatons churned out of some human factory. I am sure this is not by design.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
VIDEO: When the President Talks to God by Bright Eyes
3 mts 07 secs
A warning will appear. Click OK to allow the ActiveX control required to play this video.
Click on image once it becomes available.
Jay Leno had Bright Eyes perform "When the President Talks to God" on his show.
When the president talks to God
Are the conversations brief or long?
Does he ask to rape our women's' rights
And send poor farm kids off to die?
Does God suggest an oil hike
When the president talks to God?
When the president talks to God
Are the consonants all hard or soft?
Is he resolute all down the line?
Is every issue black or white?
Does what God say ever change his mind
When the president talks to God?
When the president talks to God
Does he fake that drawl or merely nod?
Agree which convicts should be killed?
Where prisons should be built and filled?
Which voter fraud must be concealed
When the president talks to God?
When the president talks to God
I wonder which one plays the better cop
We should find some jobs. the ghetto's broke
No, they're lazy, George, I say we don't
Just give 'em more liquor stores and dirty coke
That's what God recommends
When the president talks to God
Do they drink near beer and go play golf
While they pick which countries to invade
Which Muslim souls still can be saved?
I guess god just calls a spade a spade
When the president talks to God
When the president talks to God
Does he ever think that maybe he's not?
That that voice is just inside his head
When he kneels next to the presidential bed
Does he ever smell his own bullshit
When the president talks to God?
I doubt it
I doubt it
A warning will appear. Click OK to allow the ActiveX control required to play this video.
Click on image once it becomes available.
Jay Leno had Bright Eyes perform "When the President Talks to God" on his show.
When the president talks to God
Are the conversations brief or long?
Does he ask to rape our women's' rights
And send poor farm kids off to die?
Does God suggest an oil hike
When the president talks to God?
When the president talks to God
Are the consonants all hard or soft?
Is he resolute all down the line?
Is every issue black or white?
Does what God say ever change his mind
When the president talks to God?
When the president talks to God
Does he fake that drawl or merely nod?
Agree which convicts should be killed?
Where prisons should be built and filled?
Which voter fraud must be concealed
When the president talks to God?
When the president talks to God
I wonder which one plays the better cop
We should find some jobs. the ghetto's broke
No, they're lazy, George, I say we don't
Just give 'em more liquor stores and dirty coke
That's what God recommends
When the president talks to God
Do they drink near beer and go play golf
While they pick which countries to invade
Which Muslim souls still can be saved?
I guess god just calls a spade a spade
When the president talks to God
When the president talks to God
Does he ever think that maybe he's not?
That that voice is just inside his head
When he kneels next to the presidential bed
Does he ever smell his own bullshit
When the president talks to God?
I doubt it
I doubt it
It's tough out there for a dick
It ain't easy being a dick!
I've got a head I can't think with...
...an eye I can't see out of...
...I have to hang around with two nuts all the time...
...my closest neighbor is a real asshole...
...my best friend is a pussy...
...and everytime I get excited I throw up :-(
I've got a head I can't think with...
...an eye I can't see out of...
...I have to hang around with two nuts all the time...
...my closest neighbor is a real asshole...
...my best friend is a pussy...
...and everytime I get excited I throw up :-(
Monday, May 09, 2005
About Mahabharat: Wait a minute!
In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars. First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born..."
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)
Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole india does not have doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?"
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted........................
Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars. First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born..."
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)
Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole india does not have doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?"
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted........................
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
VIDEO: Amitabh Bachchan on Charlie Rose
29 mts 31 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Ads I Love: IBM On Demand - Change of Plans
0 mts 31 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
One of the better ads for IBM On Demand solutions.
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
One of the better ads for IBM On Demand solutions.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Blood-type Personality Test
| Blood type | % of people that have it |
| O+ | 40% |
| O- | 7% |
| A+ | 34% |
| A- | 6% |
| B+ | 8% |
| B- | 1% |
| AB+ | 3% |
| AB- | 1% |
TYPE O
You want to be a leader, and when you see something you want, you keep striving until you achieve your goal. You are a trend-setter, loyal, passionate, and self-confident. Your weaknesses include vanity and jealously and a tendency to be too competitive.
TYPE A
You like harmony, peace and organization. You work well with others, and are sensitive, patient and affectionate. Among your weaknesses are stubbornness and an inability to relax.
TYPE B
You're a rugged individualist, who's straightforward and likes to do things your own way. Creative and flexible, you adapt easily to any situation. But your insistence on being independent can sometimes go too far and become a weakness.
TYPE AB
Cool and controlled, you're generally well liked and always put people at ease. You're a natural entertainer who's tactful and fair. But you're standoffish, blunt, and have difficulty making decisions.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Ads I Love: VW Polo Suicide Bomber
0 mts 22 secs
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Click on the image above when it becomes available.
A terrorist sets out to explode a car bomb in a busy locale. Unfortunately for him, he chose the wrong car. VW Polo is a tough little car.
A warning alertbox may appear. Click OK to allow the ActiveX control required to play this video.
Click on the image above when it becomes available.
