What's your tree?

Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat accurate, also in line with Celtic astrology.

Dec 23 to Jan 01 -& Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jan 01 to Jan 11 & Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 & Jul 15 to Jul 25 -Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 & Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 & May 01 to May 14 & Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 & Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 & Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 & Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 & Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) -Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 & Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 & Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 & Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 & Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
May 15 to May 24 & Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 & Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 & Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 & Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) - Birch Tree
Sep 23 (only) - Olive Tree
Dec 22 (only) - Beech Tree

YOUR TREE (in alphabetical order)

Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner,very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.

Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.

Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).

Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed.

Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humour, practical.

Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, ! loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, few sexual relationships, great sense of humour, has artistic talent and great intelligence.

Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.

Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humour, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.

Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.

Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.

Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.

Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh

American Customs

An Indian migrated to America, and moved into an American neighbourhood; his American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome. He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could p ut off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man. "I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled in the Indian man's face.

The Indian man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told, that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."

VIDEO: I Am India

3 mts 36 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

For your viewing pleasure on the Republic Day: I Am India

VIDEO: Charlie Rose interviews Pakistan PM Shaukat Aziz

56 mts 40 secs

Please click the Play button above.

This is one interesting interview. Shaukat Aziz certainly is younger and suaver than Indian PM Manmohan Singh. In this interview, which takes places right after the missile strike in Pakistan, Aziz presents an interesting picture. On occasion he comes across as direct and honest; he is clearly evasive the rest of the time. Check out for yourself.

VIDEO: Pepsi Will Rock You

2 mts 59 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

Party Q&A

Q - Why does a man's penis have a hole in it?
A - So he can get oxygen to his brain.

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Q - What did the tsunami say to the coconut tree?
A - You better hold on to your nuts baby, this is nor ordinary blow job.

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Q - Mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day but what day is dedicated to single guys?
A - Palm Sunday.

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Q - What is the difference between a blonde woman and an ironing board?
A - Sometimes the legs of an ironing board are hard to open.

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Q - What do you get when you mix holy water with prune juice?
A - A religious movement.

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Q - How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?
A - It isn't hard.
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Q - What is the punishment for bigamy?
A - Two mothers-in-law.

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Q - Why did the hard-of-hearing chief of police order the SWAT team to surround the department store?
A - He heard they had Summer Bed Linen inside.

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Q - What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A - Outlaws are wanted.

Optical Illusions: Camels in Turkey

Click on the picture to enlarge

The black ones are shadows, while the small white ones are the real camels....it is a shot from the top.

UPDATE: Received again Mar 29, 2006
UPDATE: Received again Aug 09, 2007

Tech Support Travails

Great Wall of China in different seasons

You don't know the meaning of stinking rich till you have seen this

Silver Audi A8 car made for a Sheikh in Dubai. No, no, it's not a silver-colored car - it is made of silver!

Parrot flower

VIDEO: Russell Peters as BBC's tsunami correspondent

3 mts 53 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

Russel Peters as BBC's correspondent in tsunami-hit Thailand.

Only in America: Life in the Times of George W Bush (2005)

"[I]t's a myth to think I don't know what's going on. It's a myth to think that I'm not aware that there's opinions that don't agree with mine, because I'm fully aware of that."
Philadelphia, Pa., Dec. 12, 2005

"I mean, there was a serious international effort to say to Saddam Hussein, you're a threat. And the 9/11 attacks extenuated that threat, as far as I-concerned."
Philadelphia, Dec. 12, 2005

"I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome."
defending Vice President Dick Cheney's pre-war assertion that the United States would be welcomed in Iraq as liberators, NBC Nightly News interview, Dec. 12, 2005

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."
Tucson, Ariz., Nov. 28, 2005

"As a matter of fact, I know relations between our governments is good."
on U.S.-South Korean relations, Washington D.C., Nov. 8, 2005

"Wow! Brazil is big."
after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005

"Bin Laden says his own role is to tell Muslims, quote, 'what is good for them and what is not.'"
Washington D.C., Oct. 6, 2005

"I think it's important to bring somebody from outside the system, the judicial system, somebody that hasn't been on the bench and, therefore, there's not a lot of opinions for people to look at."
on the nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, Washington, D.C., October 4, 2005

"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you."
Gulfport, Miss., Sept. 20, 2005

"If it were to rain a lot, there is concern from the Army Corps of Engineers that the levees might break. And so, therefore, we're cautious about encouraging people to return at this moment of history."
Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2005

"Listen, I want to thank leaders of the — in the faith — faith-based and community-based community for being here."
Washington, D.C., Sept. 6, 2005

"I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbors back into neighborhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs."
Poplarville, Miss., Sept. 5, 2005

"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job."
to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his job performance, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005

"We've got a lot of rebuilding to do. First, we're going to save lives and stabilize the situation. And then we're going to help these communities rebuild. The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch."
touring hurricane damage, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005

"My thoughts are, we're going to get somebody who knows what they're talking about when it comes to rebuilding cities."
on rebuilding New Orleans, Biloxi, Miss., Sept. 2, 2005

"It's totally wiped out. ... It's devastating, it's got to be doubly devastating on the ground."
turning to his aides while surveying Hurricane Katrina flood damage from Air Force One , Aug. 31, 2005

"The best place for the facts to be done is by somebody who's spending time investigating it."
on the probe into how CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity was leaked, Washington D.C., July 18, 2005

"I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."
on visiting Denmark, Washington D.C., June 29, 2005

"I was going to say he's a piece of work, but that might not translate too well. Is that all right, if I call you a 'piece of work'?"
to Jean-Claude Juncker, prime minister of Luxembourg, Washington, D.C., June 20, 2005

"The relations with, uhh — Europe are important relations, and they've, uhh — because, we do share values. And, they're universal values, they're not American values or, you know — European values, they're universal values. And those values — uhh — being universal, ought to be applied everywhere."
at a press conference with European Union dignitaries, Washington, D.C., June 20, 2005

