May your Season be Festive
1 year ago
Friday, March 24, 2006
Monday, March 20, 2006
Slack off, says Fortune magazine
From March 17, 2006 issue of Fortune:
In a world of too much work and too much multitasking, the best way to beat the competition may be to do less.
Remember the story of Archimedes lolling in his bathtub? To an observer, he'd have seemed to be wasting time. While ostensibly doing nothing, however, he discovered the principle of displacement, a cornerstone of physics. Would he have reached the same insight in a quick shower?
Unlikely. And while you might say that's ancient history, don't be too sure.
Consider that for most industries, the U.S. can't hope to be the low-cost producer in a global economy. With innovation now our main competitive strength, creativity is crucial for anyone who wants to move up.
But it's really, really hard, if not impossible, for the human brain to come up with fresh new ideas when its owner is overworked, overtired, and stressed out. And in today's wonderful world of nonstop work, 40% of American adults get less than seven hours of sleep on weeknights.
"The physiological effects of tiredness are well-known. You can turn a smart person into an idiot just by overworking him," notes Peter Capelli, a professor of management at Wharton.
Still, putting in more than 50 hours a week at the office has become routine --and that doesn't count time spent doing paperwork at home, answering e-mail at the airport, or talking on the phone in the car.
Sooner or later, companies' performance has to reflect that, Capelli says. "On the organizational level, what you get is, everyone is so focused on running flat-out to meet current goals that the whole company is unable to step back and think."
Indeed, "the notion that busyness is the essence of business can only do us long-term harm," writes consultant Tom DeMarco in a book called Slack: Getting Past Burnout, Busywork, and the Myth of Total Efficiency.
DeMarco knows the word "slack" has some not-so-hot connotations --slacking off, slacker, slack-jawed... --but his definition is different: the degree of freedom required to effect change.
"Companies need to respect the time it takes to do strategic thinking," he says. "Task-oriented thinking is important too, of course. But bigger thinking is slow."
The late Peter Drucker agreed. He wrote in The Effective Executive (an eerily prescient 40 years ago), "All one can think and do in a short time is to think what one already knows and to do as one has always done." Gulp.
Moreover, in Drucker's view, simply working longer and longer hours won't help. "To be effective, every knowledge worker, and especially every executive...needs to dispose of time in fairly large chunks," he wrote. "To have small dribs and drabs of time at his disposal will not be sufficient even if the total is an impressive number of hours."
Hmm, small dribs and drabs of time...and, just think, the BlackBerry hadn't been invented yet.
The multitasking trap
It's not really news that so-called multitasking can actually make people less effective at their jobs. One detailed study five years ago by psychologists at the University of Michigan demonstrated that, because the human brain needs time to shift gears between tasks, the more switching back and forth you have to do --between, say, talking on the phone, reading e-mail, and thinking about your next meeting, all while scarfing down a sandwich at your desk --the less proficiently you will tackle any of it (except maybe the sandwich).
The "time cost" of refocusing your attention may be only a few seconds with each switch, but the researchers found that, over time, it reduced people's total efficiency by 20% to 40%.
Seeing connections, when you have time
What scientists have only recently begun to realize is that people may do their best thinking when they are not concentrating on work at all. If you've ever had a great idea pop into your head while you were washing your car, walking your dog, or even napping, you already know what a team of Dutch psychologists revealed last month in the journal Science: The unconscious mind is a terrific solver of complex problems when the conscious mind is busy elsewhere or, perhaps better yet, not overtaxed at all.
This brings us back to Archimedes, whose "Eureka!" moment in the bath --or, to cite another example, Isaac Newton's discovery of gravity while loafing around under an apple tree --was a classic example of a kind of creativity known as remote association, or associative thinking. As the name implies, it's a knack for seeing connections among things that appear on the surface to be unrelated to each other.
For example, consider this sample question from the standard test for this trait, as developed by a University of Southern California psychologist named Sarnoff Mednick: "What word is related to the following other three? Cookies, sixteen, heart."
If you answered "sweet," well done.
Great innovators score off the charts in associative thinking, but most of us are capable of it to some degree --if given enough slack, in Tom DeMarco's sense of the word.
So it could well be that, in the era of knowledge work, the most prosperous companies will turn out to be those that encourage people to build some slack into their days. (A first step, according to DeMarco, might be to cancel as many meetings as possible.)
The Google example
If you doubt it, consider Google. On February 23, the company unveiled a new product called Page Creator, which allows people who can't write HTML code to create their own web pages quickly and easily.
Within hours, this was such a smash hit that the company had to put a temporary limit on the number of Google (Research) users who can sign up for it.
Page Creator is the brainchild of an engineer named Justin Rosenstein whose relatives were constantly bugging him to build web pages for them. He came up with the elegant technology behind the product while noodling around at the office on a project unrelated to his regular job.
Google's headquarters in Mountain View, Calif., is a famously laid-back place, replete with lap pools, massage rooms, pool tables, free haute cuisine, and loads of other stress-reducing amenities like onsite dry cleaners and hair stylists.
"We want to take as much hurry and worry out of people's lives as we can, because a relaxed state of mind unleashes creativity," says Stacy Sullivan, the company's HR director. "And everybody's on flextime here, so we don't reward face time or working super-long hours. We just measure results."
In the end, what else matters? Of course, not every workplace can match Google's. But plenty of companies might do a lot worse than to emulate the thinking behind it.
In a world of too much work and too much multitasking, the best way to beat the competition may be to do less.
Remember the story of Archimedes lolling in his bathtub? To an observer, he'd have seemed to be wasting time. While ostensibly doing nothing, however, he discovered the principle of displacement, a cornerstone of physics. Would he have reached the same insight in a quick shower?
Unlikely. And while you might say that's ancient history, don't be too sure.
Consider that for most industries, the U.S. can't hope to be the low-cost producer in a global economy. With innovation now our main competitive strength, creativity is crucial for anyone who wants to move up.