A terrorist sets out to explode a car bomb in a busy locale. Unfortunately for him, he chose the wrong car. VW Polo is a tough little car.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Friday, April 01, 2005
Wisdom of the ages: 7 more lessons from life
1. Having one child makes you a parent; have two and you are a referee.
2. Regular naps prevent ageing... especially if you take them while driving.
3. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
4. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
5. Don't marry the person you can live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
6. You can't buy love...but you pay heavily for it.
7. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
2. Regular naps prevent ageing... especially if you take them while driving.
3. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
4. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
5. Don't marry the person you can live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
6. You can't buy love...but you pay heavily for it.
7. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Laloo Prasad Yadav applies to Microsoft
Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA. A few days later he got this reply:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.
Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a press conference:
"Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap
ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai." Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa, par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet ----- aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Bilva
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.
Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a press conference:
"Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap
ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai." Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa, par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet ----- aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Bilva
Gujju bhai in an accident
There was once a Gujarati, owning a shop, living in USA called Navneet Bhai Patel, who was involved in a car accident. At the hospital, when he awoke, he called for the nurse to ask, what had happened to him.
I'm very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very bad car crash. "Car crash! My Corolla! Is my car all right?" he asked hysterically.
"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries -you lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it," she said apologetically.
"I lost my arm? OH..My Swiss Watch! My Swiss Watch!"
"Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition, but all your family is here to see you."
He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by name.
"Alpa, are you here?" "I am here husband, and I will never leave you."
"Diness, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Kalpess, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Kamless, my child, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Paress, my child, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Well"..... said Navneet Bhai thoughtfully.....
"Alpa, Diness, Kalpess, Paress and Kamless are here..... If all of you are here ? THEN WHO THE HELL IS IN THE SHOP!!!!!????".
I'm very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very bad car crash. "Car crash! My Corolla! Is my car all right?" he asked hysterically.
"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries -you lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it," she said apologetically.
"I lost my arm? OH..My Swiss Watch! My Swiss Watch!"
"Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition, but all your family is here to see you."
He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by name.
"Alpa, are you here?" "I am here husband, and I will never leave you."
"Diness, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Kalpess, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Kamless, my child, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Paress, my child, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Well"..... said Navneet Bhai thoughtfully.....
"Alpa, Diness, Kalpess, Paress and Kamless are here..... If all of you are here ? THEN WHO THE HELL IS IN THE SHOP!!!!!????".
Monday, March 28, 2005
The 3 Wishes and the Smarts of the Sexes
A mother told her 16 yrs old daughter that if she will pray for 4 years regularly than an Angel will come to her dreams and grant her 3 wishes. So she decided to do it. When she completed 4 yrs successfully, an "Angel" really came in her dreams. Here's the dialog that ensued:
Angel: O Girl, you have prayed regularly during the last 4 yrs, so I am very pleased with you. I will grant you 3 wishes. You can ask anything you like, but there is one condition.
Girl: Condition! What is that?
Angel: Don't you have a boy-friend?
Girl: Yes, I do indeed.
Angel: When you were busy praying, he was waiting for you, so he has sacrificed the same as you. And since he didn't know about the wishes, his sacrifice is even greater. So whatever you will ask for, he will get 10 times more than you. If you agree, then let's get down to business.
Girl: (After a moment of silence): Yes, I am ready.
Girl: 1st, Make me 10 times richer than the richest person in the world.
Angel: But your boy-friend will be 100 times richer than the richest person in the world.
Girl: That's okay, as we will be the two richest people on earth, and I will be the only one in the same league as him.
Angel: Be as you wish!
Girl: 2nd, Make me 10 times more beautiful than the most beautiful girl in the world.
Angel: But your boy-friend will become 10 times more handsome than the most handsome boy in the world.
Girl: That's okay, as I will be the only match for him.
Angel: Be as you wish. Now for the last wish.
Girl: O Angel, please give me a MILD HEART-ATTACK.
Angel: What? Are you sure!
Girl: Yes. Very sure!
Angel: Be as you wish.
Think friends,
Girls are so smart! The boy-friend suffered a severe heart-attack and died, while the girl lived on to be the richest and most beautiful person on the planet.
Moral of the story: Girls are really intellitent - much more than they are given credit for. So, be careful boys!
Now, girls please stop reading ... boys continue till the end of the mail .....
=============================
Hey boys, actually that's not what happened. Think about the last wish again. The boyfriend got a heart-attack 10 times milder than the girl's. So the boyfriend became the richest and most beautiful person on the planet and lived longer than the girl.
Moral of the story: Boys, the girls are not really as intelligent as they are given credit for. But it is in your interest to let them think that they are.
Angel: O Girl, you have prayed regularly during the last 4 yrs, so I am very pleased with you. I will grant you 3 wishes. You can ask anything you like, but there is one condition.
Girl: Condition! What is that?
Angel: Don't you have a boy-friend?
Girl: Yes, I do indeed.
Angel: When you were busy praying, he was waiting for you, so he has sacrificed the same as you. And since he didn't know about the wishes, his sacrifice is even greater. So whatever you will ask for, he will get 10 times more than you. If you agree, then let's get down to business.
Girl: (After a moment of silence): Yes, I am ready.
Girl: 1st, Make me 10 times richer than the richest person in the world.
Angel: But your boy-friend will be 100 times richer than the richest person in the world.
Girl: That's okay, as we will be the two richest people on earth, and I will be the only one in the same league as him.
Angel: Be as you wish!
Girl: 2nd, Make me 10 times more beautiful than the most beautiful girl in the world.