"You see, not only did the attacks help accelerate a recession, the attacks reminded us that we are at war."
on the Sept. 11 attacks, Washington, D.C., June 8, 2005

"And the second way to defeat the terrorists is to spread freedom. You see, the best way to defeat a society that is — doesn't have hope, a society where people become so angry they're willing to become suiciders, is to spread freedom, is to spread democracy."
Washington, D.C., June 8, 2005

"It seemed like to me they based some of their decisions on the word of — and the allegations — by people who were held in detention, people who hate America, people that had been trained in some instances to disassemble — that means not tell the truth."
on an Amnesty International report on prisoner abuse at Guantanamo Bay, Washington, D.C., May 31, 2005

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."
Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005

"We discussed the way forward in Iraq, discussed the importance of a democracy in the greater Middle East in order to leave behind a peaceful tomorrow."
Tbilisi, Georgia, May 10, 2005

"I think younger workers — first of all, younger workers have been promised benefits the government — promises that have been promised, benefits that we can't keep. That's just the way it is."
Washington, D.C., May 4, 2005

"It means your own money would grow better than that which the government can make it grow. And that's important."
on what private accounts could do for Social Security funds, Falls Church, Va., April 29, 2005

"I can only speak to myself."
Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."
Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

"We expect the states to show us whether or not we're achieving simple objectives — like literacy, literacy in math, the ability to read and write."
on federal education requirements, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

"He understands the need for a timely write of the constitution."
on Prime Minister Iyad Allawi of Iraq, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

"But Iraq has — have got people there that are willing to kill, and they're hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future."
Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

"I appreciate my love for Laura."
Washington, D.C., April 20, 2005

"We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge."
Washington, D.C., April 20, 2005

"Part of the facts is understanding we have a problem, and part of the facts is what you're going to do about it."
Kirtland, Ohio, April 15, 2005

"I'm going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess, it's the Mother in me."
Washington D.C., April 14, 2005

"We look forward to analyzing and working with legislation that will make — it would hope — put a free press's mind at ease that you're not being denied information you shouldn't see."
Washington, D.C., April 14, 2005

"I want to thank you for the importance that you've shown for education and literacy."
Washington, D.C., April 13, 2005

"I understand there's a suspicion that we—we're too security-conscience."
Washington D.C., April 14, 2005

"If they pre-decease or die early, there's an asset base to be able to pass on to a loved one."
on Social Security money held in private accounts, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, March 30, 2005

[I'm] occasionally reading, I want you to know, in the second term."
Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

"In this job you've got a lot on your plate on a regular basis; you don't have much time to sit around and wander, lonely, in the Oval Office, kind of asking different portraits, 'How do you think my standing will be?'"
Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

"In terms of timetables, as quickly as possible — whatever that means."
on his time frame for shoring up Social Security, Washington D.C., March 16, 2005

"I like the idea of people running for office. There's a positive effect when you run for office. Maybe some will run for office and say, vote for me, I look forward to blowing up America. I don't know, I don't know if that will be their platform or not. But it's -- I don't think so. I think people who generally run for office say, vote for me, I'm looking forward to fixing your potholes, or making sure you got bread on the table."
on elections in the Middle East, Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

"I repeat, personal accounts do not permanently fix the solution."
Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

"This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table."
Brussels, Belgium, Feb. 22, 2005

"If you're a younger person, you ought to be asking members of Congress and the United States Senate and the president what you intend to do about it. If you see a train wreck coming, you ought to be saying, what are you going to do about it, Mr. Congressman, or Madam Congressman?"
Detroit, Mich., Feb. 8, 2005

"Because the — all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those — changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be — or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the — like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate — the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those — if that growth is affected, it will help on the red."
explaining his plan to save Social Security, Tampa, Fla., Feb. 4, 2005

"You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that."
to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

"After all, Europe is America's closest ally."
Mainz, Germany, Feb. 23, 2005

"Because he's hiding."
responding to a reporter who asked why Osama bin Laden had not been caught, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005

"I'm also mindful that man should never try to put words in God's mouth. I mean, we should never ascribe natural disasters or anything else to God. We are in no way, shape, or form should a human being, play God."
ABC's 20/20, Washington D.C., Jan. 14, 2005

"I want to appreciate those of you who wear our nation's uniform for your sacrifice."
Jacksonville, Fla., Jan. 14, 2005

"I speak plainly sometimes, but you've got to be mindful of the consequences of the words. So put that down. I don't know if you'd call that a confession, a regret, something."
speaking to reporters, Washington, D.C., Jan. 14, 2005

"Who could have possibly envisioned an erection — an election in Iraq at this point in history?"
at the white House, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2005

"We need to apply 21st-century information technology to the health care field. We need to have our medical records put on the I.T."
Collinsville, Ill., Jan. 5, 2005

"I believe we are called to do the hard work to make our communities and quality of life a better place."
Collinsville, Ill., Jan. 5, 2005

Merry Christmas

Santa and his reindeer bring Christmas cheer!

Some party jokes

A father was passing by his son's fraternity house late one night when he decided to drop in. He knocked on the front door and a young man replied, What do you want?

Does Tommy Norris live here? the father asked.

Yup, the man said. Just leave him on the front porch as usual.

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A church janitor was sweeping the altar when a priest said, "I really have to go to the bathroom. Could you sit in the confessional for a few minutes? Just tell whomever comes in to do 10 Hail Marys as penance."

The janitor did as the priest asked and the first confessor was a woman who said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I performed oral sex on a man."

The janitor was shocked. He didn't think that 10 Hail Marys would be nearly enough punishment, so he stuck his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy who was passing by, "What does the priest give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "A candy bar or a soda."

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A man told his doctor that his wife hadn't had sex with him in seven months. The physician told the man to bring his wife to the office for a private talk. When the wife arrived, the doctor asked about her libido. Well, doctor, she replied, the truth is that I take a cab to work every morning, and the cabbie always asks me, "So are you going to pay today or what?" We don't have much money, so I always give him an "or what". That makes me late for work, and my boss asks me, "So are we going to dock your salary or what?" I always give him the "or what." By the time I get home, I don't feel like having sex anymore.