But it's really, really hard, if not impossible, for the human brain to come up with fresh new ideas when its owner is overworked, overtired, and stressed out. And in today's wonderful world of nonstop work, 40% of American adults get less than seven hours of sleep on weeknights.
"The physiological effects of tiredness are well-known. You can turn a smart person into an idiot just by overworking him," notes Peter Capelli, a professor of management at Wharton.
Still, putting in more than 50 hours a week at the office has become routine --and that doesn't count time spent doing paperwork at home, answering e-mail at the airport, or talking on the phone in the car.
Sooner or later, companies' performance has to reflect that, Capelli says. "On the organizational level, what you get is, everyone is so focused on running flat-out to meet current goals that the whole company is unable to step back and think."
Indeed, "the notion that busyness is the essence of business can only do us long-term harm," writes consultant Tom DeMarco in a book called Slack: Getting Past Burnout, Busywork, and the Myth of Total Efficiency.
DeMarco knows the word "slack" has some not-so-hot connotations --slacking off, slacker, slack-jawed... --but his definition is different: the degree of freedom required to effect change.
"Companies need to respect the time it takes to do strategic thinking," he says. "Task-oriented thinking is important too, of course. But bigger thinking is slow."
The late Peter Drucker agreed. He wrote in The Effective Executive (an eerily prescient 40 years ago), "All one can think and do in a short time is to think what one already knows and to do as one has always done." Gulp.
Moreover, in Drucker's view, simply working longer and longer hours won't help. "To be effective, every knowledge worker, and especially every executive...needs to dispose of time in fairly large chunks," he wrote. "To have small dribs and drabs of time at his disposal will not be sufficient even if the total is an impressive number of hours."
Hmm, small dribs and drabs of time...and, just think, the BlackBerry hadn't been invented yet.
The multitasking trap
It's not really news that so-called multitasking can actually make people less effective at their jobs. One detailed study five years ago by psychologists at the University of Michigan demonstrated that, because the human brain needs time to shift gears between tasks, the more switching back and forth you have to do --between, say, talking on the phone, reading e-mail, and thinking about your next meeting, all while scarfing down a sandwich at your desk --the less proficiently you will tackle any of it (except maybe the sandwich).
The "time cost" of refocusing your attention may be only a few seconds with each switch, but the researchers found that, over time, it reduced people's total efficiency by 20% to 40%.
Seeing connections, when you have time
What scientists have only recently begun to realize is that people may do their best thinking when they are not concentrating on work at all. If you've ever had a great idea pop into your head while you were washing your car, walking your dog, or even napping, you already know what a team of Dutch psychologists revealed last month in the journal Science: The unconscious mind is a terrific solver of complex problems when the conscious mind is busy elsewhere or, perhaps better yet, not overtaxed at all.
This brings us back to Archimedes, whose "Eureka!" moment in the bath --or, to cite another example, Isaac Newton's discovery of gravity while loafing around under an apple tree --was a classic example of a kind of creativity known as remote association, or associative thinking. As the name implies, it's a knack for seeing connections among things that appear on the surface to be unrelated to each other.
For example, consider this sample question from the standard test for this trait, as developed by a University of Southern California psychologist named Sarnoff Mednick: "What word is related to the following other three? Cookies, sixteen, heart."
If you answered "sweet," well done.
Great innovators score off the charts in associative thinking, but most of us are capable of it to some degree --if given enough slack, in Tom DeMarco's sense of the word.
So it could well be that, in the era of knowledge work, the most prosperous companies will turn out to be those that encourage people to build some slack into their days. (A first step, according to DeMarco, might be to cancel as many meetings as possible.)
The Google example
If you doubt it, consider Google. On February 23, the company unveiled a new product called Page Creator, which allows people who can't write HTML code to create their own web pages quickly and easily.
Within hours, this was such a smash hit that the company had to put a temporary limit on the number of Google (Research) users who can sign up for it.
Page Creator is the brainchild of an engineer named Justin Rosenstein whose relatives were constantly bugging him to build web pages for them. He came up with the elegant technology behind the product while noodling around at the office on a project unrelated to his regular job.
Google's headquarters in Mountain View, Calif., is a famously laid-back place, replete with lap pools, massage rooms, pool tables, free haute cuisine, and loads of other stress-reducing amenities like onsite dry cleaners and hair stylists.
"We want to take as much hurry and worry out of people's lives as we can, because a relaxed state of mind unleashes creativity," says Stacy Sullivan, the company's HR director. "And everybody's on flextime here, so we don't reward face time or working super-long hours. We just measure results."
In the end, what else matters? Of course, not every workplace can match Google's. But plenty of companies might do a lot worse than to emulate the thinking behind it.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
200 Dumb Quotes (and then some)
1. If you're gay or lesbian, it's a biological error that inhibits you from relating normally to the opposite sex.
- Dr. Laura
2. It's a one-to-one dialogue. You open your mouth and you're talking to 6 million people.
- Derek Jameson
3. And there's the Victoria Memorial, built as a memorial to Victoria.
- David Dimbleby
4. His brother failed; lets see if he can succeed and maintain the family tradition.
- David Coleman
5. Direct mail - it falls out of every magazine you open these days.
- Derek Jameson
6. I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins
7. I'm making an announcement: Not one penny will I give to AIDS anything as long as [public sex is allowed in gay bathhouses]. Not cent one. It's a preventable disease. If you don't want to prevent it, I don't want to pay for it.
- Dr. Laura
8. Marble Arch was outside the Palace, but now Marble Arch is at Marble Arch.
- David Dimbleby
9. For those of you haven't read the book, it's being published tomorrow.
- David Frost
10. There's a lot of good older players around, but very few.
- David Carr
11. Sometimes when I'm swimming, I think that maybe someday I'll put my red Speedo up for auction. Or maybe I'll donate it to the Smithsonian. They can stuff it with two plums and a gherkin and put it on display.
- David Duchovny
12. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
- Dick Cavett
13. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
- Dan Quayle
14. I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.
- Dan Quayle
15. I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
- Dan Quayle
16. This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States!
- Dan Quayle
17. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
- Dan Quayle
18. In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.
- Dennis Miller
19. 'Its good to be back here in the great state of Chicago.