Angel: But your boy-friend will become 10 times more handsome than the most handsome boy in the world.
Girl: That's okay, as I will be the only match for him.
Angel: Be as you wish. Now for the last wish.
Girl: O Angel, please give me a MILD HEART-ATTACK.
Angel: What? Are you sure!
Girl: Yes. Very sure!
Angel: Be as you wish.
Think friends,
Girls are so smart! The boy-friend suffered a severe heart-attack and died, while the girl lived on to be the richest and most beautiful person on the planet.
Moral of the story: Girls are really intellitent - much more than they are given credit for. So, be careful boys!
Now, girls please stop reading ... boys continue till the end of the mail .....
=============================
Hey boys, actually that's not what happened. Think about the last wish again. The boyfriend got a heart-attack 10 times milder than the girl's. So the boyfriend became the richest and most beautiful person on the planet and lived longer than the girl.
Moral of the story: Boys, the girls are not really as intelligent as they are given credit for. But it is in your interest to let them think that they are.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Mind-blowing Characterization
Airport
He threw the coke can into the dustbin. He was careful not to spill the left over coke on the dustbin because it looked so clean. He walked towards the row of check-in counters and found his airline counter. There was one old man and a woman talking to the cute looking airport staff at the counter. There was one counter named Information. He directly went for that and enquired about the delay in the scheduled flight. He was informed due to some technical snag the flight is delayed by an hour.
"Can't they do anything proper in this goddamn country" he walked away from the counter.
He saw the old couple struggling with their hand luggage. He felt sorry for them and walked towards them and helped them carrying their luggage.
He took them to the check-in gate and had them seated. He took a seat near by to them.
"You are also waiting for the same flight?" the old woman asked with lot of love.
"Yes Mam" he replied.
She offered him a cookie. He took it and tasted it.
"Thanks for the cookie Mam it is very tasty."
"She always makes the best cookie" the old man told which made the woman blush.
He kept his bag between his legs and took out a magazine and poured over it.
His attention was brought back to the real world by a child crying. He turned to see a small child was getting beaten by its mother. His fists clenched on seeing the lady's act and he immediately got off from his seat and went to the lady and stopped her act.
"Are you crazy? Such a lovely child" he took the crying child in his arms and kissed it.
The mother angrily took the child back from him gave him a cold stare and went to her seat.
"Crazy people" he shook his head and walked back to his seat.
The announcement came that the flight was ready for boarding.
He saw people rushing to the boarding gate. He saw the old couple struggling. He helped them get in.
Everybody was seated. The child who was beaten by the lady was now smiling at him. The child had a toy in his hand. The doors shut and the flight started its course on the runway.
"Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen this is the pilot.." the voice came through the internal speakers.
The flight took off without any issues. He sighed and unbuckled his seat belt. He felt uncomfortable wearing it. He walked towards the restroom.
The old lady smiled at him. He smiled back. He walked past the kid and gave a light pinch on its cheek. He looked at the mother of the child and said "Sorry."
He came to the restroom closed the door. He washed his face. Took the paper towel and dried his face. He could still smell the cookies in his hand. He smiled to himself.
He removed his shirt. There was a flat plate attached to his stomach. It had a feather touch button with inscription "Press to blast".
He pressed.
He threw the coke can into the dustbin. He was careful not to spill the left over coke on the dustbin because it looked so clean. He walked towards the row of check-in counters and found his airline counter. There was one old man and a woman talking to the cute looking airport staff at the counter. There was one counter named Information. He directly went for that and enquired about the delay in the scheduled flight. He was informed due to some technical snag the flight is delayed by an hour.
"Can't they do anything proper in this goddamn country" he walked away from the counter.
He saw the old couple struggling with their hand luggage. He felt sorry for them and walked towards them and helped them carrying their luggage.
He took them to the check-in gate and had them seated. He took a seat near by to them.
"You are also waiting for the same flight?" the old woman asked with lot of love.
"Yes Mam" he replied.
She offered him a cookie. He took it and tasted it.
"Thanks for the cookie Mam it is very tasty."
"She always makes the best cookie" the old man told which made the woman blush.
He kept his bag between his legs and took out a magazine and poured over it.
His attention was brought back to the real world by a child crying. He turned to see a small child was getting beaten by its mother. His fists clenched on seeing the lady's act and he immediately got off from his seat and went to the lady and stopped her act.
"Are you crazy? Such a lovely child" he took the crying child in his arms and kissed it.
The mother angrily took the child back from him gave him a cold stare and went to her seat.
"Crazy people" he shook his head and walked back to his seat.
The announcement came that the flight was ready for boarding.
He saw people rushing to the boarding gate. He saw the old couple struggling. He helped them get in.
Everybody was seated. The child who was beaten by the lady was now smiling at him. The child had a toy in his hand. The doors shut and the flight started its course on the runway.
"Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen this is the pilot.." the voice came through the internal speakers.
The flight took off without any issues. He sighed and unbuckled his seat belt. He felt uncomfortable wearing it. He walked towards the restroom.
The old lady smiled at him. He smiled back. He walked past the kid and gave a light pinch on its cheek. He looked at the mother of the child and said "Sorry."
He came to the restroom closed the door. He washed his face. Took the paper towel and dried his face. He could still smell the cookies in his hand. He smiled to himself.
He removed his shirt. There was a flat plate attached to his stomach. It had a feather touch button with inscription "Press to blast".