Hmm, the doctor said. I see. So are we going to tell your husband about your problem or what?

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A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He cornered a monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion."

Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified deer stammered, "You are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Annoyed, the elephant picked up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree and stomped on him. As he hobbled away, the lion said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to make such a big deal about it."

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A king suspected that his wife was being unfaithful to him, so he taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight."

He replied, "It wath nothing your magethy."

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Two dogs were sitting in the waiting room at a vet's office. One dog said to the other, What are you here for?

The dog replied, Well, I live in this house with a six-year-old boy who is constantly pulling on my ears. One day I just had enough and bit the little shit. So his parents are having me put to sleep. What are you here for?

The first dog answered, I live with this 28-year-old lady that has a killer body. She never wears clothes around the house. One day she was bending over cleaning the bathtub and I couldn't resist. I jumped up and did her.

The other dog asked, Is she putting you to sleep for that?

He replied, No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed.

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A man and his wife were having sex. 15 minutes passed, then 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat was pouring off their bodies. The wife finally opened her eyes and said, What's the matter, darling. Can't you think of anyone else either?

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A man and his wife were watching a boxing match on TV. After the knockout, the husband said, That sucks. It was over in three minutes.

His wife replied, Now you know how I feel.

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Pfizer and Pepsi Cola have decided to jointly market a Viagra - laced beverage. It will be called Mount and Do, and its ad slogan will be, "Pour Yourself a Stiff One."

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Son kills butterfly....dad says no butter for 2 weeks
Son kills honeybee....dad says no honey for 2 weeks
Mom kills cockroach....son says "dad will you tell her or should I?"

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A man standing in the back of a crowded hotel elevator shouted out, "Ballroom, please."

The woman in front of him turned around and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was crowding you."

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A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?

Well, the vet said, let me have a look at him.

The doctor picked the dog up and examined his eyes. Finally, he said, I'm going to have to put him down.

But why? the man said. Just because he's cross-eyed?

No, the vet replied. Because he's really heavy.

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A woman suffering from chronic headaches visited a new age doctor. He advised, When you feel a headache coming on, stare at yourself in a mirror and say, "I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache." I guarantee you will be cured of your ailment right away.

The woman left the doctor's office. In the elevator, her head began to throb. She noticed that the elevator had mirrored walls. She looked at herself and repeated the mantra. Her headache immediately disappeared.

Elated, she ran back into the doctor's office. It worked, she said. You're a genius. I must send my husband to see you. We haven't had sex in months.

A few days later, her husband visited the doctor. When he returned home, he headed straight to the bathroom and locked the door. A few minutes later, he emerged and made passionate love to his wife. When they finished, he returned to the bathroom and shut the door. Ten minutes later, he came out and they had sex again. When he locked himself in the bathroom a third time, the curious wife peeked through the keyhole.

Her husband was staring at himself in the mirror, repeating, "That woman is not my wife. That woman is not my wife."

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Stressed out by city living, a man quit his job and bought a cabin in the woods. His closest neighbor was four miles away. One night he was finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. "I'm your neighbor," the man said. "I'm having a party Saturday and thought you'd like to come."

"I'd love to," the man said.

"Gotta warn you though," the neighbor said. "There's gonna be a lot of drinking."

"I can drink with the best of them," the man said.

"More than likely gonna be some fighting too," the neighbor said.

"I'll just stay out of the way," the man said.

"Last time I had a party, there was some screwing too," the neighbor said.

"Now that's not a problem," the man said. "I've been alone for six months. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want," the neighbor said. "Just gonna be the two of us."

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A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

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"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the
adi: the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

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Mother Vampire to Daughter Vampire when she sees her taking a used tampon: No young lady, no in-between meal snacks!

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A blonde walked up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket. The ticket agent asked, Where to?

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, Duuuuuh, back here

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I don’t love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.

Beautiful, Peaceful Places

The Mekong River
Fishing boats float in the Mekong River with Luang Prabang, Laos, in the distance.


Ephesus, Turkey
Visitors walk along Curetes Street to explore the ruins of the ancient city of Ephesus, on Turkey's western coast. "In all its classical beauty, Ephesus looks important," says writer James Morgan ("Lost in Time," Traveler October 2004). "You can glance at a cobblestone and imagine it being touched by any of the passing personages there, from King Croesus to Alexander the Great."


Bodrum, Turkey
Writer James Morgan ("Lost in Time," Traveler October 2004) sails in the waters off Bodrum, a bustling port on Turkey's southwestern coast, aboard the 69-foot Kalyeta, a traditional two-masted rig known as a gulet.


Tersane, Turkey
Çaydanliks (Turkish tea pots) line the windowsill of a home on Tersane, the largest island in the Gulf of Fethiye.


Dalyan River, Turkey
A water taxi ferries passengers up the Dalyan River in southwestern Turkey toward funerary rock tombs that resemble the porticoes of small Ionic temples.


Hobart, Tasmania
The vibrant blue-and-black façade of the Tasmanian Symphony Orchestra's rehearsal studios brightens historic downtown Hobart.


Freycinet National Park, Tasmania
Visitors watch the sun rise over Wineglass Bay from a wooden walkway around the base of Cape Tourville Lighthouse.


Cradle Mountain—Lake St. Clair National Park, Tasmania
Heavy fog hangs low over indigenous eucalyptus trees. "Tasmania could be the set for the next J.R.R. Tolkien film, with its mist, rain, rolling hills, bogs, and thick forests," says photographer Kris LeBoutillier.


Ocean Beach, Tasmania
Surfers eat breakfast on Ocean Beach, a pristine 30-mile stretch of sand on Tasmania's western coast. "Their van was amazing," says photographer Kris Leboutillier. "It was kitted out with a folding flat screen television, DVD player, refrigerator, and stereo, all powered by a big marine battery."