- Dan Quayle
20. I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
- Dan Quayle
21. If Ross Perot runs, that's good for us. If he doesn't run, it's good for us.
- Dan Quayle
22. We're going to have the best- educated American people in the world.
- Dan Quayle
23. Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Danny Ozark, Phillies manager
24. I'll tell you, it's Big Business. If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it's Big Business.
- Donald Trump
25. If crime went down 100%, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be.
26. D. C. Councilman John Bowman
27. I went in and said, "If I see one more gratuitous shot of a woman's body, I'm quitting . . . " I think the show should be emotional story lines, morals, real- life heroes. And that's what we're doing . . .
- David Hasselhoff, star of Baywatch
28. The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. . . this century's history. . . . We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
- Dan Quayle
29. I've got my faults, but living in the past isn't one of them. There's no future in it.
- Detroit Tigers manager Sparky Anderson
30. There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.
- David Coleman (Montreal Olympics)
31. My shoes are size 2 and a 1/2, the same size as my feet.
- Elaine Page
32. Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued . . . Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.
- Excerpt from a letter, Illinois Department of Public Aid
33. Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
- Epicurus
34. It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees.
- Emiliano Zapata
35. If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.
- Ernest Bevin, British foreign minister
36. This country needs a spear chucker, and I think we've got him up on this podium.
- Eugene Dorff, mayor of Kenosha, Wisconsin, introducing candidate Jesse Jack
37. The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.
- ESPN commentator Bob Varsha, covering a Grand Prix race
38. Richard Burton had a tremendous passion for the English language, especially the spoken and written word.
- Frank Bough
39. The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
40. I want you guys to pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.
- Florida State football coach, Bill Peterson
41. Alright you guys, line up alphabetically by your height.
- Florida State football coach, Bill Peterson
42. Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.
- Football Coach, Duffy Daugherty
43. Men, I want you to think of one word and one word only: Super Bowl.
- Football Coach, Bill Peterson
44. There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
- Frank Zappa
45. Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
- Former Australian cabinet minister, Keppel Enderbery
46. If a third or more of our population were killed in an attack (a conservative estimate by the standards of the Rand Corporation's "Study of Nonmilitary Defense") a stronger estate tax would have a tremendous revenue potential.
- from a 1963 Federal Reserve System planning document
47. At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday. . . over 80 shooters took part in the program. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
- From Chicago Rotary Club journal
48. The Rolling Stones suffered a great loss with the death of Ian Stewart, the man who had for so many years played piano quietly and silently with them on stage.
- Andy Peebles
49. Eye witnesses were on the scene in minutes.
- Adam Boulton
50. You seem to be a man who likes to keep his feet on the ground - - you sail a lot.
- Alan Titchmarsh, BBC1
51. Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
- A. Whitney Brown
52. Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good night.
- Andy Warhol
53. I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Amie Beth Dickinson, Miss Alabama 1994, answering the question "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
54. It's like learning to play golf. Just when you think you've cracked it, they move the goalposts.
- Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio
55. We are now living in the age in which we live.
- Ann Burdis
56. Most of the living legends I've been researching go back over centuries.
- Andrew Jones
57. Why do you think marriage is a bum deal, for you as a gay person?
- Ann Leslie
58. So if you haven't set off for the center yet, the best thing to do is to turn back and go home.
- Anne Nightingale
59. You are a first generation American but your father wasn't.
- Alan Tentob
60. Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.
- Adrienne Gusoff
61. The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
- Alan Kay
62. Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
- Al Bundy
63. We all know the leopard can't change his stripes.
- Al Gore
64. During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet.
- Al Gore
65. Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
- Anonymous
66. Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.
- Anonymous
67. What is life, except excuse for death, or death but an escape from life.
- Anonymous
68. Guide to understanding a net addict's day: Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on Usenet. Busy day: managed to work in three hours of Usenet. Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of Usenet.
- Anonymous
69. Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans.
- Alf Landon, in a campaign speech while running against FDR
70. I've been planted here to be a vessel for acting, you know what I mean?
- Actor Leonardo DiCaprio
71. Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing- but none of them serious.
- Alan Minter
72. Did you write the words, or the lyrics?
- Bruce Forsyth
73. And he nipped them in the bud, right at the end.
- Bob Holness
74. And we journalists are taught to avoid clichés like the plague.
- Barry Norman
75. I wasn't always black . . . There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
- Bill Cosby
76. It wasn't hit terribly well.
- Bob Costas. after Knoblauch hit a ball in the ALCS playoffs
77. Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields
78. They've really got the bit between their legs now. . .
- Bobby Ham, Pulse Sport
79. Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
- Batman Costume warning label
80. Dial- up telephone modems are an abomination. They cram digital data packets through analog voice circuit switches- - the worst of both worlds. . . even telephone modems, dumb as they are, know what they are doing is wrong. Just listen to their hissing and screeching every time we force them to do it.
- Bob Metcalfe
81. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
- Brian Pickrell
82. Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
- Bill Cosby
83. When you become senile, you won't know it.
- Bill Cosby
84. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope
85. When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
- Bob Hope
86. We have only one person to blame, and that's each other.
- Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl
87. The doctors X- rayed my head and found nothing.
- Baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the hea
88. 640K ought to be enough for anybody.
- Bill Gates, 1981
89. I've been up and down so many times that I feel as if I'm in a revolving door.
- Cher
90. I'm a salty, greasy girl. I give every french fry a fair chance. Could you just lay some lard in my belly?
- Cameron Diaz
91. Once he'd gone past the point of no return, there was no going back.
- Commentator, BBC1
92. It's not so much a thankless task, it's more a job with no thanks.
- Colin Baker, ITV
93. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
- Chicago Rotary Club journal
94. We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
- Colonel Gerald Wellman
95. I do not know the American gentleman, god forgive me for putting two such words together.
- Charles Dickens
96. He does not preach what he practices till he has practiced what he preaches.
- Confucius
97. For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
- Cervantes
98. Don't cut off your nose yourself.
- Casey Stengel
99. Mr. Speaker, this bill is a phony with a capital F.
- US Congressman, during a heated congressional debate
100. There's Adam Clymer, major- league asshole from the New York Times. Cheney's response, "Oh yeah, he is, big time. "
- George W. Bush / Dick Cheney
101. According to a survey 1 in 100 men wear the same hair each week.
- GWR FM
102. US planes have the capability to penetrate deep into Soviet soil.
- General Rogers
103. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- George Gobol.
104. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin
105. I have opinions of my own - strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them.
- George Bush
106. I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
- Garry Shandling
107. Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
- George Bernard Shaw
108. For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex. . . uh. . . setbacks.
- George Bush
109. I hope I stand for anti- bigotry, anti- Semitism, anti- racism. This is what drives me.
- George Bush
110. Now, like, I'm the president. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come in to the White House and start offering it up, you know?. . . I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that. ' (Talking about drug abuse to a group of students)
- George Bush
111. This is Pearl Harbor Day. 47 years ago to this very day, we were hit and hit hard at Pearl Harbor. " - Bush addressing the American Legion in Louisville, Kentucky, on Sept 7, '88, 3 months off target .
- George Bush
112. A letter from the Iowa Department of Human Services said, "Your medical assistance is cancelled beginning 9/24/84 because of your death. "
- Government
113. You're a parasite for sore eyes.
- Gregory Ratoff, actor/director
114. [I want to] make sure everybody who has a job wants a job.
- George Bush, during his 1st campaign for the presidency
115. Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
116. General William Westmoreland
117. I want to gain 1500 or 2000 yards, whichever comes first.
- George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back
118. These American horses know the fences like the back of their hands.
- Harvey Smith
119. Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
- Heidi Sandige
120. Give Bill a second term, and Al Gore and I will be turned loose to do what we really want to do.
- Hillary Clinton, speaking at a Democratic fundraiser
121. I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
- Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
122. Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.
- Harry Carpenter, commenting on a boat race
123. I think that a toilet roll with Father Christmas printed on it is really scraping the bottom.
- Interviewee on Woman's Hour
124. It was completely quiet in the stadium - but noisy,
- John Humphreys
125. What's nice about my dating life is that I don't have to leave my house. All I have to do is read the paper: I'm marrying Richard Gere, dating Daniel Day Lewis, parading around with John F. Kennedy, Jr., and even Robert De Niro was in there for a day.
- Julia Roberts
126. I might have been through some changes, but changing the way I look wasn't one of the major ones. To be honest. I'm sick of the whole subject of my hair. I mean, are you just sitting there looking at my hair, or are you looking at me?
- Jon Bon Jovi
127. I'm an old- fashioned guy. . . I want to be an old man with a beer belly sitting on a porch, looking at a lake or something.
- Johnny Depp
128. Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.
- Jim Carrey
129. We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
- Jeff Marder
130. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T- shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
- Jerry Seinfeld
131. Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
- Jon Stewart
132. I must declare an interest in this, and say that I know absolutely nothing at all about guns.
- Jimmy Young
133. At the finish, it was all over.
- Jim Watt
134. A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
- Jack Benny
135. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
- Johnny Carson
136. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
- Joe Louis
137. He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
- J. Heller
138. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
- Jeff Raskin
139. A dollar saved is a quarter earned.
- John Ciardi
140. When holding a press conference on Free Trade with U. S. president Bill Clinton, Canadian prime minister Jean Chretien was asked what he thought about all the drugs that were entering Canada from the U. S. He responded: "Well, it's more trade. " After a tense moment of silence and some muffled laughter Clinton leaned over and whispered something in Chretien's ear. Chretien immediately blurted "Oh drugs! I thought you said trucks!"
- Jean Chretien
141. When President Kennedy did a speech in Berlin, his ending line is "Ich bin ein Berliner. " To German speakers, what that really means is "I am a jelly donut!"
- John F. Kennedy
142. Upon his drafting into the Dallas Mavericks, Mr. Kidd was quoted as saying "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees". Let's think about that, shall we?
- Jason Kidd (Dallas Mavericks)
143. I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.
- John Wayne
144. My life is so full of surprises, nothing surprises me any more.
- Kim Wilde
145. I'd like to put on buckskins and a ponytail and go underwater with a reed, hiding from the Indians. To me, that's sexy!
- Kevin Costner
146. When Electrolux first marketed their vacuum cleaners in the U. S. , their slogan was, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux!" Apparently, the Swedish- speaking people who created that slogan didn't know that in American slang, "suck" also means "to be bad".
147. A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on.
- Lee Iacocca
148. Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had.
- Linus Torvalds
149. For best results: wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: drag behind car through puddles, blow- dry on roof rack.
- Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea)
150. I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.
- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank
151. The first black president will be a politician who is black.
- L. Douglas Wilder, governor of Virginia
152. So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?
- Michael Barrymore
153. It was here that V. S. Naipaul found his voice as a writer.
- Melvyn Bragg
154. Red squirrels. . . you don't see many of them since they became extinct.
- Michael Aspel, Radio 2
155. There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
- Robert Orben
156. Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.
- Metro Radio
157. When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
- Robin Williams
158. Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer from NBC's Today Show.
159. If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate.
- Marion Barry, Ex Mayor Of Washington D. C.
160. What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?
- Marion Barry, Ex Washington D. C. Mayor
161. I was driving through Kent and literally went through bright blue sunshine.
- Mike Smith
162. It's all happening too fast. I've got to put the brakes on or I'll smack into something.
- Mel Gibson
163. What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
- Marilyn Pittman
164. I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
- Michael McShane
165. First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club and second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
166. Bitch set me up.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
167. I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
168. The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
169. I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
170. People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
171. The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
172. I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
173. What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
174. During an either late January or early February edition of Larry King Live, he had Monica Lewinski on as a guest. They were discussing her weight loss through the Jenny Craig program. While her intentions were quite innocent, the following quote was quite funny. "I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.