He pressed.
Points to Ponder
* Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
* When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
* The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
* Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
* Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
* Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
* It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
* I love being a writer...what I can't stand is the paperwork.
* A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
* The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
* The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
* In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
* If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
* If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
* Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
* It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
* The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
* When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
* The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
* Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
* Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
* Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
* It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
* I love being a writer...what I can't stand is the paperwork.
* A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
* The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
* The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
* In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
* If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
* If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
* Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
* It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
* The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
Friday, March 18, 2005
I Just Want to Say I Love You
Ewww...but what the heck, here goes...
Peter and Tina were sitting in the park just gazing into the sky, while all their friends were having fun with their beloved partners.
Tina: I'm so bored. Just wish I have a boyfriend now to spend time with.
Peter: I guess we're the only leftovers. We're the only person who isn't with a date now. (both sigh in silence for a while)
Tina: I think I have a good idea. Lets play a game
Peter: Eh? What game?
Tina: Eem..It's quite simple. You be my boyfriend for 100 days and I'll be your girlfriend for 100 days. what do you think?
Peter: Oookay..Anyway I don't have any plan for the next few months.
Tina: You sound like you aren't looking forward to it at all. Cheer up. Today will be our first day and our first date. Where should we go?
Peter: What about a movie? I heard that there is a really great movie in theater now.
Tina: Seems like I don't have any better idea than this. Lets move. (went to watch their movies and sent each other home)
Day 2:
Peter and Tina went to a concert together, and Peter bought Tina a keychain with a star.
Day 3:
They went shopping together for a friend's birthday present. Share an ice-cream together and hugged each other for the first time.
Day 7:
Peter drove Tina up onto a mountain and they watch the sunset together. When the night came and the moon glowed, they said sat on the grass gazing at the stars together. A meteor passed by. Tina mumbled something.
Day 25:
Spent time at a theme-park, got onto roller-coasters, and ate hot-dogs and cotton-candy. Peter and Tina got in the haunted house and Tina grabbed someone's hand instead of Peter's hand by accident. They laughed together for a while.
Day 67:
They drove past a circus and decided to get in to watch the show. The midget asked Tina to play a part as his assistant in the magic show. Went around to see other entertainments around after the show. Came to a fortune teller and she just said "Treasure every moment from now on" and a tear rolled down the fortune teller's cheek.
Day 84:
Tina suggested that they go to the beach. The beach wasn't so crowded that day. They have their first kiss with each other just as the sun is setting.
Day 99:
They decided to have a simple day and to walk around the city. They sit together on a park-bench for a while.
1:23 pm
Tina: I'm thirsty. Let's rest for a while first.
Peter: Wait here while I go buy some drinks. What would you like?
Tina: Eem...Apple juice will be just fine.
1:43 pm
Tina had been waiting for about 20 minutes and Peter hadn't returned. Then someone walked up to her.
Stranger: Is your name Tina?
Tina: Yes, and may I help you?
Stranger: Just down the street a drunk driver has hit a young guy. I think he's your friend.
Tina ran over to the spot and saw Peter lying on the road soaked in blood. He still had a bottle of apple juice in his hands. The ambulance came and Tina rode to the hospital with Peter. She waited outside the operation theater for five and a half hours. The doctor came out and sighed.
11:51 pm
Doctor: I'm sorry. We did the best we could, but he won't make it. He is still breathing but God would take him away from us very soon. We found this letter inside his pocket. The doctor reached out and handed over the letter to Tina who ran into the OT to see Peter. He looked weak but peaceful. Tina read the letter burst into tears. Here is what the letter said:
"Tina, our 100 days are almost over. I had fun with you through these days. Although I may, at times, be greedy and less thoughtful, but you brought happiness into my life. I have realized that you are a really nice girl and I am to blame for never having taken the time to know you. I don't have a lot to ask for, but just wish that we can extend the day. I want to be your boyfriend forever and wish that you can be by my side all the time. Tina, I love you."
11:58
Tina: (sobbing) Peter! Did you know what was the wish I made on the night there was a shooting star? I asked God to let us last forever. So Peter! Don't leave me! I LOVE YOU, but can you come back to me now? I love you Peter. I LOVE YOU.
As the clock struck twelve, Peter's heart stopped beating. It was 100 days.
Peter and Tina were sitting in the park just gazing into the sky, while all their friends were having fun with their beloved partners.
Tina: I'm so bored. Just wish I have a boyfriend now to spend time with.
Peter: I guess we're the only leftovers. We're the only person who isn't with a date now. (both sigh in silence for a while)
Tina: I think I have a good idea. Lets play a game
Peter: Eh? What game?
Tina: Eem..It's quite simple. You be my boyfriend for 100 days and I'll be your girlfriend for 100 days. what do you think?
Peter: Oookay..Anyway I don't have any plan for the next few months.
Tina: You sound like you aren't looking forward to it at all. Cheer up. Today will be our first day and our first date. Where should we go?
Peter: What about a movie? I heard that there is a really great movie in theater now.
Tina: Seems like I don't have any better idea than this. Lets move. (went to watch their movies and sent each other home)
Day 2:
Peter and Tina went to a concert together, and Peter bought Tina a keychain with a star.
Day 3:
They went shopping together for a friend's birthday present. Share an ice-cream together and hugged each other for the first time.