Riga, Latvia
A family cuddles on Jurmala Beach, 14 miles outside of Riga, Latvia's capital. "A storm was rolling in, and soon after this photograph was taken, an afternoon-long downpour hit," says photographer Alexandra Avakian. "Weather changes very quickly in Latvia."


Riga, Latvia
His canvas illuminated by an overhead projector, artist Andris Vitolins paints at midnight in the old Soviet-era Artists Union Building.


Riga, Latvia
Designed by Mikhail Einstein, this residential and commercial building on Elizabetes Street is one of the most striking examples of art nouveau (Jugendstil) architecture in Riga's Old Town.


Luang Prabang, Laos
Young girls bike through the intersection of Sisavang Vong and Kitsarath Sethanthirath. The main street of Sisavang Vong is named after the former king of Laos, who ruled for 54 years starting in 1904.


The Mekong River
A child does homework on the banks of the Mekong River, which forms the border between Burma and Thailand, as others play on the boulders that dot the shoreline.


The Mekong River
At sunset, a young boy waters crops on the banks of the Mekong River, which forms the border between Burma and Thailand

AUDIO: Paul Graham on his book Hackers & Painters

30 mts 49 secs
41 mts 26 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

Meet the Parents

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me a condom. I'm going to my girlfriend's home for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too".

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving, he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move."

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us."

A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness."

Ten minutes gone by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

VIDEO: Amazing nature of Mother Nature

0 mts 24 secs
Corona

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

0 mts 57 secs
Noctiluminescent storm gathering in Talkeetna

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

VIDEO: Passport Photo

0 mts 45 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

Coincidence?

YEAR 1981

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes

4. Pope died.

YEAR 2005

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes

4. Pope died.

The next time Charles decides to marry, warn the pope!!

Philosophy and Courage

Legend has it that in 1987, a philosophy professor at Oxford University asked this question worth 50 points:
Question: What is courage?

A question assigned so many points would normally require an eight page essay answer backed up with source material, quotes and analytical reasoning. The answer written by the #1 ranked student:

Answer: This is courage.

Beer, insect and reactions

Event : An insect falls into a mug of beer...

Reactions:

Englishman:
Throws his mug away and walks out

American:
Takes the insect out and drinks the beer

Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the beer away

Japanese:
Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free

Indian:
Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new
mug of beer.

Pakistani:
-Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer
-Relates the issue to Kashmir
-Asks the Chinese for Military aid
-Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer

VIDEO: Trippy Mirror

VIDEO: Ogilvy film on Romania

0 mts 45 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

What's there not to love about Romania? Nothing, when Ogilvy & Mather is telling the story.

VIDEO: Mastercard Spoof - Indecent Proposal

1 mt 17 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

Ridiculously funny take on Mastercard's "priceless" campaign. Don't miss it!

A few knock, knock jokes

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Alaska who?"
"Alaska one more time, then jokes start over."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Orange"
"Orange who?
"Orange you glad you asked?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Howie"
"Howie who?
"Howie going to figure this out?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Champ"
"Champ who?
"Champ poo your hair, it's dirty."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Boo"
"Boo who?"
"Don't cry about it."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Les"
"Les who?
"Les hear another knock knock joke."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Atch"
"Atch who?"
"That's a bad sneeze you got there."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Shelby"
"Shelby who?
"Shelby commin' round the mountain when she comes.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Vera"
"Vera who?
"Vera few people think these jokes are funny."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Andy"
"Andy who?"
"And he bit me again!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Amos"
"Amos who?"
"A mosquito bit me."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Radio"
"Radio who?
"Radio not, here I come!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Llama"
"Llama who?
"Llama yankee doodle dandy."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Ammonia"
"Ammonia who?
"Ammonia trying to be funny."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Mary Lee"
"Mary Lee who?
"Mary Lee, Mary Lee, life is but a dream. Row, Row...."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Statue"
"Statue who?
"Statue that laughed a minute ago?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Anna"
"Anna who?
"Anna body know some more jokes?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Tarzan"
"Tarzan who?
"Tarzan stripes forever."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Albie"
"Albie who?
"Albie darn, a funny joke!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Wendy"
"Wendy who?
"Wendy last time you took a bath?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Canoe"
"Canoe who?
"Canoe tell me some knock knock jokes?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Howard"
"Howard who?
"Howard was the math test today?"
]
Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Sarah"
"Sarah who?
"Sarah reason you're not laughing?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Cargo"
"Cargo who?
"Cargo beep beep, varoom."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Winnie"
"Winnie who?
"Winnie is good, he is very very good."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Althea"
"Althea who?"
"Althea later, Alligator!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Noah"
"Noah who?
"Noah good place to find more jokes?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Frasier"
"Frasier who?
"Frasier joke isn't very funny?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Little old lady"
"Little old lady who?"
"Where did you learn to yodel?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Amanda"
"Amanda who?
"Amanda fix the refrigerator is here."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Waiter"
"Waiter who?"
"Wait, her dress is unbuttoned."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Dismay"
"Dismay who?
"Dismay not be a funny joke."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Sam and Janet"
"Sam and Janet who?
"Sam and Janet evening, you will meet a stranger...."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Mister"
"Mister who?"
"Sorry I mister name, what is it again?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Alison"
"Alison who?
"Alison to you after you listen to me."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Isabel"
"Isabel who?
"Isabel out of order? I had to knock."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Olive"
"Olive who?
"Olive right next door to you."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Wade"
"Wade who?
"Wade down upon the Swanee River."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Dawn"
"Dawn who?
"Dawn by the station, early in the morning."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Luke"
"Luke who?
"Luke out! Here's another knock knock joke."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Owl"
"Owl who?
"Owl tell you another knock knock joke."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Police"
"Police who?
"Police tell me some knock knock jokes."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Heaven"
"Heaven who?
"Heaven you heard enough knock knock jokes?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Ken"
"Ken who?
"Ken you tell me some good knock knock jokes?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Fanny"
"Fanny who?"
"These jokes aren't very fanny."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Celeste"
"Celeste who?
"Celeste time I'm telling you, open up."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Will"
"Will who?
"Will you let me in, its cold out here."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Max"
"Max who?
"Max no difference to you, just let me in."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Beef"
"Beef who?"
"Beefor I get mad you better let me in."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Harry"
"Harry who?
"Harry up and answer the door."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Doris"
"Doris who?"
"The Doris locked, that's why I'm knocking.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Lettuce"
"Lettuce who?"
"Let us in, we're freezing!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Freeze!"
"Freeze who?
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, for he's..."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Snow"
"Snow who?"
"Snowbody but me!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Stan"
"Stan who?"
"Stand back, I think I'm going to sneeze!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Olive"
"Olive who?
"Olive you, darling!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Dwayne"
"Dwayne who?
"Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning!"
Knock Knock