- Monica Lewinski
175. I wonder if we can speak through rose- tinted spectacles.
- Nick Ross
176. It's only when you get to the outskirts of the city that the slippery conditions really get a grip.
- Norman Rickard
177. This is exactly how the World Wide Web works: the HTML files are the pithy description on the paper tape, and your Web browser is Ronald Reagan.
- Neal Stephenson
178. In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
179. It's just gone 17 minutes past four. That's the time, by the way.
- Paul Jordan
180. This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing.
- Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator
181. This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.
- Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator
182. This kind of thing has happened since Kingdom Come.
- Peter Lush
183. Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!
- Padres radio announcer
184. You shouldn't stay here too long, or you'll turn slitty-eyed,
- Prince Philip Windsor talking to some British students in China
185. Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.
- President Gerald Ford
186. And what is more, I agree with everything I have just said.
- Piet Koornhoff, South African ambassador to the US
187. After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington Rhode Island
188. I know what I've told you I'm going to say, I'm going to say. And what else I say, well, I'll take some time to figure out, figure out all that.
- George Bush
189. There is today in the United States as much forest as there was when Washington was at Valley Forge.
- Ronald Reagan
190. A week is a long time in politics, and three weeks is twice as long.
- Rosie Barnes
191. If you put it on the table as a bargaining chip, it becomes a bargaining chip.
- Ronald Reagan
192. In Japan, I suppose, apples are small bananas compared to rice.
- Rhoda Sharp, Radio 5 Live
193. Jersey's Crime Prevention Team are out and about, so have you locked up your property?
- Roger Bara, Radio Jersey
194. One possible compromise is to permit gays, but restrict them to the rear echelon.
- Radio 4 News
195. The champion has retired after 8 undefeated victories.
- Richard Whitely
196. There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
- Robert Orben
197. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
- Rita Mae Brown
198. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. " "I have all the answers, it's just that most of them aren't right.
- Rich Cook
199. When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
- Robin Williams
200. We spend weeks and hours every day preparing the Budget.
- Ronald Reagan
201. If we can just get young people to do the same as their fathers did, that is, wear condoms.
- Richard Branson
202. Listen, Jerusalem wasn't built in a day.
- Robert Maxwell
203. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
- Rita Mae Brown
204. I have all the answers, it's just that most of them aren't right.
- Rich Cook
205. As Henry VIII said to each of his three wives, " I won't keep you long. "
- Ronald Reagan
206. I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.
- Richard Nixon
207. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Redd Foxx
208. Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity.
- Remy De Gourmant
209. I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
- R. Geis
210. If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that Netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
- Rob Stamofli
211. This is a great day for France!
- Richard Nixon, said while attending Charles De Gaulle's Funeral.
212. In a speech, when he was aiming to say "I have had great financial success" Ross Perot by mistake said "I have had great financial sex. "
- Ross Perot
213. Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty- five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is.
- Ron Fairley, Giants broadcaster
214. This is the operative statement. The others are inoperative.
- Ron Ziegler, press secretary to President Richard Nixon
215. He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men and give it to 435 congressmen!
- Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio
216. He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it- you can see it all over their faces.
- Ron Atkinson
217. We would not be here but for those people who gave their lives and very often gave their futures.
- Simon Bates
218. He is in hospital suffering from a nervous breakdown, but no doubt he will soon be better and running around like a maniac.
- Simon Bates
219. Apparently there is no truth in the fact that Sylvester Stallone's wife is a lesbian.
- Steve Wright
220. My second hit was a flop.
- Shakin' Stevens
221. I've got 10 pairs of training shoes - one for every day of the week.
- Sam Fox
222. In our industry John Blake is the kind of guy you either love or hate. I like him.
- Simon Bates
223. Not only was Sue having a nervous breakdown, but she was having a tough time mentally too.
- Simon Bates
224. And don't forget, on Sunday, you can hear the two minute silence on Radio 1.
- Steve Wright
- Dr. Laura
2. It's a one-to-one dialogue. You open your mouth and you're talking to 6 million people.
- Derek Jameson
3. And there's the Victoria Memorial, built as a memorial to Victoria.
- David Dimbleby
4. His brother failed; lets see if he can succeed and maintain the family tradition.
- David Coleman
5. Direct mail - it falls out of every magazine you open these days.
- Derek Jameson
6. I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins
7. I'm making an announcement: Not one penny will I give to AIDS anything as long as [public sex is allowed in gay bathhouses]. Not cent one. It's a preventable disease. If you don't want to prevent it, I don't want to pay for it.
- Dr. Laura
8. Marble Arch was outside the Palace, but now Marble Arch is at Marble Arch.
- David Dimbleby
9. For those of you haven't read the book, it's being published tomorrow.
- David Frost
10. There's a lot of good older players around, but very few.
- David Carr
11. Sometimes when I'm swimming, I think that maybe someday I'll put my red Speedo up for auction. Or maybe I'll donate it to the Smithsonian. They can stuff it with two plums and a gherkin and put it on display.
- David Duchovny
12. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
- Dick Cavett
13. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
- Dan Quayle
14. I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.
- Dan Quayle
15. I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
- Dan Quayle
16. This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States!
- Dan Quayle
17. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
- Dan Quayle
18. In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.
- Dennis Miller
19. 'Its good to be back here in the great state of Chicago.
- Dan Quayle
20. I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
- Dan Quayle
21. If Ross Perot runs, that's good for us. If he doesn't run, it's good for us.
- Dan Quayle
22. We're going to have the best- educated American people in the world.
- Dan Quayle
23. Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Danny Ozark, Phillies manager
24. I'll tell you, it's Big Business. If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it's Big Business.
- Donald Trump
25. If crime went down 100%, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be.
26. D. C. Councilman John Bowman
27. I went in and said, "If I see one more gratuitous shot of a woman's body, I'm quitting . . . " I think the show should be emotional story lines, morals, real- life heroes. And that's what we're doing . . .
