Merry Christmas

Santa and his reindeer bring Christmas cheer!

Some party jokes

A father was passing by his son's fraternity house late one night when he decided to drop in. He knocked on the front door and a young man replied, What do you want?

Does Tommy Norris live here? the father asked.

Yup, the man said. Just leave him on the front porch as usual.

---------------------------------------------

A church janitor was sweeping the altar when a priest said, "I really have to go to the bathroom. Could you sit in the confessional for a few minutes? Just tell whomever comes in to do 10 Hail Marys as penance."

The janitor did as the priest asked and the first confessor was a woman who said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I performed oral sex on a man."

The janitor was shocked. He didn't think that 10 Hail Marys would be nearly enough punishment, so he stuck his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy who was passing by, "What does the priest give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "A candy bar or a soda."

---------------------------------------------

A man told his doctor that his wife hadn't had sex with him in seven months. The physician told the man to bring his wife to the office for a private talk. When the wife arrived, the doctor asked about her libido. Well, doctor, she replied, the truth is that I take a cab to work every morning, and the cabbie always asks me, "So are you going to pay today or what?" We don't have much money, so I always give him an "or what". That makes me late for work, and my boss asks me, "So are we going to dock your salary or what?" I always give him the "or what." By the time I get home, I don't feel like having sex anymore.

Hmm, the doctor said. I see. So are we going to tell your husband about your problem or what?

---------------------------------------------

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He cornered a monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion."

Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified deer stammered, "You are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Annoyed, the elephant picked up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree and stomped on him. As he hobbled away, the lion said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to make such a big deal about it."

---------------------------------------------

A king suspected that his wife was being unfaithful to him, so he taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight."

He replied, "It wath nothing your magethy."

---------------------------------------------

Two dogs were sitting in the waiting room at a vet's office. One dog said to the other, What are you here for?

The dog replied, Well, I live in this house with a six-year-old boy who is constantly pulling on my ears. One day I just had enough and bit the little shit. So his parents are having me put to sleep. What are you here for?

The first dog answered, I live with this 28-year-old lady that has a killer body. She never wears clothes around the house. One day she was bending over cleaning the bathtub and I couldn't resist. I jumped up and did her.

The other dog asked, Is she putting you to sleep for that?

He replied, No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed.

---------------------------------------------

A man and his wife were having sex. 15 minutes passed, then 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat was pouring off their bodies. The wife finally opened her eyes and said, What's the matter, darling. Can't you think of anyone else either?

---------------------------------------------

A man and his wife were watching a boxing match on TV. After the knockout, the husband said, That sucks. It was over in three minutes.

His wife replied, Now you know how I feel.

---------------------------------------------

Pfizer and Pepsi Cola have decided to jointly market a Viagra - laced beverage. It will be called Mount and Do, and its ad slogan will be, "Pour Yourself a Stiff One."

---------------------------------------------

Son kills butterfly....dad says no butter for 2 weeks
Son kills honeybee....dad says no honey for 2 weeks
Mom kills cockroach....son says "dad will you tell her or should I?"

---------------------------------------------

A man standing in the back of a crowded hotel elevator shouted out, "Ballroom, please."

The woman in front of him turned around and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was crowding you."

---------------------------------------------

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?

Well, the vet said, let me have a look at him.

The doctor picked the dog up and examined his eyes. Finally, he said, I'm going to have to put him down.

But why? the man said. Just because he's cross-eyed?

No, the vet replied. Because he's really heavy.

---------------------------------------------

A woman suffering from chronic headaches visited a new age doctor. He advised, When you feel a headache coming on, stare at yourself in a mirror and say, "I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache." I guarantee you will be cured of your ailment right away.

The woman left the doctor's office. In the elevator, her head began to throb. She noticed that the elevator had mirrored walls. She looked at herself and repeated the mantra. Her headache immediately disappeared.