Who's there?
"Avenue"
"Avenue who?
"Avenue heard this joke before?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Ivan"
"Ivan who?
"Ivan workin on the railroad..."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Italian"
"Italian who?
"Italian you for the last time, open up!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Samoa"
"Samoa who?
"Samoa these bad jokes and I'm gone!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Goliath"
"Goliath who?
"Goliath down, you looketh tired."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Keith"
"Keith who?
"Keith me, thweet heart!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Arthur"
"Arthur who?
"Arthur more jokes here?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Butter"
"Butter who?"
"Butter up, I'm throwing a fast ball."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Candy"
"Candy who?"
"Can Dee come out and play?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Ashley"
"Ashley who?
"Ashley (actually!), I don't know."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Adolph"
"Adolph who?
"Adolph ball hit me in de mowf."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Midas"
"Midas who?
"Midas well let me in."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Butter"
"Butter who?"
"I butter not tell you."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Alltell"
"Alltell who?
"Alltell mom if you don't let me in."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Sadie"
"Sadie who?
"Sadie magic words and I'll tell you."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Canary"
"Canary who?"
"Can Ari come out and play?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Dozen Olgo"
"Dozen Olgo who?"
"yes, an owl goes whoo."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Wayne"
"Wayne who?
"Wayne, Wayne, go away, come again another day"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Atunna"
"Atunna who?"
"A ton a trouble if you don't let me in."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Irish"
"Irish who?
"Irish you would let me in."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Nunya"
"Nunya who?
"Nunya business."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Jamaica"
"Jamaica who?
"Jamaica good grade on the test?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Cowsgo"
"Cowsgo who?"
"No they don't! Cows go moo."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Butcher"
"Butcher who?
"Butcher arms around me."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Panther"
"Panther who?
"Panther no panths, I'm going thwimming!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Ewe"
"Ewe who?"
"Who? Me? What do you want?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Frigate
"Frigate who?"
"awe forget about it you would not understand."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Lucy"
"Lucy who?
"Lucy Lastic lets your pants fall down."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Patty O."
"Patty O. who?"
"Patty O'furniture"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Iam"
"Iam who?"
"Sorry, I don't know who you are."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Yaw"
"Yaw who?"
"Why are you so excited?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Holden who?"
"Hold on, I'll go see."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Justin"
"Justin who?
"Justin time for dinner!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Bugspray"
"Bugspray who?"
"Bugs pray that snakes won't eat them!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Oliver"
"Oliver who?
"Oliver you there are bugs!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Disease"
"Disease who?"
"Disease pants fit you?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Pikachu"
"Pikachu who?"
"Peek at you, why would I do that?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Peek Ash"
"Peek Ash who?"
"Pikachu, I choose you!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Thumping"
"Thumping who?
"Thumping slimy is on your leg."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Jess"
"Jess who?
"Jess me, open the door."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Steel"
"Steel who?"
"I'm steel waiting for you to open the door."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Juana"
"Juana who?
"Juana come out and play?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Ima"
"Ima who?
"Ima commin in, so open up."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Anita"
"Anita who?
"Anita ride to school."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"I.D. Man"
"I.D. Man who?"
"I demand you let me in!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Offer"
"Offer who?
"Offer got my key, let me in!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Tank"
"Tank who?"
"You're welcome!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Spell"
"Spell who?"
"W...H...O!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Toby"
"Toby who?"
"To be, or not to be. That is the question!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Kip"
"Kip who?"
"Keep your hands off of me!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Your mom"
"Your mom who?"
"You don't know who your mom is?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Cantalope"
"Cantalope who?"
"Can't elope tonight, I forgot the ladder."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Oswald"
"Oswald who?
"Oswald my gum!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Water"
"Water who?"
"What are you doing?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Justin"
"Justin who?
"Justin the neighborhood and thought I'd say hello!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Dewey"
"Dewey who?
"Dewey have to listen to all this knocking!"

Product Packaging Gaffes

Mainly because of American laws and trigger-happy suers, dumbness has become part and parcel of product packaging. It's not just "Small parts - not for children under the age of 3 yrs" anymore. It has come to this:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boots Children's Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Marketing Slogans in India

1) Sign on a railway station at Patna:
Aana free, jaana free, pakde gaye to khana free.

2) Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!

3) Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives.

4)Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
We need your heads to run our business.

5)A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough, or else they never will be.....

6)Sign in a restaurant:
All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager.

THE BEST ONE :
7) Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations such as Jaish, Lashkar etc. Its our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and God.

Ads I Love: Breast Cancer Society of Canada

0 mts 30 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

Some people may find this commercial offensive and/or sexist, but I think it is highly effective. A guy offers his services to examine your breasts for lumps and cysts.

VIDEO: Meet Your Meat

PETA's propaganda video Meet Your Meat to promote vegetarianism.

12 mts 49 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

VIDEO: Bugging You

And here's the Minnie Riperton original:
3 mts 21 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

A collaborative essay

From the class of an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.


(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

(Gary)
Bitch

(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)
*A+ - I really liked this one.*

DOC: The $2000 Car

The Tatas of India are coming up with a brand new $2000 car. The GMs and Fords of the world are watching with bated breath.