- David Hasselhoff, star of Baywatch
28. The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. . . this century's history. . . . We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
- Dan Quayle
29. I've got my faults, but living in the past isn't one of them. There's no future in it.
- Detroit Tigers manager Sparky Anderson
30. There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.
- David Coleman (Montreal Olympics)
31. My shoes are size 2 and a 1/2, the same size as my feet.
- Elaine Page
32. Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued . . . Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.
- Excerpt from a letter, Illinois Department of Public Aid
33. Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
- Epicurus
34. It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees.
- Emiliano Zapata
35. If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.
- Ernest Bevin, British foreign minister
36. This country needs a spear chucker, and I think we've got him up on this podium.
- Eugene Dorff, mayor of Kenosha, Wisconsin, introducing candidate Jesse Jack
37. The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.
- ESPN commentator Bob Varsha, covering a Grand Prix race
38. Richard Burton had a tremendous passion for the English language, especially the spoken and written word.
- Frank Bough
39. The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
40. I want you guys to pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.
- Florida State football coach, Bill Peterson
41. Alright you guys, line up alphabetically by your height.
- Florida State football coach, Bill Peterson
42. Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.
- Football Coach, Duffy Daugherty
43. Men, I want you to think of one word and one word only: Super Bowl.
- Football Coach, Bill Peterson
44. There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
- Frank Zappa
45. Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
- Former Australian cabinet minister, Keppel Enderbery
46. If a third or more of our population were killed in an attack (a conservative estimate by the standards of the Rand Corporation's "Study of Nonmilitary Defense") a stronger estate tax would have a tremendous revenue potential.
- from a 1963 Federal Reserve System planning document
47. At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday. . . over 80 shooters took part in the program. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
- From Chicago Rotary Club journal
48. The Rolling Stones suffered a great loss with the death of Ian Stewart, the man who had for so many years played piano quietly and silently with them on stage.
- Andy Peebles
49. Eye witnesses were on the scene in minutes.
- Adam Boulton
50. You seem to be a man who likes to keep his feet on the ground - - you sail a lot.
- Alan Titchmarsh, BBC1
51. Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
- A. Whitney Brown
52. Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good night.
- Andy Warhol
53. I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Amie Beth Dickinson, Miss Alabama 1994, answering the question "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
54. It's like learning to play golf. Just when you think you've cracked it, they move the goalposts.
- Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio
55. We are now living in the age in which we live.
- Ann Burdis
56. Most of the living legends I've been researching go back over centuries.
- Andrew Jones
57. Why do you think marriage is a bum deal, for you as a gay person?
- Ann Leslie
58. So if you haven't set off for the center yet, the best thing to do is to turn back and go home.
- Anne Nightingale
59. You are a first generation American but your father wasn't.
- Alan Tentob
60. Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.
- Adrienne Gusoff
61. The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
- Alan Kay
62. Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
- Al Bundy
63. We all know the leopard can't change his stripes.
- Al Gore
64. During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet.
- Al Gore
65. Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
- Anonymous
66. Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.
- Anonymous
67. What is life, except excuse for death, or death but an escape from life.
- Anonymous
68. Guide to understanding a net addict's day: Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on Usenet. Busy day: managed to work in three hours of Usenet. Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of Usenet.
- Anonymous
69. Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans.
- Alf Landon, in a campaign speech while running against FDR
70. I've been planted here to be a vessel for acting, you know what I mean?
- Actor Leonardo DiCaprio
71. Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing- but none of them serious.
- Alan Minter
72. Did you write the words, or the lyrics?
- Bruce Forsyth
73. And he nipped them in the bud, right at the end.
- Bob Holness
74. And we journalists are taught to avoid clichés like the plague.
- Barry Norman
75. I wasn't always black . . . There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
- Bill Cosby
76. It wasn't hit terribly well.
- Bob Costas. after Knoblauch hit a ball in the ALCS playoffs
77. Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields
78. They've really got the bit between their legs now. . .
- Bobby Ham, Pulse Sport
79. Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
- Batman Costume warning label
80. Dial- up telephone modems are an abomination. They cram digital data packets through analog voice circuit switches- - the worst of both worlds. . . even telephone modems, dumb as they are, know what they are doing is wrong. Just listen to their hissing and screeching every time we force them to do it.
- Bob Metcalfe
81. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
- Brian Pickrell
82. Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
- Bill Cosby
83. When you become senile, you won't know it.
- Bill Cosby
84. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope
85. When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
- Bob Hope
86. We have only one person to blame, and that's each other.
- Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl
87. The doctors X- rayed my head and found nothing.
- Baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the hea
88. 640K ought to be enough for anybody.
- Bill Gates, 1981
89. I've been up and down so many times that I feel as if I'm in a revolving door.
- Cher
90. I'm a salty, greasy girl. I give every french fry a fair chance. Could you just lay some lard in my belly?
- Cameron Diaz
91. Once he'd gone past the point of no return, there was no going back.
- Commentator, BBC1
92. It's not so much a thankless task, it's more a job with no thanks.
- Colin Baker, ITV
93. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
- Chicago Rotary Club journal
94. We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
- Colonel Gerald Wellman
95. I do not know the American gentleman, god forgive me for putting two such words together.
- Charles Dickens
96. He does not preach what he practices till he has practiced what he preaches.
- Confucius
97. For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
- Cervantes
98. Don't cut off your nose yourself.
- Casey Stengel
99. Mr. Speaker, this bill is a phony with a capital F.
- US Congressman, during a heated congressional debate
100. There's Adam Clymer, major- league asshole from the New York Times. Cheney's response, "Oh yeah, he is, big time. "
- George W. Bush / Dick Cheney
101. According to a survey 1 in 100 men wear the same hair each week.
- GWR FM
102. US planes have the capability to penetrate deep into Soviet soil.
- General Rogers
103. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- George Gobol.
104. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin
105. I have opinions of my own - strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them.
- George Bush
106. I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
- Garry Shandling
107. Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
- George Bernard Shaw
108. For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex. . . uh. . . setbacks.
- George Bush
109. I hope I stand for anti- bigotry, anti- Semitism, anti- racism. This is what drives me.
- George Bush
110. Now, like, I'm the president. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come in to the White House and start offering it up, you know?. . . I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that. ' (Talking about drug abuse to a group of students)
- George Bush
111. This is Pearl Harbor Day. 47 years ago to this very day, we were hit and hit hard at Pearl Harbor. " - Bush addressing the American Legion in Louisville, Kentucky, on Sept 7, '88, 3 months off target .