Day 7:
Peter drove Tina up onto a mountain and they watch the sunset together. When the night came and the moon glowed, they said sat on the grass gazing at the stars together. A meteor passed by. Tina mumbled something.
Day 25:
Spent time at a theme-park, got onto roller-coasters, and ate hot-dogs and cotton-candy. Peter and Tina got in the haunted house and Tina grabbed someone's hand instead of Peter's hand by accident. They laughed together for a while.
Day 67:
They drove past a circus and decided to get in to watch the show. The midget asked Tina to play a part as his assistant in the magic show. Went around to see other entertainments around after the show. Came to a fortune teller and she just said "Treasure every moment from now on" and a tear rolled down the fortune teller's cheek.
Day 84:
Tina suggested that they go to the beach. The beach wasn't so crowded that day. They have their first kiss with each other just as the sun is setting.
Day 99:
They decided to have a simple day and to walk around the city. They sit together on a park-bench for a while.
1:23 pm
Tina: I'm thirsty. Let's rest for a while first.
Peter: Wait here while I go buy some drinks. What would you like?
Tina: Eem...Apple juice will be just fine.
1:43 pm
Tina had been waiting for about 20 minutes and Peter hadn't returned. Then someone walked up to her.
Stranger: Is your name Tina?
Tina: Yes, and may I help you?
Stranger: Just down the street a drunk driver has hit a young guy. I think he's your friend.
Tina ran over to the spot and saw Peter lying on the road soaked in blood. He still had a bottle of apple juice in his hands. The ambulance came and Tina rode to the hospital with Peter. She waited outside the operation theater for five and a half hours. The doctor came out and sighed.
11:51 pm
Doctor: I'm sorry. We did the best we could, but he won't make it. He is still breathing but God would take him away from us very soon. We found this letter inside his pocket. The doctor reached out and handed over the letter to Tina who ran into the OT to see Peter. He looked weak but peaceful. Tina read the letter burst into tears. Here is what the letter said:
"Tina, our 100 days are almost over. I had fun with you through these days. Although I may, at times, be greedy and less thoughtful, but you brought happiness into my life. I have realized that you are a really nice girl and I am to blame for never having taken the time to know you. I don't have a lot to ask for, but just wish that we can extend the day. I want to be your boyfriend forever and wish that you can be by my side all the time. Tina, I love you."
11:58
Tina: (sobbing) Peter! Did you know what was the wish I made on the night there was a shooting star? I asked God to let us last forever. So Peter! Don't leave me! I LOVE YOU, but can you come back to me now? I love you Peter. I LOVE YOU.
As the clock struck twelve, Peter's heart stopped beating. It was 100 days.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
VIDEO: Drop it like a FOB (Parody of Drop it like it's Hot)
1 mt 47 secs
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Allow the controller to load above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Song: Drop it like a FOB (Fresh Off the Boat)
By: Anoop Dogg (Himal and Rakesh)
If you have a lot of chest hair,
Show it like a FOB (x3),
Immigration coming to get you,
Marry like a FOB (x3),
If the ladki gives you attitude,
Love her like a FOB (x3)
I got the chappals on my feet
When I'm walking down the street,
And I make the best saag
When I want something to eat
I am a nice FOB,
I work in the IT,
Call tech support,
And you get me.
I am a bachelor,
And I work hard,
Come and marry me
So I can get the Green-card.
White people, can’t understand me,
Their jobs are now in New Delhi.
1 to the 2, uh to the 3
A.N.Double-O.P.
D.O.Double-G.
Cows in the street
WIth the bugs and the sheep
And I'm sweating so much
Like a lattoo in the heat
Give me a call
Coz I have all the answers
Coz I am the Boss
Of MS DOS
Outsourcing me
For a lower gauche
You should think about it
Take a second
Yo doll,
I'm on the other line
So please call back
We'll talk another time
If you have a lot of chest hair,
Show it like a FOB (x3),
Immigration coming to get you,
Marry like a FOB (x3),
If the ladki gives you attitude,
Love her like a FOB (x3)
I got the chappals on my feet
When I'm walking down the street,
And I make the best saag
When I want something to eat
If you don't know Snoop Dogg's original Drop It Like It's Hot, play it here:
3 mts 19 secs
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Allow the controller to load above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
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Allow the controller to load above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Song: Drop it like a FOB (Fresh Off the Boat)
By: Anoop Dogg (Himal and Rakesh)
If you have a lot of chest hair,
Show it like a FOB (x3),
Immigration coming to get you,
Marry like a FOB (x3),
If the ladki gives you attitude,
Love her like a FOB (x3)
I got the chappals on my feet
When I'm walking down the street,
And I make the best saag
When I want something to eat
I am a nice FOB,
I work in the IT,
Call tech support,
And you get me.
I am a bachelor,
And I work hard,
Come and marry me
So I can get the Green-card.
White people, can’t understand me,
Their jobs are now in New Delhi.
1 to the 2, uh to the 3
A.N.Double-O.P.
D.O.Double-G.
