Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
2. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
3. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
4. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
5. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
6. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
8. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
9. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
10. Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
11. If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance.
12. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
13. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
14. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
15. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
16. On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
17. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
18. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
19. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
20. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
21. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
22. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
23. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
24. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
25. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
26. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
27. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
28. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
29. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
30. Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
31. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
32. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
33. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
34. Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
35. The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
36. Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
37. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
38. Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
39. Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
40. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
41. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
42. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
43. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
44. Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
45. Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
46. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
47. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
48. Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
49. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
50. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
51. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
52. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.
53. Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
54. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
55. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
56. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
57. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
58. It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
59. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
60. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
61. Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
62. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
63. A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
64. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
65. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
66. Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
67. Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
68. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
69. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
70. Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
71. The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
72. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
73. Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
74. Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery.
75. The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
76. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
77. Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
78. When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please"
79. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
80. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
81. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
82. Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
83. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
84. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
85. Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
86. Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
87. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
88. Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you".
89. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
90. Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
91. The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
92. Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris.
93. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
94. Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends"
95. The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
96. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
97. The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
98. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
99. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
100. Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.