Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Company

Can one imagine working for the following company?

It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics :

29 have been accused of spouse abuse.
7 have been arrested for fraud.
19 have more than three criminal cases pending against them .
117 have been charged and are being investigated for Murder, Rape, Assault, Extortion and Robbery.
71 cannot get credit or loans due to bad credit histories.
21 are current defendants on various lawsuits.
84 have been involved in offenses and have paid fines.
Can you guess what mighty Organization this is?

It is the 545 members of the Lower House (Lok Sabha, akin to House of Commons in the UK or the Congress in the US) of Parliament of India that works for you and me. The same group cranks out hundreds upon hundred of laws designed to keep the rest of us in line…...

Friday, November 07, 2003

Random Jokes

"The New Hearing Aid"

An elderly gentleman with serious hearing problems goes to the doctor who fits him with hearing aids that allow him to hear at 100% for the first time in many years.

The elderly man goes back in a month for a checkup. The doctor says, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman replies, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

***************

"Latitude and Longitude"

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

***************

"The Fastest Father"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can shoot an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"

*****************

"Husbands and Wives"

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attemp t at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years."

*****************

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.

"What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

********************

"I Know The Truth"

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by simply saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops his mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

Friday, October 31, 2003

Ads I Love: TAG Heuer - Tiger Woods

1 mt 00 secs


TAG Heuer - What are you made of? Tiger's golf ball races an F1. This ad, you have to see to understand!

Thursday, October 30, 2003

VIDEO: Waterboy - We Will Rock You

2 mts 29 secs

A warning alertbox may appear. Click OK to allow the ActiveX control required to play this video.








Click on the image above when it becomes available.

This video will rock you :-)

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Rightsizing

Dear Colleagues,

Due to current financial position, economic recession and probable future mergers, the management has decided to implement a scheme to put all employees over 35 years of age on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Personnel selected for RAPE can apply to the management for the SHAFT (Special Help After Forced Termination) scheme. The situation of the employees who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW (Scheme for Retired Early Workers) scheme. An employee may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice but may be SCREWED as many times as the management deems appropriate.

Employees who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants and Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earning for Retiring Personnel Early Severance). Obviously employees who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED by the Management. Any other Employee on SHAFT or SCREW will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

The management has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives to its employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the notice of your Manager. We have been trained to give you all the SHIT that you can handle.

Thanks & Regards



HR Team

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

VIDEO: When Boss is Not in Office

0 mts 16 secs

Friday, October 10, 2003

Techiewood Movie Titles

There has been some talk of some IT companies getting into film production. Some titles they may use:
a.. Hang To Hona Hi Tha !!!!!!!!!!!!
b.. Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai
c.. Aao Chat Kare
d.. Programmer No.1
e.. Mera Naam Developer
f.. Java Wale Job Le Jayenge
g.. Hum Apke Memory Mein Rehte Hein
h.. Do Processor, Baarah Terminal
i.. Tera Code Chal Gaya
j.. Har Din Jo Mail Karega
k.. Network Ke Us Paar
l.. Debugging Koi Khel Nahi
m.. Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehta Hai
n.. Raju Ban Gaya MCSE ..!
o.. Client Ek Numbari, Programmer Dus Numbari
p.. Login Karo Sajana
q.. Naukar PC Ka
r.. 1942 -- A Bug Story
s.. Kaho Na Virus Hai
t.. Crash Se Crash Tak
u.. Haan Maine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai
v.. Shaheed Hacker Singh
w.. Password De Ke Dekho
x.. Terminal Apna , Login Parayi
y.. Mr. Network Lal
z.. Terminal Sajaake Rakhna
aa.. Hackers Ka Raja, Debuggers Ki Rani
ab.. Kyonki Mein Debug Nahin Karta
ac.. Phir Teri Java-script Yaad Aayi

Monday, September 22, 2003

Beautiful Sydney in 180-degrees ultra wide-angle



Click on the image to enlarge.

Saturday, September 20, 2003

Salaried People

Some basic facts of life for the Salaried People!!!!