Elated, she ran back into the doctor's office. It worked, she said. You're a genius. I must send my husband to see you. We haven't had sex in months.

A few days later, her husband visited the doctor. When he returned home, he headed straight to the bathroom and locked the door. A few minutes later, he emerged and made passionate love to his wife. When they finished, he returned to the bathroom and shut the door. Ten minutes later, he came out and they had sex again. When he locked himself in the bathroom a third time, the curious wife peeked through the keyhole.

Her husband was staring at himself in the mirror, repeating, "That woman is not my wife. That woman is not my wife."

---------------------------------------------

Stressed out by city living, a man quit his job and bought a cabin in the woods. His closest neighbor was four miles away. One night he was finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. "I'm your neighbor," the man said. "I'm having a party Saturday and thought you'd like to come."

"I'd love to," the man said.

"Gotta warn you though," the neighbor said. "There's gonna be a lot of drinking."

"I can drink with the best of them," the man said.

"More than likely gonna be some fighting too," the neighbor said.

"I'll just stay out of the way," the man said.

"Last time I had a party, there was some screwing too," the neighbor said.

"Now that's not a problem," the man said. "I've been alone for six months. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want," the neighbor said. "Just gonna be the two of us."

---------------------------------------------

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

---------------------------------------------

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the
adi: the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

---------------------------------------------

Mother Vampire to Daughter Vampire when she sees her taking a used tampon: No young lady, no in-between meal snacks!

---------------------------------------------

A blonde walked up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket. The ticket agent asked, Where to?

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, Duuuuuh, back here

---------------------------------------------

I don’t love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.

Beautiful, Peaceful Places

The Mekong River
Fishing boats float in the Mekong River with Luang Prabang, Laos, in the distance.


Ephesus, Turkey
Visitors walk along Curetes Street to explore the ruins of the ancient city of Ephesus, on Turkey's western coast. "In all its classical beauty, Ephesus looks important," says writer James Morgan ("Lost in Time," Traveler October 2004). "You can glance at a cobblestone and imagine it being touched by any of the passing personages there, from King Croesus to Alexander the Great."


Bodrum, Turkey
Writer James Morgan ("Lost in Time," Traveler October 2004) sails in the waters off Bodrum, a bustling port on Turkey's southwestern coast, aboard the 69-foot Kalyeta, a traditional two-masted rig known as a gulet.


Tersane, Turkey
Çaydanliks (Turkish tea pots) line the windowsill of a home on Tersane, the largest island in the Gulf of Fethiye.


Dalyan River, Turkey
A water taxi ferries passengers up the Dalyan River in southwestern Turkey toward funerary rock tombs that resemble the porticoes of small Ionic temples.


Hobart, Tasmania
The vibrant blue-and-black façade of the Tasmanian Symphony Orchestra's rehearsal studios brightens historic downtown Hobart.


Freycinet National Park, Tasmania
Visitors watch the sun rise over Wineglass Bay from a wooden walkway around the base of Cape Tourville Lighthouse.


Cradle Mountain—Lake St. Clair National Park, Tasmania
Heavy fog hangs low over indigenous eucalyptus trees. "Tasmania could be the set for the next J.R.R. Tolkien film, with its mist, rain, rolling hills, bogs, and thick forests," says photographer Kris LeBoutillier.


Ocean Beach, Tasmania
Surfers eat breakfast on Ocean Beach, a pristine 30-mile stretch of sand on Tasmania's western coast. "Their van was amazing," says photographer Kris Leboutillier. "It was kitted out with a folding flat screen television, DVD player, refrigerator, and stereo, all powered by a big marine battery."


Riga, Latvia
A family cuddles on Jurmala Beach, 14 miles outside of Riga, Latvia's capital. "A storm was rolling in, and soon after this photograph was taken, an afternoon-long downpour hit," says photographer Alexandra Avakian. "Weather changes very quickly in Latvia."