Click here to read

VIDEO: What Men and Women Fight About

1 mts 01 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

0 mts 22 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

Escalator Angel

"Live in such a way that those who know you but don't know God will come to know God because they know you." - Anonymous

The crisp February morning chilled the crowd that waited to catch the MARTA, Atlanta's public rail system. When the train arrived, I moved with the others toward vacant seats. Mechanical sounds punctuated the trip: the humming of electric motors and the loud bell before the doors slid shut.

As we settled into our parallel journeys, I looked around. I work at home, and consequently don't often take public transit at rush hour. This morning I was on my way into the city for a seminar. The size and diversity of the crowd on the train surprised me. In our single car, there were African-Americans, European-Americans and Asians -- a generous representation of world society.

But there was no interaction. Business men and women had their briefcases open, poring over papers filled with charts and columns. Casually dressed students studied books. One young man had headphones on and swayed in a slow dance to his private music. I'm a fiction man, myself. I travel with a novel handy.

But today I didn't open it. I was too busy studying those around me; something felt strange.

I didn't realize what it was until I'd disembarked at Five Points, the connecting point for the east and west trains. In this cavernous space, I joined perhaps a thousand commuters waiting for their trains.

Here I realized what was so eerie: the total silence. One thousand people, packed cheek to jowl, looking straight ahead, pretending the others didn't exist. And I, a 50-year-old white man, wearing a blue suit and glasses, was one of them. The only sound two stories under Atlanta's streets was the hum of the escalators.

And then came a woman's voice. "Good Morning!"

The greeting echoed through the station. A thousand heads snapped up in unison, scanning the space. The voice had come from a woman riding the descending escalator on the far side of the platform. "How y'all this morning?"

She practically sang her words, punctuating her speech with long vowel extensions. People began to turn toward her.

The petite African-American woman reached the bottom of the escalator and walked purposefully to the edge of the throng. She grabbed a surprised businessman's hand, shook it and looked him in the eye. "Good morning! How ya doing this morning?"

The man looked at the small woman who had him in her grip. He broke with a smile. "Fine, thank you."

Her clothes were a little ragged, but her purposeful smile overcame her stature and appearance as she moved through the crowd, shouting greetings, shaking hands and laughing freely. Finally, she looked across the tracks at the crowd on my side of the platform. "How ya'll folks over there this morning?"

"Just fine" I shouted back. Others answered with me. We surprised each other so much that we broke out laughing.

"That's good," she said. She paused and looked around. Now everyone was listening. "God sent me here to cheer you up this morning. And that's the God of the Jew, the Christian, the Muslim and any other religions ya'll brought or didn't bring along."

From where I stood, I could see a twinkle in her eye. Amazingly, the train station came alive with good-natured conversation. As we chatted with each other, few noticed the slight woman quietly ascend the up escalator.

When the northbound train arrived, I squeezed into a car already stuffed with riders. I didn't get much past the door and grabbed a chrome pole that already had hands of every racial color gripping it. My face looked straight into that of an African-American woman about my age. She wore a light yellow business suit. I sensed she didn't like the press of people around us.

Before I could stop myself, I said, "Good morning."

"What?" she seemed surpised.

"Good morning. How are you doing?" A few people watched us. A smile overtook her. "Fine," she chuckled. "You know, nobody's asked me that this morning. Really, nobody ever says hello."

I grinned and told her about the unexpected visitor back at Five Points, wondering aloud if she might have been an angel. "Isn't that what angels do? They're messengers. That woman demonstated the goodness of simply greeting each other, sharing our humanity, instead of guarding it."

Others around the pole joined the discussion, and smiles spread through the car.

The woman across from me, now grinning, said "If It weren't so crowded in here, I'd give you a good hug. You've made my morning."

When the train arrived at my stop, I moved toward the door. "I hope you have a good day!" I called back to my fellow traveler.

"I will, and thank you."

As I looked back into the car, I saw lots of smiles. People were chatting. Someone else touched my shoulder and waved goodbye. I felt happy and alive.

Since then, I've often wondered who that woman was. She didn't have wings; she ascended and descended an escalator and she spoke in a Southern drawl. But silent people who were temporarily buried two stories below Atlanta began to talk and laugh. A chilly February day felt warmer, and a shy guy like me suddenly hasn't been able to keep himself from greeting and talking with strangers on subway trains, elevators and airplanes. But isn't that what a more famous angelic message proclaimed: "Good will to all"?

VIDEO: Dan Nainan Leaves Seattle in Splits

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Stand-up comedian Dan Nainan performs at Moore Theater in Seattle

So, why did the chicken cross the road?

The responses of Indian personalities when posed the eternal question:

Atal Behari Vajpayee : "Chicken ?" (3 minute pause) "Let me compose An Ode to a Chicken in my shudh Hindi... "

Fernandes:"I am deeply hurt that this question is being asked after my 40 clean years of public life. I don't own a house, or a car, leave alone a chicken !!!"

Mulayam:"I demand a 50% reservation of the road for the chicken class, so that they can cross the road freely without their motives being questioned"

Abdul Kalam:"Yes, why did the chicken cross the road? ... please tell me why? .. they crossed to go to the other side of the road... now repeat after me ...."

Advani: "I see the hands of Pakistan in this ..."

Bal Thackarey: "Chickens crossing the roads is against our culture, my followers (gundas) will stone all such chickens which cross the road".

Jayalalitha:"From a reliable source I've got the information that the chicken belongs to Karunanidhi who made his chicken cross the road to create law & order problems. The chicken is now imprisoned under POTO".

Mamta Baneerji:"I'm made Union Railbay minstaar, I bill shee that chickans will trable by train... no cross road anymoore!".

A.K Antony:"Zimmmmply! ...that's a question you should ask Karunakuran..Heee, heee."

Amitabh Bhachan:"The chicken has crossed the road?.. are you sure.. very sure ... really sure..."

Sonia Ghandhi:"That the chicken crossed the road clearly demonstrates the fact that the people and chicken have lost confidence in the Government. The Government should own moral responsibility and resign!!!"

