A father was passing by his son's fraternity house late one night when he decided to drop in. He knocked on the front door and a young man replied, What do you want?
Does Tommy Norris live here? the father asked.
Yup, the man said. Just leave him on the front porch as usual.
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A church janitor was sweeping the altar when a priest said, "I really have to go to the bathroom. Could you sit in the confessional for a few minutes? Just tell whomever comes in to do 10 Hail Marys as penance."
The janitor did as the priest asked and the first confessor was a woman who said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I performed oral sex on a man."
The janitor was shocked. He didn't think that 10 Hail Marys would be nearly enough punishment, so he stuck his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy who was passing by, "What does the priest give for oral sex?"
The altar boy replied, "A candy bar or a soda."
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A man told his doctor that his wife hadn't had sex with him in seven months. The physician told the man to bring his wife to the office for a private talk. When the wife arrived, the doctor asked about her libido. Well, doctor, she replied, the truth is that I take a cab to work every morning, and the cabbie always asks me, "So are you going to pay today or what?" We don't have much money, so I always give him an "or what". That makes me late for work, and my boss asks me, "So are we going to dock your salary or what?" I always give him the "or what." By the time I get home, I don't feel like having sex anymore.
Hmm, the doctor said. I see. So are we going to tell your husband about your problem or what?
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A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He cornered a monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion."
Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammered, "You are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Annoyed, the elephant picked up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree and stomped on him. As he hobbled away, the lion said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to make such a big deal about it."
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A king suspected that his wife was being unfaithful to him, so he taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight."
He replied, "It wath nothing your magethy."
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Two dogs were sitting in the waiting room at a vet's office. One dog said to the other, What are you here for?
The dog replied, Well, I live in this house with a six-year-old boy who is constantly pulling on my ears. One day I just had enough and bit the little shit. So his parents are having me put to sleep. What are you here for?
The first dog answered, I live with this 28-year-old lady that has a killer body. She never wears clothes around the house. One day she was bending over cleaning the bathtub and I couldn't resist. I jumped up and did her.
The other dog asked, Is she putting you to sleep for that?
He replied, No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed.
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A man and his wife were having sex. 15 minutes passed, then 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat was pouring off their bodies. The wife finally opened her eyes and said, What's the matter, darling. Can't you think of anyone else either?
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A man and his wife were watching a boxing match on TV. After the knockout, the husband said, That sucks. It was over in three minutes.
His wife replied, Now you know how I feel.
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Pfizer and Pepsi Cola have decided to jointly market a Viagra - laced beverage. It will be called Mount and Do, and its ad slogan will be, "Pour Yourself a Stiff One."
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Son kills butterfly....dad says no butter for 2 weeks
Son kills honeybee....dad says no honey for 2 weeks
Mom kills cockroach....son says "dad will you tell her or should I?"
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A man standing in the back of a crowded hotel elevator shouted out, "Ballroom, please."
The woman in front of him turned around and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was crowding you."
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A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?
Well, the vet said, let me have a look at him.
The doctor picked the dog up and examined his eyes. Finally, he said, I'm going to have to put him down.
But why? the man said. Just because he's cross-eyed?
No, the vet replied. Because he's really heavy.
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A woman suffering from chronic headaches visited a new age doctor. He advised, When you feel a headache coming on, stare at yourself in a mirror and say, "I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache." I guarantee you will be cured of your ailment right away.
The woman left the doctor's office. In the elevator, her head began to throb. She noticed that the elevator had mirrored walls. She looked at herself and repeated the mantra. Her headache immediately disappeared.
Elated, she ran back into the doctor's office. It worked, she said. You're a genius. I must send my husband to see you. We haven't had sex in months.
A few days later, her husband visited the doctor. When he returned home, he headed straight to the bathroom and locked the door. A few minutes later, he emerged and made passionate love to his wife. When they finished, he returned to the bathroom and shut the door. Ten minutes later, he came out and they had sex again. When he locked himself in the bathroom a third time, the curious wife peeked through the keyhole.
Her husband was staring at himself in the mirror, repeating, "That woman is not my wife. That woman is not my wife."
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Stressed out by city living, a man quit his job and bought a cabin in the woods. His closest neighbor was four miles away. One night he was finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. "I'm your neighbor," the man said. "I'm having a party Saturday and thought you'd like to come."
"I'd love to," the man said.
"Gotta warn you though," the neighbor said. "There's gonna be a lot of drinking."
"I can drink with the best of them," the man said.
"More than likely gonna be some fighting too," the neighbor said.
"I'll just stay out of the way," the man said.
"Last time I had a party, there was some screwing too," the neighbor said.
"Now that's not a problem," the man said. "I've been alone for six months. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Whatever you want," the neighbor said. "Just gonna be the two of us."
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A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.
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"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the
adi: the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”
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Mother Vampire to Daughter Vampire when she sees her taking a used tampon: No young lady, no in-between meal snacks!
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A blonde walked up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket. The ticket agent asked, Where to?
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, Duuuuuh, back here
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I don’t love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.
