Funny Retorts

I am nobody.
Nobody is perfect.
Therefore, I am perfect.

God is love.
Love is blind.
Ray Charles is blind.
Therefore Ray Charles is blind.

Q. Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.

24 hours in a day.
24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?
I think not!

No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is winning.

Ham and Eggs.
A day's work for a chicken;
A lifetime commitment for a pig.

I still miss my ex.
But my aim is getting better.

To all you virgins:
Thanks for nothing!

If you think there is good in everybody,
you haven't met everybody.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

It's a small world,
so you have to use your elbows a lot.

I spent most of my money on whisky, women and cigarettes.
The rest, I just wasted.

It may be your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

People who say you can't buy happiness, just don't know where to shop.

Join the army.
Travel the world,
meet interesting people,
and kill them.

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

Don't drink and drive.
You might hit a bump and spill something.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

It's not whether you win or lose but how you place the blame.

If we weren't meant to eat animals then why are they made of meat?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you are going to lay around the house and drink beer all day, you've gotta start early in the morning.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I want to die asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I'm not insensitive.
I just don't care.

One good thing about alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Artificial itelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Always give 100% at work:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

Confession is good for your soul,
but bad for your career.

Meetings.
A practical alternative to work.

To err is human.
To forgive is against company policy.

Tell me again how lucky I am to work here.
I keep forgetting.

If you love something set it free.
If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it.

I think sex is better than logic,
but I can't prove it.

- bumper sticker -
Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multitasking?

Chaos, panic and disorder.
My work here is done.

I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Atheism:
A non-prophet organization.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I don't have a license to kill.
But I do have a learner's permit.

First draw the curve,
Then plot the data.

Life is uncertain...
Eat dessert first!

I pretend to work.
They pretend to pay me.

All I want is less to do,
more time to do it,
and more money
for not getting it done.

Some push the envelope.
Some just lick it.
And some can't find the flap.

The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.

Wanted:
A meaningful overnight relationship.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.
Other times, I let her sleep.

I'm busy.
You're ugly.
Have a nice day.