Narendra Modi: "I called out the army and have brought the chicken crossing incidents under control within 72 hours. The media is blowing it out of proportion."

Ekta Kapoor: "The chicken krossed the road 'kause "k"it kould "k"not "k"tolerate "k"her "k"saas's "k"torture."

Mukesh & Anil Ambani: "Though the chicken moved forward it was a right step in backward integration. Reliance shareholders will will get a 1:5 egg bonus."

Maneka Gandhi:"Chicken crossed the road alone...!! If a vehicle had passed over it, we would have lost one of our dearest creatures. Ban all vehicles from using the road. Protect Our Chickens..."

Salman Khan:"I ran over the chicken(Hic!). t was not intentional ... It was accidental (Hic!)... you're now asking this question to me only because I'm a celebrity(Hic!)".

Abu Salem:"Hmmm delicious chicken... Monica darling want a bite ...now what was that question!?"

Sachin Tendulkar: "I will let my bat do the talking. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go for another ad shoot."

Saurav Ganguly: "Nowhere is it written in our BCCI contract that we have to answer such questions. I will take this issue up with the players' association."

Sri Sri Ravi Shanker: "The answer lies within you. Seek it. Your insecurities and anxieties prevent you understanding simple actions like a chicken crossing the road. Please sign up for my Art of Living course for Rs 5000 and everything will become clear."

Azharuddin:"I am totally innocent, you know, I'm unnecessarily being dragged into this, you know, because I'm from the minority..... I neither know the chicken nor the road, you know...."

Deve Gowda:"zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....mmmm...mm... chicken ??? Thanks, I'll have it later !! mm.. snooore... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

Do you know the meaning of tenjewberrymuds?

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You willunderstandwhat 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest androom-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East EconomicReview:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wansahntoes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin webodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it!

You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin webodderon sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

VIDEO: How to Open Beer

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VIDEO: A Little Teamwork

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I was looking for a specific video on teamwork when I came across this hilarious clip. Enjoy!

Chances of a Man Winning an Argument

UPDATE: Received again June 12, 2006

VIDEO: Candid Camera - Belgian Style

1 mts 16 secs

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GAME: Help the drunk get home

Help the drunk get home. He tends to stumble, fall and sleep. Use your mouse to keep him balanced long enough to reach home. Let's see what's your personal record.

VIDEO: Jana Gana Mana

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Bharatbala's music video with A.R.Rahman's rendition of Jana Gana Mana. While the lyrics are largely the same, don't mistake this for the official national anthem of India; the national anthem has a specified play duration of 52 secs, and this video is obviously much longer.

Jana-Gana-Mana-Adhinayaka, Jaya He
Bharata-Bhagya-Vidhata
Punjab-Sindhu-Gujarata-Maratha
Dravida-Utkala-Banga
Vindhya-Himachala-Yamuna-Ganga
Uchchhala-Jaladhi Taranga
Tava Subha Name Jage
Tava Subha Ashisa Mage
Gahe Tava Jaya Gatha.
Jana-Gana-Mangala Dayaka, Jaya He
Bharata-Bhagya-Vidhata,
Jaya He, Jaya He, Jaya He,
Jaya Jaya Jaya, Jaya He


(Thou art the ruler of the minds of all people,
dispenser of India's destiny.
Thy name rouses the hearts of Punjab, Sindh, Gujarat, the Maratha country,
in the Dravida country, Utkala (Orissa) and Banga (Bengal);
It echoes in the hills of the Vindhyas and Himalayas,
it mingles in the rhapsodies of the pure waters Jamuna and the Ganges.
They chant only thy name,
they seek only thy blessings,
They sing only thy praise.
The saving of all people waits in thy hand,
thou dispenser of India's destiny.
Victory, victory, victory to thee.)

VIDEO: Presidential Sex (George Bush Sr. on Ronald Reagan)

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George Bush (Sr.) speaking of Ronald Reagan, "A word about the President: For seven and a half years I've worked alongside him, an I'm proud to have been his partner. And we've had triumphs, we made some mistakes, we've had some sex...er, setbacks"

The Courageous CFO

A CEO (and member of Forbes 400!) throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can start by telling me who the hell pushed me in that pool!!"

AUDIO: Bush and the new premier of China (Who's Hu?)

2 mts 16 secs

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VIDEO: Pehchaan (Identity)

6 mts 30 secs

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Kansas University Clultural India Club's Diwali presentation set to the title song from Swades.

Pakistan Maths Question Paper

Examination Paper - Mathematics
Full Marks 100

Instructions:
i) Students found copying will be shot on the spot.
ii) Any student coming late after 10 minutes after the exam starts will be forced to join Al Qayda group .
iii) AK47's and grenades are not allowed in the exam hall. Students may keep their daggers,Revolvers and pack of anthrax bombs only for self defense.
iv) Time 3 hours
v) All questions are compulsory.

1. Abdul was sent to jail for murder .He has 7 wives in his house.
Abdul distributed money to his wives in such a proportion that the youngest and most recent wife receives maximum and oldest wife gets minimum, and each wife gets double of her former competitor. Abdul has 1700 Rupaye left in his house. Abdul's oldest wife needs atleast 25 rupaye per month. Find out the time when Abdul will have to break Jail to come out and earn money so that his wives do not starve.

2. Karim is a Drug seller. Prices per gram of Marijuana, hasis, haroine and LHD s are 50, 60,70,80 Rupaye respectively. Karim offers a discount of Rupaye 20 for his buyers who buys more than 50 grams of drug. If Rahim , a buyer gets Rupaye 37 discount , find out the grams of LHD he bought.

3. Imran tampers the ball thrice per over. He deforms the ball .02% of its original shape each time . Find the percentage deformation the ball due to tampering in a one day series against India in which Imran bowled 9.3 overs.