- George Bush
112. A letter from the Iowa Department of Human Services said, "Your medical assistance is cancelled beginning 9/24/84 because of your death. "
- Government
113. You're a parasite for sore eyes.
- Gregory Ratoff, actor/director
114. [I want to] make sure everybody who has a job wants a job.
- George Bush, during his 1st campaign for the presidency
115. Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
116. General William Westmoreland
117. I want to gain 1500 or 2000 yards, whichever comes first.
- George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back
118. These American horses know the fences like the back of their hands.
- Harvey Smith
119. Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
- Heidi Sandige
120. Give Bill a second term, and Al Gore and I will be turned loose to do what we really want to do.
- Hillary Clinton, speaking at a Democratic fundraiser
121. I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
- Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
122. Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.
- Harry Carpenter, commenting on a boat race
123. I think that a toilet roll with Father Christmas printed on it is really scraping the bottom.
- Interviewee on Woman's Hour
124. It was completely quiet in the stadium - but noisy,
- John Humphreys
125. What's nice about my dating life is that I don't have to leave my house. All I have to do is read the paper: I'm marrying Richard Gere, dating Daniel Day Lewis, parading around with John F. Kennedy, Jr., and even Robert De Niro was in there for a day.
- Julia Roberts
126. I might have been through some changes, but changing the way I look wasn't one of the major ones. To be honest. I'm sick of the whole subject of my hair. I mean, are you just sitting there looking at my hair, or are you looking at me?
- Jon Bon Jovi
127. I'm an old- fashioned guy. . . I want to be an old man with a beer belly sitting on a porch, looking at a lake or something.
- Johnny Depp
128. Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.
- Jim Carrey
129. We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
- Jeff Marder
130. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T- shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
- Jerry Seinfeld
131. Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
- Jon Stewart
132. I must declare an interest in this, and say that I know absolutely nothing at all about guns.
- Jimmy Young
133. At the finish, it was all over.
- Jim Watt
134. A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
- Jack Benny
135. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
- Johnny Carson
136. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
- Joe Louis
137. He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
- J. Heller
138. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
- Jeff Raskin
139. A dollar saved is a quarter earned.
- John Ciardi
140. When holding a press conference on Free Trade with U. S. president Bill Clinton, Canadian prime minister Jean Chretien was asked what he thought about all the drugs that were entering Canada from the U. S. He responded: "Well, it's more trade. " After a tense moment of silence and some muffled laughter Clinton leaned over and whispered something in Chretien's ear. Chretien immediately blurted "Oh drugs! I thought you said trucks!"
- Jean Chretien
141. When President Kennedy did a speech in Berlin, his ending line is "Ich bin ein Berliner. " To German speakers, what that really means is "I am a jelly donut!"
- John F. Kennedy
142. Upon his drafting into the Dallas Mavericks, Mr. Kidd was quoted as saying "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees". Let's think about that, shall we?
- Jason Kidd (Dallas Mavericks)
143. I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.
- John Wayne
144. My life is so full of surprises, nothing surprises me any more.
- Kim Wilde
145. I'd like to put on buckskins and a ponytail and go underwater with a reed, hiding from the Indians. To me, that's sexy!
- Kevin Costner
146. When Electrolux first marketed their vacuum cleaners in the U. S. , their slogan was, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux!" Apparently, the Swedish- speaking people who created that slogan didn't know that in American slang, "suck" also means "to be bad".
147. A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on.
- Lee Iacocca
148. Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had.
- Linus Torvalds
149. For best results: wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: drag behind car through puddles, blow- dry on roof rack.
- Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea)
150. I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.
- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank
151. The first black president will be a politician who is black.
- L. Douglas Wilder, governor of Virginia
152. So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?
- Michael Barrymore
153. It was here that V. S. Naipaul found his voice as a writer.
- Melvyn Bragg
154. Red squirrels. . . you don't see many of them since they became extinct.
- Michael Aspel, Radio 2
155. There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
- Robert Orben
156. Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.
- Metro Radio
157. When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
- Robin Williams
158. Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer from NBC's Today Show.
159. If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate.
- Marion Barry, Ex Mayor Of Washington D. C.
160. What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?
- Marion Barry, Ex Washington D. C. Mayor
161. I was driving through Kent and literally went through bright blue sunshine.
- Mike Smith
162. It's all happening too fast. I've got to put the brakes on or I'll smack into something.
- Mel Gibson
163. What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
- Marilyn Pittman
164. I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
- Michael McShane
165. First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club and second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
166. Bitch set me up.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
167. I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
168. The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
169. I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
170. People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
171. The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
172. I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
173. What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
174. During an either late January or early February edition of Larry King Live, he had Monica Lewinski on as a guest. They were discussing her weight loss through the Jenny Craig program. While her intentions were quite innocent, the following quote was quite funny. "I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.
- Monica Lewinski
175. I wonder if we can speak through rose- tinted spectacles.
- Nick Ross
176. It's only when you get to the outskirts of the city that the slippery conditions really get a grip.
- Norman Rickard
177. This is exactly how the World Wide Web works: the HTML files are the pithy description on the paper tape, and your Web browser is Ronald Reagan.
- Neal Stephenson
178. In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
179. It's just gone 17 minutes past four. That's the time, by the way.
- Paul Jordan
180. This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing.
- Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator
181. This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.
- Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator
182. This kind of thing has happened since Kingdom Come.
- Peter Lush
183. Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!
- Padres radio announcer
184. You shouldn't stay here too long, or you'll turn slitty-eyed,
- Prince Philip Windsor talking to some British students in China
185. Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.
- President Gerald Ford
186. And what is more, I agree with everything I have just said.
- Piet Koornhoff, South African ambassador to the US
187. After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington Rhode Island
188. I know what I've told you I'm going to say, I'm going to say. And what else I say, well, I'll take some time to figure out, figure out all that.