Riga, Latvia
His canvas illuminated by an overhead projector, artist Andris Vitolins paints at midnight in the old Soviet-era Artists Union Building.


Riga, Latvia
Designed by Mikhail Einstein, this residential and commercial building on Elizabetes Street is one of the most striking examples of art nouveau (Jugendstil) architecture in Riga's Old Town.


Luang Prabang, Laos
Young girls bike through the intersection of Sisavang Vong and Kitsarath Sethanthirath. The main street of Sisavang Vong is named after the former king of Laos, who ruled for 54 years starting in 1904.


The Mekong River
A child does homework on the banks of the Mekong River, which forms the border between Burma and Thailand, as others play on the boulders that dot the shoreline.


The Mekong River
At sunset, a young boy waters crops on the banks of the Mekong River, which forms the border between Burma and Thailand

AUDIO: Paul Graham on his book Hackers & Painters

30 mts 49 secs
41 mts 26 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

Meet the Parents

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me a condom. I'm going to my girlfriend's home for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too".

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving, he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move."

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us."

A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness."

Ten minutes gone by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

VIDEO: Amazing nature of Mother Nature

0 mts 24 secs
Corona

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

0 mts 57 secs
Noctiluminescent storm gathering in Talkeetna

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

VIDEO: Passport Photo

0 mts 45 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

Coincidence?

YEAR 1981

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes

4. Pope died.

YEAR 2005

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes

4. Pope died.

The next time Charles decides to marry, warn the pope!!

Philosophy and Courage

Legend has it that in 1987, a philosophy professor at Oxford University asked this question worth 50 points:
Question: What is courage?

A question assigned so many points would normally require an eight page essay answer backed up with source material, quotes and analytical reasoning. The answer written by the #1 ranked student:

Answer: This is courage.

Beer, insect and reactions

Event : An insect falls into a mug of beer...

Reactions:

Englishman:
Throws his mug away and walks out

American:
Takes the insect out and drinks the beer

Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the beer away

Japanese:
Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free

Indian:
Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new
mug of beer.

Pakistani:
-Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer
-Relates the issue to Kashmir
-Asks the Chinese for Military aid
-Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer

VIDEO: Trippy Mirror

VIDEO: Ogilvy film on Romania

0 mts 45 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

What's there not to love about Romania? Nothing, when Ogilvy & Mather is telling the story.

VIDEO: Mastercard Spoof - Indecent Proposal

1 mt 17 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

Ridiculously funny take on Mastercard's "priceless" campaign. Don't miss it!