Bank Balance
First Week : 10000
Second Week : 1000
Third Week : 100
Fourth week : 10

Conveyance
First Week : Auto ("I can afford it")
Second Week : Share Auto ("I would like to share. I am selfless!")
Third Week : Bus ("Public figures should travel by public transport")
Fourth week : Walk ("Good for health")

Girl friends
First Week : Eena, Meena, Tina ("I can BUY love")
Second Week : Meena, Tina ("I have enough girl friends")
Third Week : Tina ("I am loyal to her")
Fourth week : "Huh! There is no pure love on earth!"

Mobile Maintenance
First Week : Frequent outgoing calls ("This is what mobile is invented for")
Second Week : Restricted outgoing calls ("I should not create unnecessary traffic on mobile lines")
Third Week : Rare outgoing calls ("Mobile should be used in urgent situations only")
Fourth week : Only incoming calls ("I am not going to call her until she calls me")

And last....but not the least...

Boozing
First Week : "Come, let's go to Goa and freak out!"
Second Week : "Man, there is nothing in Goa. Let's go to Lonawala."
Third Week : "The best place to booze on earth is our house itself. What say?"
Fourth week : "Drinking is injurious to health"

Friday, September 19, 2003

DOC: Strategies for a Sustainable World

Beyond greening, beyond pollution control - how to ensure sustainable development.

Click here to read

Ads I Love: Amul Movies - Utterly Butterly Delicious

Amul comes out with a new ad every fortnight in a campaign that has been running successfully for YEARS!!

Biwi No. 1


Boom


Dil Chahta Hai


Gladiator


Harbhajan Singh


Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham


Kaho Naa Pyaar Hai/ Hrithik Roshan


Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani


Bhoot

Thursday, September 18, 2003

Ads I Love: Airtel - A R Rahman

1 mts 01 sec

Click on the image above, and then click on play button once it becomes available.

No, I don't really love this ad. But some of my friends requested it, and I am putting it up for them.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

The Truth About Women & Driving

Saturday, September 06, 2003

Psychic Computer Tells What's on Your Mind

There are many psychic websites that are able to tell what you are thinking. Here's one example (this one from CBS)...just follow the instructions.









Impressed yet?

* SPOILER ALERT *

Here's how they do it: The fact is that whichever number you choose, the answer will always be 9 or a multiple thereof. Thus all multiples of 9 have the same symbol as 9. The software does not "read" your mind; it just shows you the 9 symbol. To make the effect more believable, the 9 symbol changes each time you hit "Try Again"

Monday, August 18, 2003

Success - It's a Mind Game







Sunday, August 17, 2003

Ads I Love: Honda Accord - Isn't It Nice When Things Just Work

2 mts 00 secs


This is incredible. No SFX (special effects), no CG (computer graphics) involved. Everything actually happens. And, it works. Isn't it nice when things just work?

Friday, August 08, 2003

Ads I Love: The Axe Effect













Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Industrious Clock

Yugo Nakamura's industrious clock

Saturday, July 26, 2003

Any better, and I'd be twins

Jerry is a restaurant manager in America. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would always reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

Many of the waiters at his restaurant quit their jobs when he changed jobs, so they could follow him around from restaurant to restaurant.The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude.

He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was always there, telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! No one can be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied,

"Each morning I wake up and say to myself, I have two choices today. I can choose to be in a good mood or I can choose to be in a bad mood. I always choose to be in a good mood.

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I always choose to learn from it.

Everytime someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I always choose the positive side of life."

"But it's not always that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," Jerry said "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. It's your choice how you live your life."

Several years later, I heard that Jerry accidentally did something you are never supposed to do in the restaurant business: left the back door of his restaurant open one morning and was robbed by three armed men.While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found quickly and rushed to the hospital. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Want to see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, after they shot me, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great.They kept telling me. I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the Emergency Room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'He's a dead man.' I knew I need to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything."

'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Please operate on me as if I am alive, not dead'."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day you have the choice to either enjoy your life or to hate it. The only thing that is truly yours that no one can control or take from you-is your attitude, so if you can take care of that, everything else in life becomes much easier.

Friday, July 18, 2003

Ads I Love: British Council English Learning Programme



The irony, of course, is that you need to know English to get that ad :-)