Cows in the street
WIth the bugs and the sheep
And I'm sweating so much
Like a lattoo in the heat
Give me a call
Coz I have all the answers
Coz I am the Boss
Of MS DOS
Outsourcing me
For a lower gauche
You should think about it
Take a second
Yo doll,
I'm on the other line
So please call back
We'll talk another time
If you have a lot of chest hair,
Show it like a FOB (x3),
Immigration coming to get you,
Marry like a FOB (x3),
If the ladki gives you attitude,
Love her like a FOB (x3)
I got the chappals on my feet
When I'm walking down the street,
And I make the best saag
When I want something to eat
If you don't know Snoop Dogg's original Drop It Like It's Hot, play it here:
3 mts 19 secs
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Allow the controller to load above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Another Perception Management Story
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom."
With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice-even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home
[This, my friends, is called "anchoring" in management speak]
Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom."
With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice-even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home
[This, my friends, is called "anchoring" in management speak]
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Choosing between good and evil
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Thought for the day ......
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Thought for the day ......
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Perception Management Story
Grandmother was pretending to be lost in prayer, but her prayer-beads were spinning at top speed. That meant she was either excited or upset.Mother put the receiver down. "Some American girl in his office, she'scoming to stay with us for a week." She sounded as if she had a deep
foreboding.
Father had no such doubt. He knew the worst was to come. He had been matching horoscopes for a year, but my brother Vivek had found a million excuses for not being able to visit India, call any of the chosen Iyer girls, or in any other way advance father's cause. Father always wore four parallel lines of sacred ash on his forehead. Now there were eight, so deep were the furrows of worry on his forehead. I sat in a corner, supposedly lost in a book, but furiously text-messaging my brother with a vivid description of the scene before me.
A few days later I stood outside the airport with father. He tried not to look directly at any American woman going past, and held up the card reading "Barbara". Finally a large woman stepped out, waved wildly and shouted "Hiiii! Mr. Aayyyezh, how ARE you?" Everyone turned and looked at us. Father shrank visibly before my eyes. Barbara took three long steps and covered father in a tight embrace. Father's jiggling out of it was too funny to watch. I could hear him whispering "Shiva shiva!". She shouted "you must be Vijaantee?" "Yes, Vyjayanthi" I said with a smile. I imagined little half-Indian children calling me "Vijaantee aunty!".
Suddenly, my colorless existence in Madurai had perked up. For at least the next one week, life promised to be quite exciting.
Soon we were eating lunch at home. Barbara had changed into an even shorter skirt. The low neckline of her blouse was just in line with father's eyes. He was glaring at mother as if she had conjured up Barbara just to torture him. Barbara was asking "You only have vegetarian food? Always??" as if the idea was shocking to her. "You know what really goes well with Indian food, especially chicken? Indian beer!" she said with a pleasant smile, seemingly oblivious to the
apoplexy of the gentleman in front of her, or the choking sounds coming from mother. I had to quickly duck under the table to hide my giggles.
Everyone tried to get the facts without asking the one question on all our minds: What was the exact nature of the relationship between Vivek and Barbara? She brought out a laptop computer. "I have some pictures of Vivek" she said. All of us crowded around her. The first picture was
quite innocuous. Vivek was wearing shorts, and standing alone on the beach. In the next photo, he had Barbara draped all over him. She was wearing a skimpy bikini and leaning across, with her hand lovingly circling his neck. Father got up, and flicked the towel off his
shoulder. It was a gesture we in the family had learned to fear. He literally ran to the door and went out. Barbara said "It must be hard for Mr. Aayyezh. He must be missing his son." We didn't have the heart to tell her that if said son had been within reach, father would have
lovingly wrung his neck.
My parents and grandmother apparently had reached an unspoken agreement. They would deal with Vivek later. Right now Barbara was a foreigner, a lone woman, and needed to be treated as an honored guest. It must be said that Barbara didn't make that one bit easy. Soon mother wore a
perpetual frown. Father looked as though he could use some of that famous Indian beer.
Vivek had said he would be in a conference in Guatemala all week, and would be off both phone and email. But Barbara had long lovey-dovey conversations with two other men, one man named Steve and another named Keith. The rest of us strained to hear every interesting word. "I miss
you!" she said to both. She also kept talking with us about Vivek, and about the places they'd visited together. She had pictures to prove it, too. It was all very confusing.
This was the best play I'd watched in a long time. It was even better than the day my cousin ran away with a Telugu Christian girl. My aunt had come howling through the door, though I noticed that she made it to the plushest sofa before falling in a faint. Father said that if it had been his child, the door would have been forever shut in his face. Aunt promptly revived and said "You'll know when it is your child!" How my aunt would rejoice if she knew of Barbara!
On day five of her visit, the family awoke to the awful sound of Barbara's retching. The bathroom door was shut, the water was running, but far louder was the sound of Barbara crying and throwing up at the same time. Mother and grandmother exchanged ominous glances. Barbara
came out, and her face was red. "I don't know why", she said, "I feel queasy in the mornings now." If she had seen as many Indian movies as I'd seen, she'd know why. Mother was standing as if turned to stone. Was she supposed to react with the compassion reserved for pregnant women?
With the criticism reserved for pregnant unmarried women? With the fear reserved for pregnant unmarried foreign women who could embroil one's son in a paternity suit? Mother, who navigated familiar flows of married life with the skill of a champion oarsman, now seemed completely taken off her moorings. She seemed to hope that if she didn't react it might all disappear like a bad dream.