- George Bush
189. There is today in the United States as much forest as there was when Washington was at Valley Forge.
- Ronald Reagan
190. A week is a long time in politics, and three weeks is twice as long.
- Rosie Barnes
191. If you put it on the table as a bargaining chip, it becomes a bargaining chip.
- Ronald Reagan
192. In Japan, I suppose, apples are small bananas compared to rice.
- Rhoda Sharp, Radio 5 Live
193. Jersey's Crime Prevention Team are out and about, so have you locked up your property?
- Roger Bara, Radio Jersey
194. One possible compromise is to permit gays, but restrict them to the rear echelon.
- Radio 4 News
195. The champion has retired after 8 undefeated victories.
- Richard Whitely
196. There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
- Robert Orben
197. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
- Rita Mae Brown
198. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. " "I have all the answers, it's just that most of them aren't right.
- Rich Cook
199. When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
- Robin Williams
200. We spend weeks and hours every day preparing the Budget.
- Ronald Reagan
201. If we can just get young people to do the same as their fathers did, that is, wear condoms.
- Richard Branson
202. Listen, Jerusalem wasn't built in a day.
- Robert Maxwell
203. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
- Rita Mae Brown
204. I have all the answers, it's just that most of them aren't right.
- Rich Cook
205. As Henry VIII said to each of his three wives, " I won't keep you long. "
- Ronald Reagan
206. I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.
- Richard Nixon
207. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Redd Foxx
208. Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity.
- Remy De Gourmant
209. I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
- R. Geis
210. If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that Netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
- Rob Stamofli
211. This is a great day for France!
- Richard Nixon, said while attending Charles De Gaulle's Funeral.
212. In a speech, when he was aiming to say "I have had great financial success" Ross Perot by mistake said "I have had great financial sex. "
- Ross Perot
213. Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty- five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is.
- Ron Fairley, Giants broadcaster
214. This is the operative statement. The others are inoperative.
- Ron Ziegler, press secretary to President Richard Nixon
215. He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men and give it to 435 congressmen!
- Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio
216. He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it- you can see it all over their faces.
- Ron Atkinson
217. We would not be here but for those people who gave their lives and very often gave their futures.
- Simon Bates
218. He is in hospital suffering from a nervous breakdown, but no doubt he will soon be better and running around like a maniac.
- Simon Bates
219. Apparently there is no truth in the fact that Sylvester Stallone's wife is a lesbian.
- Steve Wright
220. My second hit was a flop.
- Shakin' Stevens
221. I've got 10 pairs of training shoes - one for every day of the week.
- Sam Fox
222. In our industry John Blake is the kind of guy you either love or hate. I like him.
- Simon Bates
223. Not only was Sue having a nervous breakdown, but she was having a tough time mentally too.
- Simon Bates
224. And don't forget, on Sunday, you can hear the two minute silence on Radio 1.
- Steve Wright
Friday, March 17, 2006
Gender of Computers
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Shit happens! But there are many types
Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...
Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces
of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure
you did it!
Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it
still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks
in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you
realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until
you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head
out before you get your pants down.
King Kong Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless
you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind
of shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at
least three feet long.
Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How
do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit
doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody
standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually
happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole
feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs
go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always
floats back to the surface.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously
expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you
watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before
you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second,
reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and
splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer
need to take a shit.
Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!
The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces
of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure
you did it!
Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it
still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks
in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you
realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until
you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head
out before you get your pants down.
King Kong Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless
you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind
of shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at
least three feet long.
Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How
do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit
doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody
standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually
happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole
feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs
go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always
floats back to the surface.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously
expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you
watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before
you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second,
reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and
splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer
need to take a shit.
Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!
The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
VIDEO: Only in America: End Women's Right to Vote
3 mts 18 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
In this video scores of well-educated young women sign a petition to end women's suffrage. Don't blame them - English is their first language!
P.S. - Padua Academy is an all-girls Catholic high school in Wilmington, Delaware. The high school was founded in 1954 and is a four-time winner of the “Superstars in Education” Award from the Delaware State Chamber of Commerce.
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
In this video scores of well-educated young women sign a petition to end women's suffrage. Don't blame them - English is their first language!
P.S. - Padua Academy is an all-girls Catholic high school in Wilmington, Delaware. The high school was founded in 1954 and is a four-time winner of the “Superstars in Education” Award from the Delaware State Chamber of Commerce.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Arabs and Jews
---------------------------------------------
An Arab was walking through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw an old Jewish man selling neckties. The Arab said, "I'm dying of thirst. Can I have some water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that will look nice with your robe."
The Arab said, "I don't want a tie. I need water."
"OK, don't buy a tie," the Jewish man said. "But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill, about four miles away, is a restaurant. They have water."
The Arab walked over the hill. Two hours later, he came crawling back. The Jew asked, "Couldn't you find the restaurant?"
The Arab gasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."
An Arab was walking through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw an old Jewish man selling neckties. The Arab said, "I'm dying of thirst. Can I have some water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that will look nice with your robe."
The Arab said, "I don't want a tie. I need water."
"OK, don't buy a tie," the Jewish man said. "But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill, about four miles away, is a restaurant. They have water."
The Arab walked over the hill. Two hours later, he came crawling back. The Jew asked, "Couldn't you find the restaurant?"
The Arab gasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."
Sunday, March 12, 2006
VIDEO: A world without Romania
5 mts 08 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
This film makes some interesting claims. I am inclined to agree with the one about women.
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
This film makes some interesting claims. I am inclined to agree with the one about women.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
It's all in the timing
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the 1st message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: August 3, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!
Your loving Hubby
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: August 3, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!
Your loving Hubby
Friday, March 03, 2006
VIDEO: M&H Fart
0 mts 30 secs
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Silly humor. Not my typical style. But somehow I like this one.
Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.
Silly humor. Not my typical style. But somehow I like this one.
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