A few knock, knock jokes

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Alaska who?"
"Alaska one more time, then jokes start over."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Orange"
"Orange who?
"Orange you glad you asked?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Howie"
"Howie who?
"Howie going to figure this out?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Champ"
"Champ who?
"Champ poo your hair, it's dirty."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Boo"
"Boo who?"
"Don't cry about it."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Les"
"Les who?
"Les hear another knock knock joke."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Atch"
"Atch who?"
"That's a bad sneeze you got there."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Shelby"
"Shelby who?
"Shelby commin' round the mountain when she comes.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Vera"
"Vera who?
"Vera few people think these jokes are funny."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Andy"
"Andy who?"
"And he bit me again!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Amos"
"Amos who?"
"A mosquito bit me."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Radio"
"Radio who?
"Radio not, here I come!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Llama"
"Llama who?
"Llama yankee doodle dandy."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Ammonia"
"Ammonia who?
"Ammonia trying to be funny."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Mary Lee"
"Mary Lee who?
"Mary Lee, Mary Lee, life is but a dream. Row, Row...."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Statue"
"Statue who?
"Statue that laughed a minute ago?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Anna"
"Anna who?
"Anna body know some more jokes?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Tarzan"
"Tarzan who?
"Tarzan stripes forever."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Albie"
"Albie who?
"Albie darn, a funny joke!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Wendy"
"Wendy who?
"Wendy last time you took a bath?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Canoe"
"Canoe who?
"Canoe tell me some knock knock jokes?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Howard"
"Howard who?
"Howard was the math test today?"
]
Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Sarah"
"Sarah who?
"Sarah reason you're not laughing?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Cargo"
"Cargo who?
"Cargo beep beep, varoom."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Winnie"
"Winnie who?
"Winnie is good, he is very very good."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Althea"
"Althea who?"
"Althea later, Alligator!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Noah"
"Noah who?
"Noah good place to find more jokes?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Frasier"
"Frasier who?
"Frasier joke isn't very funny?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Little old lady"
"Little old lady who?"
"Where did you learn to yodel?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Amanda"
"Amanda who?
"Amanda fix the refrigerator is here."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Waiter"
"Waiter who?"
"Wait, her dress is unbuttoned."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Dismay"
"Dismay who?
"Dismay not be a funny joke."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Sam and Janet"
"Sam and Janet who?
"Sam and Janet evening, you will meet a stranger...."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Mister"
"Mister who?"
"Sorry I mister name, what is it again?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Alison"
"Alison who?
"Alison to you after you listen to me."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Isabel"
"Isabel who?
"Isabel out of order? I had to knock."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Olive"
"Olive who?
"Olive right next door to you."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Wade"
"Wade who?
"Wade down upon the Swanee River."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Dawn"
"Dawn who?
"Dawn by the station, early in the morning."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Luke"
"Luke who?
"Luke out! Here's another knock knock joke."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Owl"
"Owl who?
"Owl tell you another knock knock joke."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Police"
"Police who?
"Police tell me some knock knock jokes."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Heaven"
"Heaven who?
"Heaven you heard enough knock knock jokes?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Ken"
"Ken who?
"Ken you tell me some good knock knock jokes?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Fanny"
"Fanny who?"
"These jokes aren't very fanny."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Celeste"
"Celeste who?
"Celeste time I'm telling you, open up."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Will"
"Will who?
"Will you let me in, its cold out here."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Max"
"Max who?
"Max no difference to you, just let me in."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Beef"
"Beef who?"
"Beefor I get mad you better let me in."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Harry"
"Harry who?
"Harry up and answer the door."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Doris"
"Doris who?"
"The Doris locked, that's why I'm knocking.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Lettuce"
"Lettuce who?"
"Let us in, we're freezing!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Freeze!"
"Freeze who?
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, for he's..."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Snow"
"Snow who?"
"Snowbody but me!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Stan"
"Stan who?"
"Stand back, I think I'm going to sneeze!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Olive"
"Olive who?
"Olive you, darling!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Dwayne"
"Dwayne who?
"Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning!"
Knock Knock