I made a mental note to not leave home at all for the next week. Whatever my parents would say to Vivek when they finally got a-hold of him would be too interesting to miss. But they never got a chance. The day Barbara was to leave, we got a terse email from Vivek. "Sorry, still
stuck in Guatemala. Just wanted to mention, another friend of mine, Sameera Sheikh, needs a place to stay. She'll fly in from Hyderabad tomorrow at 10am. Sorry for the trouble."
So there we were, father and I, with a board saying "Sameera". At last a pretty young woman in salwar-khameez saw the board, gave the smallest of smiles, and walked quietly towards us. When she did 'Namaste' to father, I thought I saw his eyes mist up. She took my hand in the friendliest way and said "Hello, Vyjayanthi, I've heard so much about you." I fell in love with her. In the car father was unusually friendly. She and Vivek had been in the same group of friends in Ohio University. She now worked as a Child Psychologist.
She didn't seem to be too bad at family psychology either. She took out a shawl for grandmother, a saree for mother and Hyderabadi bangles for me. "Just some small things. I have to meet a professor at Madurai university, and it's so nice of you to let me stay" she said. Everyone cheered up. Even grandmother smiled. At lunch she said "This is so nice. When I make sambar, it comes out like chole, and my chole tastes just like sambar". Mother was smiling. "Oh just watch for 2 days, you'll pick it up." Grandmother had never allowed a muslim to enter the kitchen. But mother seemed to have taken charge, and decided she would bring in who
ever she felt was worthy. Sameera circumspectly stayed out of the puja room, but on the third day, I was stunned to see father inviting her in and telling her which idols had come to him from his father. "God is one" he said. Sameera nodded sagely.
By the fifth day, I could see the thought forming in the family's collective brains. If this fellow had to choose his own bride, why couldn't it be someone like Sameera? On the sixth day, when Vivek called from the airport saying he had cut short his Gautemala trip and was on his way home, all had a million things to discuss with him. He arrived by taxi at a time when Sameera had gone to the University. "So, how was Barbara's visit?" he asked blithely. "How do you know her?" mother asked sternly. "She's my secretary" he said. "She works very hard, and she'll do anything to help." He turned and winked at me. Oh, I got the plot now!
By the time Sameera returned home that evening, it was almost as if her joining the family was the elders' idea. "Don't worry about anything", they said, "we'll talk with your parents."
On the wedding day a huge bouquet arrived from Barbara.
"Flight to India - $1500.
Indian kurta - $5.
Emetic to throw up - $1.
The look on your parents' faces - priceless !! " it said.
foreboding.
Father had no such doubt. He knew the worst was to come. He had been matching horoscopes for a year, but my brother Vivek had found a million excuses for not being able to visit India, call any of the chosen Iyer girls, or in any other way advance father's cause. Father always wore four parallel lines of sacred ash on his forehead. Now there were eight, so deep were the furrows of worry on his forehead. I sat in a corner, supposedly lost in a book, but furiously text-messaging my brother with a vivid description of the scene before me.
A few days later I stood outside the airport with father. He tried not to look directly at any American woman going past, and held up the card reading "Barbara". Finally a large woman stepped out, waved wildly and shouted "Hiiii! Mr. Aayyyezh, how ARE you?" Everyone turned and looked at us. Father shrank visibly before my eyes. Barbara took three long steps and covered father in a tight embrace. Father's jiggling out of it was too funny to watch. I could hear him whispering "Shiva shiva!". She shouted "you must be Vijaantee?" "Yes, Vyjayanthi" I said with a smile. I imagined little half-Indian children calling me "Vijaantee aunty!".
Suddenly, my colorless existence in Madurai had perked up. For at least the next one week, life promised to be quite exciting.
Soon we were eating lunch at home. Barbara had changed into an even shorter skirt. The low neckline of her blouse was just in line with father's eyes. He was glaring at mother as if she had conjured up Barbara just to torture him. Barbara was asking "You only have vegetarian food? Always??" as if the idea was shocking to her. "You know what really goes well with Indian food, especially chicken? Indian beer!" she said with a pleasant smile, seemingly oblivious to the
apoplexy of the gentleman in front of her, or the choking sounds coming from mother. I had to quickly duck under the table to hide my giggles.
Everyone tried to get the facts without asking the one question on all our minds: What was the exact nature of the relationship between Vivek and Barbara? She brought out a laptop computer. "I have some pictures of Vivek" she said. All of us crowded around her. The first picture was
quite innocuous. Vivek was wearing shorts, and standing alone on the beach. In the next photo, he had Barbara draped all over him. She was wearing a skimpy bikini and leaning across, with her hand lovingly circling his neck. Father got up, and flicked the towel off his
shoulder. It was a gesture we in the family had learned to fear. He literally ran to the door and went out. Barbara said "It must be hard for Mr. Aayyezh. He must be missing his son." We didn't have the heart to tell her that if said son had been within reach, father would have
lovingly wrung his neck.
My parents and grandmother apparently had reached an unspoken agreement. They would deal with Vivek later. Right now Barbara was a foreigner, a lone woman, and needed to be treated as an honored guest. It must be said that Barbara didn't make that one bit easy. Soon mother wore a
perpetual frown. Father looked as though he could use some of that famous Indian beer.
Vivek had said he would be in a conference in Guatemala all week, and would be off both phone and email. But Barbara had long lovey-dovey conversations with two other men, one man named Steve and another named Keith. The rest of us strained to hear every interesting word. "I miss
you!" she said to both. She also kept talking with us about Vivek, and about the places they'd visited together. She had pictures to prove it, too. It was all very confusing.