4. Mohammed has a Company named Al Allah Kidnapping & Murder Private Limited. He has to threat 10 people per day over Telephone. 40% of the people he threats are cinema stars in Mumbai, 30% are Businessman in Delhi, 20% are Cricket Players in Madras and 10% are shopkeepres in Calcutta . If ISD charges are rupaye 15, 25, 40, 50 per minute from Mohammed's city Islamabad to Bombay, Delhi,Calcutta and Madras respectively and he gets a Telephone bill of 10,230 Rupaya in a month Find out The No of Cinema stars in Mumbai ,threatened in that particular month.

5. A terrorist group has to provide one Ak 47.one AK 49,one Rocket Launcher, 50 Grenades and one pack of RDX to its Ron roots for training.One AK 47 costs 100$; One Ak 49 costs 150 $,A Bazuka rocket Launcher costs 250 $ , grenade is 3 $ each, a pack of Rdx Bomb attached with remote Control is 500 $. The terrorist group admits 2000 new people every year out of which 30 % are court-martialed. Find the amt of Foreign Money Pakistan Govt has to provide each year to run such a group.

6. If stabilty of democratic Govt. in pakistan is given by the following equation X exp3 +X exp2 -16 = i, where the notations have their usual meaning; Find out x.

7. Probaliblity of a Pakistani prime minister to be shot is 78%. Probabilty of a Military general to be shot is 80%. Find the joint probability of a Prime minister to be shot who is also a Military general.

8) Find out geometrically the area of Paktunistaan using PI Theorem with Osama BIn Ladens Correction (That is taking the value of PI = 786 instead of 3.14....), if Paktunistaan is taken as a heptagon.

9) A 'GHAURI' missile tries to fly from Drass to Kargil which is not too far from Drass (say 100 miles) and is exactly to the East of Drass . The wind is blowing from the South and the speed of the wind is exactly equal to the speed of the airplane. (The speed of the airplane is measured with respect to the air!) The pilot decides to steer straight to Kargil all the time during the flight. Will the airplane ever reach Kargil ? What if the speed of the wind is k times the speed of the airplane, where k is a positive number (can be greater or less than 1)? Try to sketch the trajectory of the airplane (with respect to the ground, of course) in each of the three cases: k=1, k1 and k<1.

10) Briefly discuss the Unsolved problem of "Bisection of a Triangle" with a Compass and an unmarked ruler if the triangle is named as KASHMIR.

The Chemistry of Trust

A person's level of trust can be changed with a chemical spray

SUSPICION and trust are two sides of the same coin. Over the course of evolution, humans and other animals have walked a line between the need for self-preservation and the benefits and delights of social co-operation. When a swarthy man beckons you into a dimly lit alley, you would do well to walk briskly away, but in reality you might be losing an opportunity to discover a delightful but out-of-the-way little restaurant.

A paper in this week's Nature, by Michael Kosfeld and Markus Heinrichs of the University of Zurich and their colleagues, explores the biological underpinnings of trust in such interactions. The researchers found that trust is surprisingly mechanistic: sniffing a spray containing a hormone called oxytocin increases a person's level of trust in others.

Oxytocin, a hormone produced by part of the brain called the hypothalamus, plays many roles. It stimulates contractions during childbirth and, once a child is born, helps to release milk when its mother feeds it. In some species, notably voles, it has been shown to regulate behaviours such as pair bonding, maternal care and the ease with which an animal will approach a stranger. Dr Kosfeld and Dr Heinrichs therefore had good reason to suspect that it plays a role in trust. They also knew from the work of others that hormones consisting of protein fragments known as peptides can cross into the brain if administered as a nasal spray. Oxytocin is one such peptide.

To probe oxytocin's role in promoting trust between people, the researchers invented a game. This game involved an “investor” and an anonymous “trustee” in whom money, in the form of “monetary units” worth 40 Swiss centimes (32 cents) was invested. Investor and trustee never met, and were allowed to interact only once. In addition to being paid for their time, participants were able to cash their monetary units in at the end of the game, in order to get the proper economic juices flowing. Each investor received 12 units. He could choose to keep all of them, or to give four, eight or all 12 of them to the trustee—which would result in their value being tripled. The trustee then chose whether to reward or abuse the investor's trust by sharing a portion of the proceeds with him.

All the investors and all the trustees had something sprayed up their noses before the experiment started. In some cases, though, there was no oxytocin in this spray. Of the investors who were sprayed with oxytocin, 45% invested the maximum of 12 units, while only 21% of those who received the control spray did so. On average, the oxytocin-sprayed group transferred 17% more money to their trustees than the controls. Oxytocin, therefore, seems to promote trust.

The proof that it is trust that is being promoted, rather than a general bonhomie towards others, or a reduced aversion to risk, comes in two parts. The first is the response of the trustees. These people did not, as some might expect, simply take the money and run. The investors usually got something back, albeit less than half of the trebled amount. But the sum returned did not depend on whether there was oxytocin in the spray a trustee had sniffed—as it might have been expected to if oxytocin promoted generally sociable behaviour, rather than trust specifically.

The second piece of proof that oxytocin is “trust-specific” came when the investors were told that a computer rather than a human trustee would be on the other end of the transaction, and that the amount returned would be decided at random. In this set-up, the oxytocin-sprayed group and the control group invested equal amounts. The researchers thus concluded that oxytocin was not simply lowering a person's risk aversion.

Besides helping to unravel the biological basis of an important emotion, Dr Kosfeld and Dr Heinrichs also raise questions about some of the fundamentals of economics. Studies like these are beginning to shed light on the extent to which humans actually resemble Homo economicus, the proverbial rational economic agent. This particular case raises the possibility that those with different hereditary propensities to produce oxytocin, or different sensitivities towards it, might reach different conclusions when presented with similar economic decisions.

While acknowledging that these results could be put to nefarious use to “induce trusting behaviours that selfish actors subsequently exploit”, the authors hope their findings will instead be used to treat mental disorders such as extreme social phobia. Nevertheless, untrusting readers might beware of strange odours or mysterious vapours in the boardroom.