Who's there?
"Avenue"
"Avenue who?
"Avenue heard this joke before?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Ivan"
"Ivan who?
"Ivan workin on the railroad..."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Italian"
"Italian who?
"Italian you for the last time, open up!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Samoa"
"Samoa who?
"Samoa these bad jokes and I'm gone!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Goliath"
"Goliath who?
"Goliath down, you looketh tired."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Keith"
"Keith who?
"Keith me, thweet heart!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Arthur"
"Arthur who?
"Arthur more jokes here?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Butter"
"Butter who?"
"Butter up, I'm throwing a fast ball."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Candy"
"Candy who?"
"Can Dee come out and play?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Ashley"
"Ashley who?
"Ashley (actually!), I don't know."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Adolph"
"Adolph who?
"Adolph ball hit me in de mowf."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Midas"
"Midas who?
"Midas well let me in."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Butter"
"Butter who?"
"I butter not tell you."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Alltell"
"Alltell who?
"Alltell mom if you don't let me in."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Sadie"
"Sadie who?
"Sadie magic words and I'll tell you."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Canary"
"Canary who?"
"Can Ari come out and play?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Dozen Olgo"
"Dozen Olgo who?"
"yes, an owl goes whoo."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Wayne"
"Wayne who?
"Wayne, Wayne, go away, come again another day"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Atunna"
"Atunna who?"
"A ton a trouble if you don't let me in."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Irish"
"Irish who?
"Irish you would let me in."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Nunya"
"Nunya who?
"Nunya business."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Jamaica"
"Jamaica who?
"Jamaica good grade on the test?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Cowsgo"
"Cowsgo who?"
"No they don't! Cows go moo."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Butcher"
"Butcher who?
"Butcher arms around me."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Panther"
"Panther who?
"Panther no panths, I'm going thwimming!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Ewe"
"Ewe who?"
"Who? Me? What do you want?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Frigate
"Frigate who?"
"awe forget about it you would not understand."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Lucy"
"Lucy who?
"Lucy Lastic lets your pants fall down."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Patty O."
"Patty O. who?"
"Patty O'furniture"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Iam"
"Iam who?"
"Sorry, I don't know who you are."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Yaw"
"Yaw who?"
"Why are you so excited?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Holden who?"
"Hold on, I'll go see."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Justin"
"Justin who?
"Justin time for dinner!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Bugspray"
"Bugspray who?"
"Bugs pray that snakes won't eat them!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Oliver"
"Oliver who?
"Oliver you there are bugs!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Disease"
"Disease who?"
"Disease pants fit you?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Pikachu"
"Pikachu who?"
"Peek at you, why would I do that?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Peek Ash"
"Peek Ash who?"
"Pikachu, I choose you!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Thumping"
"Thumping who?
"Thumping slimy is on your leg."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Jess"
"Jess who?
"Jess me, open the door."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Steel"
"Steel who?"
"I'm steel waiting for you to open the door."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Juana"
"Juana who?
"Juana come out and play?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Ima"
"Ima who?
"Ima commin in, so open up."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Anita"
"Anita who?
"Anita ride to school."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"I.D. Man"
"I.D. Man who?"
"I demand you let me in!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Offer"
"Offer who?
"Offer got my key, let me in!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Tank"
"Tank who?"
"You're welcome!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Spell"
"Spell who?"
"W...H...O!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Toby"
"Toby who?"
"To be, or not to be. That is the question!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Kip"
"Kip who?"
"Keep your hands off of me!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Your mom"
"Your mom who?"
"You don't know who your mom is?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Cantalope"
"Cantalope who?"
"Can't elope tonight, I forgot the ladder."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Oswald"
"Oswald who?
"Oswald my gum!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Water"
"Water who?"
"What are you doing?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Justin"
"Justin who?
"Justin the neighborhood and thought I'd say hello!"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
"Dewey"
"Dewey who?
"Dewey have to listen to all this knocking!"

Product Packaging Gaffes

Mainly because of American laws and trigger-happy suers, dumbness has become part and parcel of product packaging. It's not just "Small parts - not for children under the age of 3 yrs" anymore. It has come to this:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boots Children's Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Marketing Slogans in India

1) Sign on a railway station at Patna:
Aana free, jaana free, pakde gaye to khana free.

2) Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!

3) Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives.

4)Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
We need your heads to run our business.

5)A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough, or else they never will be.....

6)Sign in a restaurant:
All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager.

THE BEST ONE :
7) Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations such as Jaish, Lashkar etc. Its our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and God.

Ads I Love: Breast Cancer Society of Canada

0 mts 30 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

Some people may find this commercial offensive and/or sexist, but I think it is highly effective. A guy offers his services to examine your breasts for lumps and cysts.

VIDEO: Meet Your Meat

PETA's propaganda video Meet Your Meat to promote vegetarianism.

12 mts 49 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

VIDEO: Bugging You

And here's the Minnie Riperton original:
3 mts 21 secs

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

A collaborative essay

From the class of an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.


(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

(Gary)
Bitch

(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)
*A+ - I really liked this one.*