This was the best play I'd watched in a long time. It was even better than the day my cousin ran away with a Telugu Christian girl. My aunt had come howling through the door, though I noticed that she made it to the plushest sofa before falling in a faint. Father said that if it had been his child, the door would have been forever shut in his face. Aunt promptly revived and said "You'll know when it is your child!" How my aunt would rejoice if she knew of Barbara!
On day five of her visit, the family awoke to the awful sound of Barbara's retching. The bathroom door was shut, the water was running, but far louder was the sound of Barbara crying and throwing up at the same time. Mother and grandmother exchanged ominous glances. Barbara
came out, and her face was red. "I don't know why", she said, "I feel queasy in the mornings now." If she had seen as many Indian movies as I'd seen, she'd know why. Mother was standing as if turned to stone. Was she supposed to react with the compassion reserved for pregnant women?
With the criticism reserved for pregnant unmarried women? With the fear reserved for pregnant unmarried foreign women who could embroil one's son in a paternity suit? Mother, who navigated familiar flows of married life with the skill of a champion oarsman, now seemed completely taken off her moorings. She seemed to hope that if she didn't react it might all disappear like a bad dream.
I made a mental note to not leave home at all for the next week. Whatever my parents would say to Vivek when they finally got a-hold of him would be too interesting to miss. But they never got a chance. The day Barbara was to leave, we got a terse email from Vivek. "Sorry, still
stuck in Guatemala. Just wanted to mention, another friend of mine, Sameera Sheikh, needs a place to stay. She'll fly in from Hyderabad tomorrow at 10am. Sorry for the trouble."
So there we were, father and I, with a board saying "Sameera". At last a pretty young woman in salwar-khameez saw the board, gave the smallest of smiles, and walked quietly towards us. When she did 'Namaste' to father, I thought I saw his eyes mist up. She took my hand in the friendliest way and said "Hello, Vyjayanthi, I've heard so much about you." I fell in love with her. In the car father was unusually friendly. She and Vivek had been in the same group of friends in Ohio University. She now worked as a Child Psychologist.
She didn't seem to be too bad at family psychology either. She took out a shawl for grandmother, a saree for mother and Hyderabadi bangles for me. "Just some small things. I have to meet a professor at Madurai university, and it's so nice of you to let me stay" she said. Everyone cheered up. Even grandmother smiled. At lunch she said "This is so nice. When I make sambar, it comes out like chole, and my chole tastes just like sambar". Mother was smiling. "Oh just watch for 2 days, you'll pick it up." Grandmother had never allowed a muslim to enter the kitchen. But mother seemed to have taken charge, and decided she would bring in who
ever she felt was worthy. Sameera circumspectly stayed out of the puja room, but on the third day, I was stunned to see father inviting her in and telling her which idols had come to him from his father. "God is one" he said. Sameera nodded sagely.
By the fifth day, I could see the thought forming in the family's collective brains. If this fellow had to choose his own bride, why couldn't it be someone like Sameera? On the sixth day, when Vivek called from the airport saying he had cut short his Gautemala trip and was on his way home, all had a million things to discuss with him. He arrived by taxi at a time when Sameera had gone to the University. "So, how was Barbara's visit?" he asked blithely. "How do you know her?" mother asked sternly. "She's my secretary" he said. "She works very hard, and she'll do anything to help." He turned and winked at me. Oh, I got the plot now!
By the time Sameera returned home that evening, it was almost as if her joining the family was the elders' idea. "Don't worry about anything", they said, "we'll talk with your parents."
On the wedding day a huge bouquet arrived from Barbara.
"Flight to India - $1500.
Indian kurta - $5.
Emetic to throw up - $1.
The look on your parents' faces - priceless !! " it said.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Ladies, here's the truth about men
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Calling a Spade a Spade: Some Facts
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....what more can I say?
If your father is a poor man it is your fate,
but if your father-in-law is a poor man it's your stupidity.
I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect. But nobody's perfect. So why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry.
If and when they do, they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off till the day after.
"Your future depends on your dreams"
Go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day
than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn?
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....what more can I say?
If your father is a poor man it is your fate,
but if your father-in-law is a poor man it's your stupidity.
I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect. But nobody's perfect. So why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry.
If and when they do, they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off till the day after.
"Your future depends on your dreams"
Go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day
than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn?
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Q&A
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Just drop it; concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Q. If it took 8 men 10 hours to build a wall, how long would it take 4 men to build it?
A. No time at all because it has already been built.
Q. If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand and 4 apples and 3 oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. Once you find me an elephant with one hand, I'll lift it with a crane.
Q. How can a man go 8 days without sleep?
A. No Problems as he can sleep at night.
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
A. It will become sunken.
Q. What looks like a half apple?
A: The other half.
A. Just drop it; concrete floors are very hard to crack!
Q. If it took 8 men 10 hours to build a wall, how long would it take 4 men to build it?
A. No time at all because it has already been built.
Q. If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand and 4 apples and 3 oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. Once you find me an elephant with one hand, I'll lift it with a crane.
Q. How can a man go 8 days without sleep?
A. No Problems as he can sleep at night.
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
A. It will become sunken.
Q. What looks like a half apple?
A: The other half.
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